If not now, when? LIVE NOW.

My husband used to tell me in times of stress and disappointment, "Don't re-live it Sam." I find myself saying this phrase over and over again lately. As well as, "Live, Be Here Now."

That is what I am doing, LIVING. Breathe in, breathe out, get up walk to the bathroom, grab toothbrush, apply toothpaste, insert brush and wiggle over teeth. Start your day, all you have to do is open your eyes and breathe. What you choose to do next is your choice, there are many options.

One, we can re-live the memories that block a healthy future, or we can open our hearts and LIVE through the present with our feelings beside us. Some think that because we still "feel" the pain from a tragic event, we have to re-live the memory over and over. The pain and emotions are only a result of the event and it may stay with us for a while, forever. There is no need to deny them and push them deep within. LIVE your feelings, LIVE your "being", LIVE your heart until it feels as though it will burst. BE HERE NOW, LIVE NOW. BUT cease the re-living of memories that pull us away from the path of the future.

The only thing I kept repeating during the first 5 days of his death was, "We had it, we had it. It was gonna be our year, we were gonna do it." I kept going back to one of the last memories I had with him. We were in a yard, talking about Lilli and Ike. I told him "I'm glad we have this time together. I love you so much. I am so happy." and we kissed, held each other tight, and he giggled. He then pulled back a bit and said "I am happy too, I love you. It's gonna be our year, Baby."

Of course, I kept thinking what could I have done differently!?! Why? And what about "our year"? Not to mention, the replay button in my head of the events leading up to the worst sentence I have ever heard in my life. I kept praying, "Lord, what am I gonna do, when I don't even know how to DO. I don't know how to BE" The pain was so intense I thought I was going to die, no really, it was THAT bad. AND then I heard him. Russell, that "him".

During a tearful shower, not sure I would be able to wash between the crying and pleading, I told God of the memory with Russ in the yard. (Like He didn't know about it!?!) Then of how hours later he was gone. Gone in such a way I couldn't say it, but I couldn't get the picture out of my head either. Then I heard Russell, as loud as if he were in the room, "Don't re-live it, baby. LIVE."

It was at that point in my grief, that I knew it wouldn't stop. No matter what I am doing, where I am, who I am with, the grief will always be there. The loss will always be there. To what degree in the moment, who knows what to expect, BUT that it will always remain. From there the only option I had was to LIVE. BE HERE NOW, LIVE NOW. Take that pain and cry until you run out of tears. Then when you make more, cry again. Feel the pain, the hurt, the loss. Allow my Comforter to walk with me through the grief. Then I will know simple peace and happiness, and bless me I do.

During that first 5 days I knew few things. My world was rocked to the core, flipped inside out and back again, then belly up. I hardly knew how to feed myself. The only thing that remained was faith and grace. God was still beside me. Even in my loss He delivered me grace. When the pain consumed me, there came the grace and peace. (Which if you told me a month before I would feel these things, I would have thought you crazy.) But really, it fell upon me. Almost as hard as the pain. God is so much stronger than our worst moment, and He kicks it's snarly teeth in.

So, with all that on the table (the worst is over, I promise.) I am LIVING! I am moving forward, with a "I am a Widow, it SUCKS, but it's OK" badge. (I think my old girl scout troop might just send me one...I did sell the most cookies in 89, for crying out loud.) No really, I am choosing to move forward and live as my sweet beloved lived, HONESTLY and without fear. I am allowing only God to direct my path and He has turned me to the future. A future with some pain, but more grace, peace, and mostly Him.

Welcome to my world. It's still gonna be "our year"