2.26.2009

Silence...

It's been a while, I guess, since my last post. It wasn't until a friend mentioned that I should "keep up" with my blog. Thanks Erin. I guess one reason for my silence is there's just not more I can say than, "this just sucks. But I must move on. "Live, right!?!" My mother-in-law even agrees with me, this does suck. She is precious and I'm so glad I have such a great family.

Of course, I understand through this, God's glory will prevail and my destiny will blossom. God's will for me is wonderful, more than I could ever image. I just need time, warmth, and rain to bloom. I'm reminded of that every time I see the new growth of daffodils late February, early March. Another reason I loved that simple flower in my wedding bouquet; besides they are hardy, multiple, and surprise the eye with it's brightness around every corner during the late looming months of winter. Hope of new growth.

What I am struggling with is the timing and how quickly I want to move from the pain. Not to mention the silence. That is just not possible; time is out of my hands. Rushing this will only hide the pain and that will turn into anger. It's been very hard not to live from a place of anger, and fully submitting to the pain at every level of this walk. I am in pain because a need or needs are UN-met. Admitting I NEED, is something that is very hard for me. Seeing how my pride has ALWAYS been an issue; a stumbling block that pushes the healthy away, and gives into my "I'll show you..." attitude. Asking Abba for help from Him and His family is nothing to push away, it's like fertilizer!

Last night, I started a new bible study with Beth Moore, LOVE HER! She is guiding us through the book of Esther; I must admit, I've never read it. I'm a little late in the study. (It's been a LONG HARD 2 months.) I'm joining in around the 3rd week. The amazing part to me is she spoke last night about God's will, His destiny for you, and His timing. At the time His will is brought to us is at or through times of crisis; we are struggling and asked to obey, but the timing just stinks! We feel as though we just can't take on anymore and that silence of His will is the only way out. We can remain silent or we can speak. Russ always told me, "if you don't do God's will, He'll find someone to do it. Wouldn't you like to be rewarded for following His will?" It's elementary.

My feelings are, I can see God's will for me. Not the complete picture, but somewhat of the direction He has turned me on my heels. How He has asked me to use my passions, my talents, and love for Him to help others. (Others mostly being my children, that's my focus presently.) BUT the timing and the crisis SUCK! ;) I know it will get better, only by His grace. Other than that the action I want to be taking seems impossible! It's like I'm hooked to six different ropes being pulled and tugged in each direction. Seeing progress in one direction, thinking I'm moving forward, and then BAM I'm slug back to the middle waiting for the next ropes turn.

Then through it all, the moments of silence are SO painful. Mostly, not hearing Russell's voice, his live music, and his giggle when we'd hug. As well as the not knowing about many issues concerning my circumstances right now. New home, job, schools, and other "trials" on the horizon. Blah! I cannot stay silent and sit with His will on my lap. I must speak and stay in motion. It might be slow going, but at least I'm vertical, right!?! I go back to when I first came back to Christ; God told me..."See Him now, know Him now, love Him now, Now Go."

Winter is fading and spring is growing. New HOPE of GROWTH.

4 comments:

  1. Thank you Sam for continuing to share. After my mom died, a fried of mine pulled me aside at work and said,"you can talk about your mom's death to me whenever you want to. You don't have to think that I will ever feel like you need to 'move on'." And I was like, "Are you finished with the microwave yet?" Just joking. I will be serious again: in a really odd way, I think grief is a beautiful (albeit painful) emotion. In your silences, in your pain, you miss an amazing person. And through that pain, you know that your love together was wonderful and awesome. I am not really giving advice or telling you what you don't already know. I am just sharing back. Your relationship with God is really...well, let's just say my faith wavers sometimes and it is good to read your words. Sorry about the long comment!

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  2. I've been checking your blog often, waiting for a new post. I enjoy your writing and love your view on things. I also think you should keep it up, especially if it's helping you along in your journey through life. Love you girl and still think of you everyday.

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  3. Dear Sam: You are such a beautiful person inside and out. Yes, this does SUCK, but God is with us even in the suckiness (new word I just made up - get this trait from my mom - she used to do that a lot). Sorry, I chased a rabbit. Back to now, I have been listening to God speaking to me through this. I have been asking Him to show me what I am supposed to do with this. Up until January 1st, I had a sense of his directing and knowing that new things were coming and I was just waiting for Him to show me. I am there now - fully clothed in the sense of new things coming, yet not knowing what or when. I only know the why - the why is HIM. What He will do in this in and through us. Music is and has always been a part of my life and I want to share a few words from a song that I love and was reminded of today. "Beauty for Ashes" I have posted it on FB. The chorus goes like these. He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, peace for despair. He will bring beauty for us out of this tragedy because we seek Him. I love the scripture that says "love the Lord you God with all your heart, and all your soul, and all your mind." When we do that, he brings beauty for ashes and so forth. Love you dear one. Keep the faith and keep the devil at bay. Sweet dreams.

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  4. Sam, your friend Erin sent me your blog. My husband went to heaven on the 5th of January this year. I feel everything your feeling. My bible study group is also in the third week of Beth Moore's Esther study! All I can say is that prayer is all that is getting me through this. I have two year old and due in August with our second baby. I will add you to my prayer list.

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