Peace

I've been trying to find a way to share the peace that God has blessed me with for the past 2 months. I feel Psalm 85:9-11 sums up what I've felt this past year perfectly...
⁹ Surely his salvation is near those who fear him,
that his glory may dwell in our land.
¹⁰ Love and faithfulness meet together;
righteousness and peace kiss each other.
¹¹ Faithfulness springs forth from the earth,
and righteousness looks down from heaven.
From the beginning of verse 9, He promises us that salvation is near for those who fear Him. Life is so precious, such a gift, fragile. His will is unknown and out of my hands. After Russell died I feared what next!?! Who's next, when, where, and what holiday, birthday, or anniversary will it fall on. Feared I would never heal, that the pain would run my life. Feared I would never remember the good times, and only the tragic night. Feared I would never accept God's will, see His glory, and live in His peace. I knew that He was the only One to heal that which I was fearful of...Him and His will.
Once I confessed all my fears, I could start to see the chance of His glory dwelling around us. Everything that I feared was opened to healing, the promise of healing is here. HOPE! The more I focus on to that hope, the more I see Russell as he is eternally. I remember who he was on this earth, but the spirit that he is finally able to be, is so much more apparent to me. He is complete. So fully alive, Soul-Fully-Alive ;) , his smile is hard to ignore. God shows me daily who Russ is in His full glory and that is a beautiful peace. At times I feel more connected to him because we were united in spirit on this earth under God. What God brings together, no man can separate. It's not just a line at a wedding to me anymore, it's a truth that breeds even more love and faith.
Love and faith meet, and righteousness and peace kiss each other. Isn't that just sweet honey! It's warm, beautiful, and romantic. It's HOME. His glory is love and faith in our lives, and we will strive for righteousness and the peace will over flow. To me righteousness is not about trying to be so perfect you don't live, because you are afraid to sin. It's more about letting go of control and flowing with God's will. Peace and goodness follows. Able to live freely, without worry, without fear, without guilt, not perfect...just GOOD. It is GOOD.
Faith is springing new life, and God is winking from heaven.

Confess

James 5:16

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another,
and pray for one another so that you may be healed.
The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much."

Ever have one of those days? When you think your life stinks more than the next guy, and you feel you are doing everything you can to just survive the next 24 hours. That you are making every effort to be a responsible and loving human being, but still the world is heavy on your shoulders. Like everyone around you is taking it all for granted and sucking the life out of everyone else, just for their wants.

I had one of those days. After picking my son up from grief camp, I took them to a fast food chain for dinner and playtime. We talked about the camp, goods and bads. What could we do as a family to share feeling, to love, and to heal further in our circumstance.

I'm no stranger to grief; this "ain't" my first rodeo. Losing my aunts and my sister, all at very young ages, was and will always be very painful. The pain never leaves, you just learn to walk with a limp. Of course the death of my husband is totally different, but all the same, a loss is a loss. The only reason it hurts even more is because my two precious babies are hurting and mama cannot kiss this boo-boo away.

So to get back to my point, I am upset and bitter. I am thinking the world owes me something. I then took them to Walmart, one to get some finger nail clippers and two to just get a $3 prize for each of them. (I tend to do that more often, because I just want to see them smile.) After much debate, with Lilli...she is such a girl, we made our way to check out. The lines were full and I was thinking about the meeting at church I was to attend in 30 minutes. So patience was not the first thing on my mind.

I followed a couple into the shortest line and waited. They walked slowly and were even slower to unloaded the few items they had. Then I noticed they were filling out and signing the government coupons for their food. There was a problem, they picked out the 2 Walmart brands of cereal instead of the name brand "government" choices of cereal. The husband ran to get the right brand, while we waited.

THEN I thought to myself, "Great! I'm going to be late, because these "people" can't read to pick out the right cereal. On top of the fact that they are probably here illegally, sucking the tax dollars out of the mouths of Americans."

Please, I do not want this to be a polictical debate, I'm here to confess.

And right there in the check out line, God pressed hard upon my heart. "Samarah, those children need to eat just a much as your's do. Others have helped you, others love you, no matter what their opinion of your life." I am not saying He spoke to me, I'm saying He pressed HARD. Heavier than the weight of the world. Then, I heard Russell, "Buy the cereal."

With tears in my eyes, I watched as another walmart clerk took the 2 boxes to customer service, and shortly after the husband returned with the 1 box of "right brand" cereal. The clerk finished the transaction and the couple slowly put their items into the cart. I told one of the two clerks, "Can you please get that cereal for me?" She said yes and quickly returned. I whispered to the clerk, to please scan the cereal and give it to the couple. She was a little surprised, but was quick to hand it off to the couple leaving the counter.

The wife looked at the clerk and said "This is not mine" and I said "Yes it is." She said thank you. Blessed words, not from her lips alone.

The clerk finished checking out my "wanted" items, then looked at me as I was leaving said "That was really sweet of you." All I could think of were the words spoken by my Pastor not 6 hours earlier, "It was Jesus, baby." (Of course I added the baby, because aren't we all just babes in His eyes!?!) I walked away feeling ashamed. No one knew my hateful thoughts, nor the hard pressed thoughts of the Lord towards them. They all thought I was some sweet lady who bought cereal for a family. But it was Jesus, from beginning to end.

Pastor Jeff asked everyone to find their way to reach others for Christ, mine was serving. I prayed for ways to serve, to give back to anyone the way that Christ has served me. Little did I know that the opportunity would come in way of my sin. Dirty, yet washed clean through Him.

We walked to the car and past the young couple and their two babies. The husband said thank you again, and I nodded "God bless you." Will they ever know how much they have served me? Our eyes will meet across the golden streets, I'm told...I hope. I cried to the Jeep and my children asked why?

I shared with them what had happened. How Mama was wrong and how God, my Daddy, told me I was wrong. My sweet son, precious love, told me "Mom, it's ok. Everybody makes mistakes." It was blessed words, not from his lips alone.

My point being, confess your sins among men. Even if they are your children, they will see, learn, and forgive. In time they will see everyone makes mistakes and everyone can pay for those mistakes, even if it is in the form of 2 boxes of cereal. Even more, when the world is heavy upon your shoulders and you are questioning "Where is my piece of the pie?" It might come in the form of your own faults. In my weakness, He is so much stronger. He presses HARD to serve others and build us up, in HIM.

I am a sinner. I am humbled. I serve. I am humbled. He is glorified.

House

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UPDATE: I think it's time.

What can I say, I needed a break. It was really out of my control. God put a lot on my plate. I felt like I was at Las Vegas all-you-can-eat-buffet-on Thanksgiving. Then needed to un-zip my pants and nap on the Lazyboy. Looking for a house in the depths of grief was hard and bittersweet. I knew I needed to move, to be closer to family, and leave the home Russ and I shared for almost 5 years. So many memories, it would swallow me when I would go back to pack or clean. They would stop me at the door with a wave of nausea, my breathe frozen, and right before passing out the un-controllable crying would start. (Yeah no way in God's green earth I could live there...ever.) HARD.

But at the same time, I was leaving the memories and starting new ones without him. BITTERSWEET.

When looking for a home I had my must list: good neighborhood, good bones, and something I could take care of on my own. I found everything I needed and more! It was everything Russell would have wanted too. He grew up in a home similar to ours, and I know he loves it. Pictures in post below. It took as long to close on the house as it did to do all the repairs. We removed two trees, several limbs, removed flooring, painted every wall and cabinet, and put in new tile! Thank God I had a 10 day RV-vacation in between all that, but that's another post. Moving weekend was crazy. We had 5 trucks, cabinet men, closet systems installed, re-built stairs, and a few extras. Oh yeah, we also moved furniture and boxes...haha! Doing all this during the summer was fun. Work during the week and LAKE on the weekend. Our first function was Ike's birthday party and it was a success. THEN, I was totally shocked by my surprise birthday/housewarming/fence party. So MUCH fun people! Thank you.

The kids started school and our "new" life started....FOR REAL!

I knew it would happen, I told others...."I'll know what this will REALLY feel like when I'm not living with my mom. When the kids are in school and we are doing the daily life. When dinner is on the table at 6:00, we are sitting down, and Daddy's not walking through the door."

And it has.

I think that because some of the shock has worn off, it's "easier" to handle. But then again, I'm probably just getting used to getting blown away by black clouds. At times, I'm glad that the comforts of home are here to comfort, but at times they are the catalyst to ball-up-on-the-couch-moments. Most people ask "How are you doing?" No lie, it sucks. No lie, I'll get through it. It's just hard to sum up EVERYTHING I've been going through in a little chat. I still get a head ache thinking about everything that has happened this year. The drama alone, whewww!

One constant is and always will be my King. He is my rock, my Daddy, and beloved. He is here. One thing, I haven't shared with many, is that I miss my old relationship with God. I'm not mad at Him and I don't feel that he is punishing me. I just miss the "old us", the way we were. I'm going down a path I never thought He would have lead me down. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained; at times I feel I have nothing left to give. Any time spent with Him, I'm taking and asking for healing peace. He delivers. But there haven't been many days when it's just HIM and ME. Days of pure worship and adoration.
It's usually ME and one of the following "fixer-uppers": ME and my BLAH, Russell, the kids, the family, the friends, the house, the lawyers, the meetings, the police, the depositions, or the "others". I used to go to worship, raise my hands, sing, and laugh. Since January, I freeze. Unable to walk. Tears stream throughout every song and my voice cracks. My hands grip the seat in front of me or each other because I'm shaking. I'm drained, weak, and heartbroken. He is still rocking me, rubbing my cheek, and healing my heart. I am thankful for the handful of "US" days, mmmmm BliSs!!!

I had one Sunday, and someone noticed. I cried when they thanked me.

I know He is not done with me yet, and this trial will display His glory. It's just really hard and tiresome to walk through. I wanna run, but know resting in Him will win the race. So that's the update. Sorry it's been so long. There will be more to come. God bless.

Peace Out.

Acts 1:8

My meditation brought this to me for the lies told and spread during this nightmare. I asked myself why did "these" people do this to us (our family, friends, and me)? Why lie? Why believe a liar? Why spread what you don't understand? Why protest so much?

"But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you;"

This is why so many of us doubted them and the venom they spoke. That's why so many came running seeking the truth. Those who know the truth will weed out the lies and crush them with power. The power of the Holy Spirit will come upon you and you will know the truth.

Those who do not know the truth will believe the lies, because your heart is filled with lies. You are truly weak and my heart sinks for you. Seek the Holy Spirit.

Stand Still

It's been a while since my last post, but my last post is so important to me that it needed it's time. Not to mention, I've been busy with home deadlines, counselor sessions, and meetings. Which most are at a stand still. Any extra time is spent with my children or resting my emotional roller coaster ride.

I had a talk with my dad this morning about set-backs, move forward two spaces and back one. Of course, his simple wisdom always helps me. He said "I don't see you moving back at all, we have only made progress. Right now, we are just standing still." It took me a bit to really let that sink in and really focus on all the progress we have made.

Emotionally and physically, I haven't lost my mind and I have hope. I had a wonderful relationship with a loving man for almost 10 years. No regrets. So wonderful and healthy, in fact, that I'm able to be happy with and for him. Happy, because he is where he has always longed to be, who wouldn't? I can be mad for things unfinished, mistakes made, and shortcomings. So I yell and fuss at him (in my car, I'm crazy! But my crazy leads to healthy.). He says, "I'm sorry"; I forgive and move on.

I have hope for myself. It's hard to not get wrapped up in the "roll" of the young widow. "Poor Samarah, and everything she has gone through." Sympathy and empathy are always welcomed; I want to cry, yell, laugh, and heal with everyone hurting. Although, there are times when the lines of sympathy and pity are blurred by my eyes and pity feels like weakness. It's not anyone's doing, it's just an emotion I didn't know I'd feel so much frustration. I know it's just a tactical tool, used by one I will not speak his name, to keep me down. Used to steal my thunder, rob my joy, and put a wedge of doubt in the core beliefs of hope, faith, and love. So, I image Russell cheering me on, "You're gonna Rock this life, babe. Live it. Love it."

It's hard to wait. I want this nightmare over right now. My mother, of course, had some thoughts to share on that. "You have already forgiven "him" for the accident. You didn't make the choices "that man" made and you don't have to live with them. "He" will probably never admit or say "he" is sorry. So, don't wait on it and get sucked into "his" own personal hell. Because no matter when or what happens the only justice you can count on is God's and the power of forgiveness."

My parents rock. Period.

BUT really, it's so true. Whenever this ends, for me forgiveness will be the end. My first pure thought of "that man" hours after he drove that car was forgiveness. I was pleading with my dad; "He has kids, Daddy. Can we not charge him, Daddy? He's got Russell blood on his hands, he can't live with that. I just want to hold him and let him know I forgive him. It was an accident, Daddy. I want him to know he'll be forgiven."

Little did I know, I will have to forgive him for running away from the scene, for almost an hour. Later, lying and blaming this horrific accident on my husband. Then the latest, denying even KNOWING my husband. The lies just keep surfacing and my forgiveness bank is getting low, for "him" and the others who believed him. My hope and prayers focus on forgiving the future pain endured.

I'm at a stand still....

Stand.

"Be on alert, STAND firm in the faith,
act like men, be strong.
Let all that you do be done in love."
1Corinthians 16:13-14

Still.

"Be STILL, and know that I am God"
(Psalm 46:10)

....and I'll rock it, live it, and love it.

Anniversary of a New Life

It's Thankful Thursday and a "day" for me. Nine years ago today I started fresh. I became a new creation in Christ.

There is a story, but no need to go into detail. I had been longing for something more. More understanding, more peace, more love and more truth. I had so many questions that were answered, and so many avenues I wondered down, but they all left me wanting more. What was I missing? Because I still felt the disconnect.

So I walked alone, looked up at the sky, and asked the question. "If you are who you say you are, then show yourself to me. What am I missing? Show yourself." Oh a challenge!?!

And He did in a big way. BIG! All the while speaking to me in a big gentle voice. "Samarah, you do know me and I am who you know me to be. I am the Alpha and the Omega. I am the Creator of all things. You are missing One. You know me, but you do not know my Son. He IS. See Him now, know Him now, love Him now. Now Go."

I saw His face. I went and told them. I screamed "I'm a fool, I'm a fool!" and Russell knew. He held me and said "Oh thank God you know now." Russell and Corey prayed with me, and we talked about how my old body will become a new creation in Him. I am a masterpiece.

He is faithful to me, He loves me, He trusts me, and He LONGS for me to return HOME. And I will wait for Him. After a few years I thought His greatness and wonder in my life would fade, but it's only gotten stronger. I thought I would turn away after countless worldly disappointments, but He holds me closer. I worried that His truth would go back to the fairy tale, I once thought it was, but His word is REAL perfection backward and forward. One God speaking through many, all telling of The One Love coming to bring back many to One God. I wondered if my faith in Him would be seen as "High and Mighty", but His example of a humble servant has been the broken record in my mind.

Finally, I am NOT in control. I rest in His arms during the doubt and hold His hands when called on His mission. At last my fate is sealed and peace is restored. I lean not on my understanding, but His. It is in His hands. Where He is, I will be, holding Me. My true Romance.

Happy Anniversary my Sweet Beloved.

"My lover spoke and said to me,
arise my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.
See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone."
Song of Songs 2:10-11

Thankful Thursday

Just one....Russell helped me to become a dog lover.

I was once afraid of dogs, did not like their smell, and never dreamed of enjoying sloppy kisses. Russell got O'hura as a puppy 6 weeks into our relationship, that will be 10 years in October. She is a great, loving, sneaky character. She loves my children. We both love to dance in the yard together. I love her sweet smile greeting us when we get home. The way her tails wags over her back and right side, because it's not just a regular tail...it's curly and precious. She always paws the ground and circles 3 times before laying down for the night.

Cajun, our puppy, was Russell's dream dog. Growing up with labs all his life, he always said he wanted another as an adult. Cajun is precious, my baby boy. I fell in love at first sight. Seeing how O'hura was Russell's first little girl, Cajun was my boy. Our family feels complete with him...it was 3boys and 3girls. I like even numbers. He is fun, happy, loving, and smart. I love his deep brown eyes and love to please. He is super fast, loves to play, and is a so funny in water!

We miss our pups and can't wait to move in with them by our sides. My children miss their playmates; I know they will cherish their relationships with their dogs so much when older. Here's to O'hura and Cajun, no one can pronounce her name and he will forever be a coon-ass. This is what you get when you watch Marley and Me.

More OF Less

Slacking on posting because I'm house hunting, on top of everything else. (No, I'm looking for a house on the beach. It's a simple picture but there is a lot happening in the simplicity.) House hunting, it's a little stressful, but a great way to move forward. Everything happens for a reason, and for all the times I complained about living in a mobile home, I am SO happy I did. Of course I had other reasons why I did not mind it, low payment that was quickly paid off, small and simple, and NOW small price tag for someone else to buy. In these tough times I'm hopeful that a family would love to downsize into our comfy mobile home. Take it anywhere they wanna BE!

In our new home, that the children are super happy about, we'd still like to keep it simple. I've learned even more in the past 2 and half months that less is more. Russell and I always tried to live a simple life, filled with family, friends, and God's delight. But minds can wonder, we're human. Having "more" seems better, the more the merrier, grass is greener....but it's still the same grass. I have learned this on so many levels and glad it's one area where Abba has really blessed me.

Less stuff. I never really suffered from shop-o-lism, maybe the Goodwill-lism!?! Anyway, I've learn that having 4 pairs of pants, 2 sweaters, 2 jackets, 1 coat, 7 shirts/underwear/socks IS really all the clothes you need. Your children too! It also means less laundry!! I've enjoyed just having what we need all in one room, granted I'm ready for a little more space, but we have everything we NEED. The kids don't have too many toys; they'd rather play outside with sticks and dirt. We've checked out the local library for books, seeing how we are too far away from our regular stomping grounds. Plus, mom doesn't have DISH or cable, so less TV (guilty pleasure) means more reading. Love that.

Less pick up and GO. More relax, stay a while. I've slowed my "roll" down a lot. I like being productive but I'm happy with biting off a little at a time now. At the end of the week, I still got a bunch of stuff done. I helped my kids pick up their toys, instead of ordering them around...I'm kinda snappy that way. I hugged Ike when he got frustrated with Lilli because she talks too much. Sharing her feelings sometimes sounds like she is rattin' her brother out, and the snow ball is rolling. So when my head was about to come off, I started crying, got on my knees, and hugged both of them. (I'm guilty of shouting to take control of the situation...but I'm really out of control.) I forced myself to used the opportunity to teach them. Less shouting more listening, less hurting more loving, and less shouting more hugging-momma.

Less of my mouth, means I hear Him clearly. When in shock, people around you sound like Charlie Brown parents, in case you've never been in shock. You only see emotions and hear what God wants you to hear. "You'll be OK, We love you, You are not alone, We'll help you, I AM WITH YOU!" It's an amazing survival tool He installed. See, I carry on an on-going conversation with God all the time, really. I've even thanked Him for a coupon I didn't know I had, "Cool, thanks dude. You're awesome.", in front of the cashier! She thought I was nuts. So if you have every seen me "talk to myself", I'm not, it's God. Well when I shut up, He'll talk a blue streak! "I love you precious child, go and be a strong woman, I'm here, you need to rest, find joy in the pain and tears, My will, baby...Not yours." It helps the stress.

Less stress. More freedom and truth! It's awesome. When you know the truth, you only have to say it ONCE, to yourself anyways. Not many times, over and over to convince yourself of it. Just once. Say it, live it, and then be done. Even Jesus said "it is finished." He did not have to come back over and over doing the same thing. He just came, spoke the truth, lived it, and went on His way. I'm doing my best to go "net-less" and follow. His voice drowns out all negative voices who scream their opinions to the world for no other reason than insecurity. Which in turn allows me to just simply not listen and not form an opinion on something so ridiculous.

Less of me. Less of me means more of Him. I prayed before Russ passed that we would hungry for Him more, lean on Him more, and love Him more intimately. In a round about way, my prayers are answered. It's not pretty, but it's true. I prayed that Russ and I would be closer than ever. I thought we did a pretty darn good job of being open and honest. We talked all the time, worked on our feelings, and shared dreams. Sat in prayer with each other and for each other daily. We always wanted to be with each other more. He hated leaving for work, wished we could go with each other on guys/girls night out, and even talked on the phone when following each other driving. We simply loved each others company and friendship. He is my beloved help-mate. Now, he is with me 24/7. Can't see, hear, touch him in earthly terms, but in spirit God allows him a direct line to me. A vision of him flying beside my car, seeing a hawk, finding a four leaf clover, having our children sing his songs out of the blue, or share a memory. It's like a unlimited plan!

That pretty much says it, I'm looking for a house and MORE OF LESS making it a HOME. Love to you all.

Thankful Thursday

I got an idea, Thankful Thursday! A friend of mine blogs, Not Me Monday and Wordless Wednesday. Go Erin! I've tried to play along, but nothing comes out. I've had some wonderful things happen to me in my time of grief. I am thankful, so thankful! ONE, I am still so blessed and TWO that I'm still able to see, hear, taste, and feel the blessings!!!

So its Thankful Thursday! Let's give thanks! (Oh. I must add Russ and my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving...BTW it's always on a Thursday too!)

1. Walking with the kids on Monday. Our plan was to scope out the yard where I picked my wedding bouquet, and pick a couple for my Anniversary. All the flowers were a little chilly from the snow, so we just enjoy the pond and rock garden. We saw tad-polls!

2. Lillian is so honest and pure at heart. We were talking about our anniversary, March 3 2001. They wanted to know all the ins and outs of the day. It was a nice chat. Lillian ended it with, "Mom, I want you to have another husband." I giggled "Oh really, why?" She answered "Cause you don't have one here, on earth." I told her I'd think about it, but I enjoyed just being with them for now. She is so precious, she just wants her momma to be happy.

3. Isaac held my hand for a long time. I love his hands and his quiet nature. As well as, how he answers EVERYTHING with..."Mmm fine, Mmm kay, Mmm sure..." What a man.

4. I'm thankful for my marriage with Russell. It was not perfect, but it was the REAL DEAL. He made me talk so much, about things I just wanted to ignore or blow off. We made each other laugh from the get go, and kept it going until the end. He made our family think about others and try to help whenever we could. Changing tires for older ladies, buying pizza for cops on Christmas Eve, and stopping to thank soldiers whenever they'd pass. He is just a loving, sweet, caring spirit. I'm so thankful I had the little time I did to celebrate life with you, sugar bear. My eyes and heart are open wide. Happy Anniversary!

5. For my ladies! For thinking of me, praying for me, watching my children, sending food, and loving on me. As well as filling me up with laughter on my anniversary. I really am blessed to have such wonderful women in my life. My mom is the best one of all, sorry girls. M'Kay!

6. For little signs and wonders that let me know He and Russ are around. The hawk I saw while I was listening to his music for the first time after his passing! He could spot a hawk from 200 yards; once we saw one fly down and pick up a rabbit...no lie. It was NUTS! The earth-angels that surprise me in Kroger!! Thank YOU!

7. For my little friend Esther, she melted my heart the other night. "It's Marah! Hey Marah!" We read a book and snuggled for a few. She is precious and helped me to re-think my name for my grandchildren, from SamBam to Marah. Is that the BEST or what!?!

8. Speaking of Esther, I'm thankful for my study of the book Esther. It came along at a great time. God's will during a time of crisis and following Him. PLUS...The time to read! My two new books I can't wait to dig into as well...Sacred Romance by Curtis & Eldredge and Sex God by Rob Bell. It's not what you think. (He he he ;))

9. For laughter. I can still laugh and take every chance to do so!!! Mom and Woody are funny. Now that we are "roomies" the on-goings of their everyday here and there are hilarious. It's nice to be around them during this time; they listen, cry, and help me to laugh a lot. Life, it is what it is. LAUGH.

10. Spring! Yeah, the snow was great and all, but I'm ready for spring. Warmth, flowers, festivals, and grilling out with my babies. (It was one of their FAVORITE things to do with Russ. "Dad, Are we grilling out? SWEET!")
I'm ready to find a home and take advantage of my SWEET gift-card to Home Depot! Flowers, plants, or....TOOLS!! Can't wait to build a home full of love.

Thanks for sharing in my Thankful Thursday. Give thanks with a grateful heart. Give a thanks full of cheer, He loves a cheerful giver. He IS.

Silence...

It's been a while, I guess, since my last post. It wasn't until a friend mentioned that I should "keep up" with my blog. Thanks Erin. I guess one reason for my silence is there's just not more I can say than, "this just sucks. But I must move on. "Live, right!?!" My mother-in-law even agrees with me, this does suck. She is precious and I'm so glad I have such a great family.

Of course, I understand through this, God's glory will prevail and my destiny will blossom. God's will for me is wonderful, more than I could ever image. I just need time, warmth, and rain to bloom. I'm reminded of that every time I see the new growth of daffodils late February, early March. Another reason I loved that simple flower in my wedding bouquet; besides they are hardy, multiple, and surprise the eye with it's brightness around every corner during the late looming months of winter. Hope of new growth.

What I am struggling with is the timing and how quickly I want to move from the pain. Not to mention the silence. That is just not possible; time is out of my hands. Rushing this will only hide the pain and that will turn into anger. It's been very hard not to live from a place of anger, and fully submitting to the pain at every level of this walk. I am in pain because a need or needs are UN-met. Admitting I NEED, is something that is very hard for me. Seeing how my pride has ALWAYS been an issue; a stumbling block that pushes the healthy away, and gives into my "I'll show you..." attitude. Asking Abba for help from Him and His family is nothing to push away, it's like fertilizer!

Last night, I started a new bible study with Beth Moore, LOVE HER! She is guiding us through the book of Esther; I must admit, I've never read it. I'm a little late in the study. (It's been a LONG HARD 2 months.) I'm joining in around the 3rd week. The amazing part to me is she spoke last night about God's will, His destiny for you, and His timing. At the time His will is brought to us is at or through times of crisis; we are struggling and asked to obey, but the timing just stinks! We feel as though we just can't take on anymore and that silence of His will is the only way out. We can remain silent or we can speak. Russ always told me, "if you don't do God's will, He'll find someone to do it. Wouldn't you like to be rewarded for following His will?" It's elementary.

My feelings are, I can see God's will for me. Not the complete picture, but somewhat of the direction He has turned me on my heels. How He has asked me to use my passions, my talents, and love for Him to help others. (Others mostly being my children, that's my focus presently.) BUT the timing and the crisis SUCK! ;) I know it will get better, only by His grace. Other than that the action I want to be taking seems impossible! It's like I'm hooked to six different ropes being pulled and tugged in each direction. Seeing progress in one direction, thinking I'm moving forward, and then BAM I'm slug back to the middle waiting for the next ropes turn.

Then through it all, the moments of silence are SO painful. Mostly, not hearing Russell's voice, his live music, and his giggle when we'd hug. As well as the not knowing about many issues concerning my circumstances right now. New home, job, schools, and other "trials" on the horizon. Blah! I cannot stay silent and sit with His will on my lap. I must speak and stay in motion. It might be slow going, but at least I'm vertical, right!?! I go back to when I first came back to Christ; God told me..."See Him now, know Him now, love Him now, Now Go."

Winter is fading and spring is growing. New HOPE of GROWTH.

Be Childlike...

Random.

When I picture myself in heaven, which I often do, I image I am 7 years old. Don't ask why, I'm not sure. I don't know if it is because my birthday is on the 7th day, or that my 7th birthday was a fun one. Mostly, I think it has to do with that the age of 7 is a great year to be a child. You still want to cuddle with your mom and dad, but your old enough to run and dance freely without caring what people think of you.
My favorite activity was making mud pies and building forts with cousins or friends. Dancing around in the yard and flipping cartwheels in the grass. My children do the same; act like lions in tall grass, pretend to be hunters in the jungle, and build "cities of sand" where only Matchbox people can go. I also think at this age we leave being a baby behind and work our way further in to "child-hood". I believe it was this age that I really started to hear Him, and prayers were not just a nightly "something-you-just do-cause-you-have-to" kind of thing. I remember my playtime was my prayer time, and He was my playmate.

I notice my children talking to themselves, and most times it's a pretend game sometimes it's not. I'll mistake pretend time for prayer time and respond to whatever they may be chatting about. Most times a "I'm not talking to you right now, momma." will come back at me. "Excuse me?" "I'm just talking to God, momma." I blush, my bad. After my first mistake, I've learned not to answer until I'm called. Isaac is soft, quiet, deep, staring off into space, and speaking sometimes only with his eyes. Lilli on the other hand is loud and bright, singing her love out loud, dancing sweetly pretending all of the birds sing with her.

As of lately, (I always crack up when I say that because lately life stinks) praying, crying, reading, searching, and writing has really left me tired. When I should just have faith like a child, rest in His arms, and play in His creation. Sing brightly of my love, gaze at His wonder for me and me for Him, dance for Him sweetly even when only my heart can move. Speak only with my eyes and heart, because my mind and mouth can bite off too much. Freely love and be loved.

It's warm, let's play.

SpicyPeach

Sam here.
Starting a blog for many reasons...God, me, my children, family, friends, and life.
They all come to play here.

By the way, it's called Spicy Peach Patch and here is why.
Russell and I were first dating and driving along Hwy 85 talking about the truckers. He told me when he was younger he too had a CB. His handle was Red or something along those lines. I asked him what he thought my handle should be and he said, "Well, you're cajun and live in Georgia. You're kinda of like a Spicy Georgia Peach."

It suck. I liked that I was his SpicyPeach.

Later, while reading Gal 5:22 it hit me but in a whole different way...Be a cute fruit and I am a spicypeach. I like that I am God's SpicyPeach.

If not now, when? LIVE NOW.

My husband used to tell me in times of stress and disappointment, "Don't re-live it Sam." I find myself saying this phrase over and over again lately. As well as, "Live, Be Here Now."

That is what I am doing, LIVING. Breathe in, breathe out, get up walk to the bathroom, grab toothbrush, apply toothpaste, insert brush and wiggle over teeth. Start your day, all you have to do is open your eyes and breathe. What you choose to do next is your choice, there are many options.

One, we can re-live the memories that block a healthy future, or we can open our hearts and LIVE through the present with our feelings beside us. Some think that because we still "feel" the pain from a tragic event, we have to re-live the memory over and over. The pain and emotions are only a result of the event and it may stay with us for a while, forever. There is no need to deny them and push them deep within. LIVE your feelings, LIVE your "being", LIVE your heart until it feels as though it will burst. BE HERE NOW, LIVE NOW. BUT cease the re-living of memories that pull us away from the path of the future.

The only thing I kept repeating during the first 5 days of his death was, "We had it, we had it. It was gonna be our year, we were gonna do it." I kept going back to one of the last memories I had with him. We were in a yard, talking about Lilli and Ike. I told him "I'm glad we have this time together. I love you so much. I am so happy." and we kissed, held each other tight, and he giggled. He then pulled back a bit and said "I am happy too, I love you. It's gonna be our year, Baby."

Of course, I kept thinking what could I have done differently!?! Why? And what about "our year"? Not to mention, the replay button in my head of the events leading up to the worst sentence I have ever heard in my life. I kept praying, "Lord, what am I gonna do, when I don't even know how to DO. I don't know how to BE" The pain was so intense I thought I was going to die, no really, it was THAT bad. AND then I heard him. Russell, that "him".

During a tearful shower, not sure I would be able to wash between the crying and pleading, I told God of the memory with Russ in the yard. (Like He didn't know about it!?!) Then of how hours later he was gone. Gone in such a way I couldn't say it, but I couldn't get the picture out of my head either. Then I heard Russell, as loud as if he were in the room, "Don't re-live it, baby. LIVE."

It was at that point in my grief, that I knew it wouldn't stop. No matter what I am doing, where I am, who I am with, the grief will always be there. The loss will always be there. To what degree in the moment, who knows what to expect, BUT that it will always remain. From there the only option I had was to LIVE. BE HERE NOW, LIVE NOW. Take that pain and cry until you run out of tears. Then when you make more, cry again. Feel the pain, the hurt, the loss. Allow my Comforter to walk with me through the grief. Then I will know simple peace and happiness, and bless me I do.

During that first 5 days I knew few things. My world was rocked to the core, flipped inside out and back again, then belly up. I hardly knew how to feed myself. The only thing that remained was faith and grace. God was still beside me. Even in my loss He delivered me grace. When the pain consumed me, there came the grace and peace. (Which if you told me a month before I would feel these things, I would have thought you crazy.) But really, it fell upon me. Almost as hard as the pain. God is so much stronger than our worst moment, and He kicks it's snarly teeth in.

So, with all that on the table (the worst is over, I promise.) I am LIVING! I am moving forward, with a "I am a Widow, it SUCKS, but it's OK" badge. (I think my old girl scout troop might just send me one...I did sell the most cookies in 89, for crying out loud.) No really, I am choosing to move forward and live as my sweet beloved lived, HONESTLY and without fear. I am allowing only God to direct my path and He has turned me to the future. A future with some pain, but more grace, peace, and mostly Him.

Welcome to my world. It's still gonna be "our year"