Silence...

It's been a while, I guess, since my last post. It wasn't until a friend mentioned that I should "keep up" with my blog. Thanks Erin. I guess one reason for my silence is there's just not more I can say than, "this just sucks. But I must move on. "Live, right!?!" My mother-in-law even agrees with me, this does suck. She is precious and I'm so glad I have such a great family.

Of course, I understand through this, God's glory will prevail and my destiny will blossom. God's will for me is wonderful, more than I could ever image. I just need time, warmth, and rain to bloom. I'm reminded of that every time I see the new growth of daffodils late February, early March. Another reason I loved that simple flower in my wedding bouquet; besides they are hardy, multiple, and surprise the eye with it's brightness around every corner during the late looming months of winter. Hope of new growth.

What I am struggling with is the timing and how quickly I want to move from the pain. Not to mention the silence. That is just not possible; time is out of my hands. Rushing this will only hide the pain and that will turn into anger. It's been very hard not to live from a place of anger, and fully submitting to the pain at every level of this walk. I am in pain because a need or needs are UN-met. Admitting I NEED, is something that is very hard for me. Seeing how my pride has ALWAYS been an issue; a stumbling block that pushes the healthy away, and gives into my "I'll show you..." attitude. Asking Abba for help from Him and His family is nothing to push away, it's like fertilizer!

Last night, I started a new bible study with Beth Moore, LOVE HER! She is guiding us through the book of Esther; I must admit, I've never read it. I'm a little late in the study. (It's been a LONG HARD 2 months.) I'm joining in around the 3rd week. The amazing part to me is she spoke last night about God's will, His destiny for you, and His timing. At the time His will is brought to us is at or through times of crisis; we are struggling and asked to obey, but the timing just stinks! We feel as though we just can't take on anymore and that silence of His will is the only way out. We can remain silent or we can speak. Russ always told me, "if you don't do God's will, He'll find someone to do it. Wouldn't you like to be rewarded for following His will?" It's elementary.

My feelings are, I can see God's will for me. Not the complete picture, but somewhat of the direction He has turned me on my heels. How He has asked me to use my passions, my talents, and love for Him to help others. (Others mostly being my children, that's my focus presently.) BUT the timing and the crisis SUCK! ;) I know it will get better, only by His grace. Other than that the action I want to be taking seems impossible! It's like I'm hooked to six different ropes being pulled and tugged in each direction. Seeing progress in one direction, thinking I'm moving forward, and then BAM I'm slug back to the middle waiting for the next ropes turn.

Then through it all, the moments of silence are SO painful. Mostly, not hearing Russell's voice, his live music, and his giggle when we'd hug. As well as the not knowing about many issues concerning my circumstances right now. New home, job, schools, and other "trials" on the horizon. Blah! I cannot stay silent and sit with His will on my lap. I must speak and stay in motion. It might be slow going, but at least I'm vertical, right!?! I go back to when I first came back to Christ; God told me..."See Him now, know Him now, love Him now, Now Go."

Winter is fading and spring is growing. New HOPE of GROWTH.