Purge and Peace

After the holidays I was full, so full in fact that if someone were to push me over I would spill out; almost wished someone would. It was getting uncomfortable. Purge. Most of my feelings were ones of memories; missing our family traditions, staying in our cozy home, Christmas lights on happy faces, New Year songs and embracing. These feelings are sad. As much as I loath feeling them, I don't mind visiting them because I know it's growth for my soul. Peace.

Yet, I dislike being invaded by the legal issues that involve our tragic event. Most times I just want to scream into the faces and hearts which are void of feeling and love, "I don't think about you! You chose this, not me! Please let me grieve, alone." Purge. But I can't, nor do I believe they will hear what I am saying from deep within my core. "I love people, but choose not to harbor their choices. You left him alone, left me alone. I would have hugged you and you would have heard my forgiveness. Now, your ears are blocked by the lies of your own doing. My heart aches for you." Peace.

A new year brings resolution, right. I wanted a solution. I wanted the story that is my life, not to be my life. During the holiday I had a wonderful meeting with my Holy Father and with Him, he brought my beloved. I silently pleaded with Him, "please take this from me, I don't want this to be my life, I don't want this to be my story. My aches and wounds fall on deaf ears, for my pain is not only the one of losing, but the one of my compassion being misunderstood. At times I don't want to feel sorrow for them, I want to hate, but the depth of lies and wall of pride they have built around them breaks my heart. I don't want the pain, the grief, the horrible flash backs. I don't want memories, I want us. I don't wanna be me." Purge.

"So be Me."          Peace.

So I'm sure most of you are thinking, "who does she think she is now, GOD!?!" Those who have heard the term, "living through Christ" might understand me a little more. I have done this before in my walk, loving others through a wall of Christ, instead of my judgemental self. But this was different. So here goes, what I got from this simple three word sentence was, I don't have to be the me of my past or the tainted one of my future. I can be the me of His future. I am able to go to His quiet place and be engulfed by love. I am able to sit in His silence of grace and hear the song of my future. I am able to rest in His arms and allow Him to heal the deepest wounds, we are so easily able to push down, but so afraid to visit. Push aside the doubtful, hurt, bitter, tired me and be everything in Him.

I allowed the shadows to come back in and block the light at my feet. Member that light, Samarah? Don't allow someones choices smut out your light. Purge. Don't be a fool and doubt the power of God. Go back to the beginning of the nightmare when my prayers were lifted up for ALL. When I believed and knew that God's healing grace would heal EVERYONE. When God flooded me with so much compassion for a man who hours before caused the death of my husband, that all I wanted to do was hug him until he felt forgiven. I believed, I had faith, I knew love would prevail, and we would ALL have peace. Peace.

Foolishly, other men and women felt the need to take control. Other men and women tightened their grip and doubted the will of God. They doubted the power of God, His mercy, and His LOVE. Fear and worry took over and now they are not as bright as they used to be. Darkness follows. Peace is absent. Purge.

To me peace is not the lack of pain nor the abundance of pleasure. To me it is embracing the circumstances, release our grip of control, and allow God to intercede every part of our efforts. Faith is restored and we really embrace God's plan for us. Note: I did not say "plan for someone else", "plan for US." Peace.

At the end of my meeting, my encounter, on a winter day, the afternoon light filled my room. On my empty bed, tears covered my pillow and his spirit whispered,

"Come back here, you shine brighter. Come here, come home."
"But it's painful, to feel you here in spirit, but not have you in the flesh."
"I didn't marry your flesh, sweetie."

I am not my flesh. Purge. I am who He says I am. I will walk in. Peace.


Let's Push...Bring the Pressure.

Alright guys I need you! I need help, and if any of you know me it's rare that I ask...so that means it's important. I am desperate.

On December 21st I received a subpoena for the trial. (If you are new here, this is finally the trial for the man, Todd Michael Willoughby, who wreck his car killing my late husband, Russell Hays. He then ran from the scene for 52 minutes, only to return with lies on his lips about who was driving the car. go to THE TRUTH on my blog for, well the truth; and YES MAN! for answers of prayer!) Yes, after two years, countless interruptions, and one civil lawsuit under my belt , the charged would finally see the court room on January 10th 2011.

Because I am in school and raising two children, I was kinda glad to have some time to prepare. I went to school today and rearranged my classes, in case I would have to withdraw from them because of the length of the trial. I also sent out emails for childcare help. As well as, emotional support; reliving the worst night of my life is VERY EMOTIONALLY draining. So I put on my big girl panties, prepared myself for the future agony I would have to deal with and dealt with it.

This afternoon I found out it was cancelled for reasons I cannot even believe or understand. The communication has been vague and unclear. I trusted that everything would more forward without my having to be a nagging raging widow, but I guess that is not the case.

Sadly, we have hit ANOTHER roadblock and I feel like I am shaking on January 1st 2009 again, with rage, anger, sadness, disappointment, and just plain tired! I want EVERYONE to know I am moving forward peacefully. I honestly, from the bottom of my heart, do not give a rats @$$ if Todd Michael Willoughby is found guilty or not guilty by any jury; CAUSE we ALL know he is far from INNOCENT. I have already WON my battle. I have the kinda peace Todd Michael Willougby, Kim Alexander Willoughby, Joshua Price, and Rachel Diane Epps Price will NEVER have, inner peace. What I REALLY want more than anything is to be done with this whole mess. I thought I could count on the courts, but I am slowly finding that they are slower than snail mail. So, maybe they need a little pressure? A little "HELLO McFLY!" from everyone that loves Russell.

I am begging and crying out to any of you, all of you, anyone who loves and cares about Russell and his children please copy and paste the message below and email it to Danny Porter, DA of Gwinnett County Courts. Send it to your friends, family, newspapers, tv stations, etc. I need help! Maybe if we push and add a little pressure they will hear us. Maybe we can move forward within our peace and happiness without being interrupted by someone who has already taken so much from us. I humbly thank you. Samarah Hays


Dear Mr Danny Porter,
I am a loved one of Russell Edward Hays. He was tragically killed in a car accident caused by Todd Michael Willougby  on January 1, 2009. Mr Willoughby has been charged with the crime of two counts of VH. I am asking and begging you, for the comfort and peace of Russell's wife and children, please bring forth this trial so that we ALL may heal. It has been two years since Russell's death and it is time to move forward. Thank you for your time.

Thanks again guys. Lock, Load, and Love.