love is patient...and grits her teeth waiting on her children to get out of the house on time for school.
love is kind...da looks over mistakes and won't wait for an apology because it understands the shame.
it does not envy...even when you have lost so much.
love does not boast and brag to others about something that was merely a gift to begin with.
it is not rude and over looks how badly the dish washer was loaded.
it is not self-seeking and gives the coat off its back in dead of winter.
it is not easily angered because it surrounds itself with love to cushion the blows.
love does not compare, which child is the favorite;
we are all God's children and forgiven...remember?...so that no one can boast, right? Right.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the TRUTH.

It protects, trusts, hopes, and endures all things.

Champion. Legend.

Why wait?

Love and be love.













The dishes, the laundry, I mop the floor,
between the battle of everyday norm;

lump in my throat that ceases to move,
tears behind eyelids have something to prove.

Called out and chosen, quietly I rise
to an occasion I hate to describe.

Swish, swash, fold and turn;
still I ache and heart still yearns.

Breath of His voice heard over the dryer,
"Deep within there still is the fire."

Rested at peace, He shakes my core,
I capture a moment I've known before.

Blessed assurance, not just the melody.
Signed and sealed, waiting on delivery.

Count the blessings to and fro;
it's a routine I've come to know.

First fruits, first thanks not thought of at the time,
when faced with this mountain I am to climb.

Heart and legs stronger, my opponent, I'll outrun;
first blessing of thanks, "it's not day one."



Not so much "my" truth, but THE truth. Sorry, I was sparked to write this after I read a pm from someone sweet. They keep up with my blog and always send sweet notes of encouragement. Yet, one word in her note kinda hit me in a funny way, "your truth". I wanted to snap back, "It's THE truth. I'm just the only ONE who stands up, says it, and DOESN'T CHANGE it." (But I would never do that and she doesn't deserve my snappiness.)

So once again, I'm slowly sharing what I've kept quite for the last 20 months. Why did I stay quite? Because, UNLIKE some people, I don't let OTHERS sway my thoughts. I have never felt I needed to DEFEND my husband, BECAUSE HE DID NOTHING WRONG! (Doth protest too much, comes to mind...wonder why!?!) Plus, I was encouraged early on that my focus should always be on Christ.

So I'm going to take you back to the beginning of the last words I've ever wanted to hear. "Get inside, get inside."-Josh. "What happened, where's Todd?" -Rachel "He's at Grady..."-Josh "Where's Russell?"-Sam "It's not good, It's not good."-Josh "Shut up, where is he?'-Sam "He is gone, sweetie. He didn't make."-Josh
"Shut the fuck up, Fuck you, where is HE!?!" (excuse the language, I'm honest.)

From this point on, I saw everything through a tunnel. I cried hard, punched the ground, cursed, screamed, covered myself in my clothes, stomped my foot repeatedly so hard I fractured my foot, punched the driveway, pulled on my flesh wanting to tear myself apart, rocked back and forth and felt my aching bones want to push out of my skin....and this was in the first 30 minutes. Then I would have moments of clarity, "What do you want us to do, Sam? Who do you want us to call?"-Josh. "Put on a pot of coffee, call my dad, then my aunt she will get here first, my mom is in Louisiana, call her last. Give me a cigarette."-Sam

Then the wave of shock came again, and this one was worse. I screamed at the top of my lungs and punched the sky, "Another ONE, Really!?! ONE MORE! What else, who else!?! Why did you take him from me!" They, Josh and Rachel, stood quietly behind me as they witnessed my anger towards God's will; yet they didn't hear His answer. "I didn't do this to you, baby." It was as loud as the freight train that just ran me over. Then He wrapped Himself around me and reassured me again, that He only creates. So, then my attention was drawn to the ere feeling of darkness on the outside of the Holy. I knew that something wanted to take us down, crush families, and tear apart marriages; something wanted to smut out my light and break my spirit. I willed it away, in the name of Jesus Christ. Then prayed aloud over everyone involved, wrapping God's hands over everyone, bring forth healing and comfort for EVERYONE. I was determined to focus only on the Holy Spirit and His heavenly affect on Russell and myself. I opened myself up to God, and HONESTLY from this point on, HE took over my every action.

My family got the Price house, cried, and held me. Everyone was in and out of the house, while I cried myself in various positions. Then my dad came in with a serious face, and asked the question, "Sam, what is Russell's dentist's name." I snapped back into reality and realized a new horror, "If YOU NEED DENTAL RECORDS that means THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF HIM!" This was the straw for the night, and I went into full blown shock. I hardly remember talking to Officer Dukes, hardly remember getting in the car, and I barely remember walking up my Granny's steps to her house. It was 2:00 in the morning January 2 and my arms were numb, I couldn't feel my feet, and my heart felt as though it was going to come out of chest. I thought I was going to die and leave my children parent less. My stepmother Kim told me I was going through shock.

I thought of myself, but then I thought of Todd Willoughby and Kim Willoughby. I thought of the horror he had to witness and his own pain. All I knew was that there was a wreck, Todd was at Grady, there was nothing left of Russell. My imagination ran away with me and this is when I pleaded with my father.
"He can't live with himself Daddy, he's got Russell's blood on his hands, he's got kids Daddy, kids. They can't charge him, he's got kids. Call the police, it was just an accident. I forgive him, it was just an accident." I wouldn't find out until January 5th why my father looked at me so oddly, yet he said "Ok, baby. it's gonna be ok." I cried myself to sleep and woke up crying.

January 2nd, my mom got to me and I went to that place that you go with only your mother. (The "I'm still a baby and totally broken place.") She gave me strength and said the best thing, "God didn't take him from you, honey. He just took him." Yeah! Don't take it personal. Show everyone who Russell was, a lover, father, musician, and a LOVER of God. So with the help of the Holy Spirit, I wanted to give Russell the best "going away party" EVER. He always said he wanted a party when he died and that's where my focus stayed. I don't know why, I guess because I was grieving and could hardly walk to the bathroom by myself, I never really asked about anything. My husband was dead and my children lost their Daddy, nothing else mattered. January 2nd I told my children Daddy was in Jesus' rock band. (I can't go there, right now.)

Then we pieced together Russell's funeral in between me passing out because I had cried so much. The music came first, as always, in Russell fashion. I took a nap, woke up grab the first person I saw and said "Call Brandon and Corey. Russell wants them to speak." then I went back to sleep. I cried myself to sleep yet again, awoke at 4am, asked for a pen and paper, and wrote the eulogy. The next morning my cousin, more like sister, Estelle got to Granny's. We had to go to the funeral home to sign papers and arrange the "wake". (I am so glad I had her with me through this, she is my YAYA sister!)

Estelle helped me shower and wash my hair, (THAT'S HOW OUT OF IT I WAS!) I was in my Granny's bedroom, Estelle went to get my clothes, and I drying my hair. I turned my head and saw the corner of a newspaper under the tv. I saw the words "DRIVER KILLED." and I thought "Not him too!" Thinking Todd had died at Grady. I moved one step closer and saw "RUSSELL HAYS" after the word Driver. I lost it and screamed at the top of my lungs, "Why are they saying he was driving!?! WHY!?!" Everyone ran in. My Uncle Yuppie held me down and Estelle held my face, "Shh, it's ok Sam, it's ok." (My Granny grabbed the paper and took it away. I was unable to read anymore) Then my Aunt Alli, looked at me in the face and said "Samarah, I have to tell you something and it's going to be hard. Both the men were ejected from the car, so they couldn't determine who was driving the car." and then my naive ass said, "Well, Todd can tell them. Is he ok to tell them?" They all looked at each other and then at me, "No baby, he is not able to say anything right now." Little did I know that they knew more than I did. God bless them for not saying anything, I don't think I could have taken anything more.


Went to get Russell's bible and guitar. Saw Josh, but didn't talk to him. Later that night, I endured the hardest 3 hours of my life at his wake. Tear after tear, hug after hug, I only wanted to hug Russell. I was medicated and out of it, but I had a weird feeling when the Price couple stood before me. Rachel got on her knees and hugged me. I noticed Josh stood 5 steps back. I whispered "He wasn't driving the car...." and she said, "Oh I didn't know, you didn't know." What!?! I let go confused, she was so cold and the words ran off her tongue so easily. I look up waiting for Josh to come over and hug me, but he just stood there as if in a cold daze, watching his moves. So I stood up and walk to him. WEIRD! I decided to not think about them or the confusing words on the newspaper. God just reassured me, "Patience, do Russell good, show them Jesus. Lock and Load. Look at me." So I did. We invited everyone back to Granny's after the wake. Guess who was a no show....

The next day, was SUNDAY! I awoke crying, got in the shower, put on my midnight blue dress and turned on the Falcons Game. Determined to start the day off RIGHT! They lost, but whatever. I went to my husband's funeral and left everything at my Savior's feet. It was the most beautiful funeral I had ever been too. In my mind, it was all about Christ and Russell's love for him. I never felt a cloud of confusion of the words on the newspaper. I knew the truth and a peace came over me, able to focus only on Russell's beautiful LIFE, not his DEATH. Cause that's what God wants us to focus on, HIS LIFE and that Russell's will continue on EVERLASTING. (Not like the other entity who wants us to focus on death and it's falsehood of it being the end.) I walked out of there asking anyone, if we video taped it because it was such a moving and beautiful moment in my life. Thank God my children slept through the whole thing, precious angels. God knows our needs, more than you understand.

Again, we invited the Price family to join the after funeral gathering, once again, no show. I wondered, why, but then again understood school was the next day and they had Jay. Yet still, weird and distance. But now I'm glad they didn't come, cause it just makes the truth even more pure. I never talked about the words on the paper. I never spoke of the few things I knew, Russ is dead, in an accident somewhere, they need dental records, they were both ejected, and Todd can't talk. I just wanted to enjoy my family and friends through this horrible time.

It wasn't until the next morning that everything became SO clear. It was January 5, 2009, I awoke and Rachel called, for the first time mind you after the accident. She asked me how I was doing and I said ok. She said sorry she wasn't able to come to the after gathering, she and Josh had to pick up Jay from Alan and Kaycee who were babysitting him during the ceremony. (An email from Kaycee telling me how beautiful the service was for Russell a week later, told me Rachel was lying. EVEN about something so small. Mandy later informed me, that the Price family went to see Todd after the funeral, so maybe she didn't want to tell me.Why would I have a problem with that? When only 2 days earlier I was asking for mercy over this man?) We didn't speak long. I was still weak, and John and Laura were coming to say goodbye before leaving for Indiana. That visit went well and they were off.

My dad, step-mom, granny, Uncle Yup, and mother came over to Granny's that morning. I was having breakfast and talking over...what do I do now. Then my Aunt Alli and Uncle Jo came through the front door. They both looked like they were on a mission;  put laptops, papers, and cell phones on the table. Alli looked at me and said "Where do Todd and Kim live?" Then I answered her as best I could, "Um, you go past the Kroger and turn left, then their neighborhood is on the left." "Where on the left? What road?" she persisted. "Ok, get me a map. You go past the Kroger, and turn left...wait this isn't the road because it doesn't curve past the neighborhood. Wait you go past Ingles, and then take a left. Yeah, that's their neighborhood, because there is the curve and the light shines past that curve. Yeah, there's a park or something past the curve. Cause there's a light over there."

Everyone was quiet. "What light, Samarah?" she pushed. "The light, it's a tennis court or a park or something. If you sit at the entrance, to the left there is a light, and to the right you can see the stop sign." Still pushing she said, "No honey, there is no park right there, no tennis courts...What are you talking about?" Confused, I looked for another option, maybe I was looking at the wrong road. "Well, maybe I'm on the wrong road, cause when I left and sat at the entrance, I looked to the left and remember a light in the sky, and I said to myself, "It's light over there, is that a park, or a tennis court? Is it a car, no. It must be a tennis court." and then Rachel told me, "oh you have to turn right, girl." So I did and we went home."

"No, Samarah you're not on the wrong road. That wasn't a park. What are you talking about? You need to come with me now and we need to write down EVERYTHING that happened, EVERYTHING!" -Alli. Confused and felt I had done something wrong I went to the porch and told her and my mother EVERYTHING that happened that night. Times, remarks, and everything. Some things I will not share, just because it's not important and two the whole court BS.

Basically, that we and the Price's brought both cars to the Willoughby house around 1:00pm. Todd had already been driving his POS around, excuse me. I had determine early on I was the DD for Rachel and Jay. Josh for Russell. Yadda Yadda Yadda, later on that night (disclosing times for trial reasons.) Todd ask Russell, in front of everyone, including ME, to take the car for a spin. "Com'on Com'on real quick, just a short spin." Russell said NOTHING, I know this because I was standing across from him. Kim, Josh, and I all pretty much said the same thing, " NO, it's too late. Make a day out of it tomorrow." I then went over to Russell and said, "Do not get in that car with that man, let's go back to Josh's and chill." and he said back " I know baby, I don't care about that car. I'm ready to chill."
We hung out a for a bit more, packed up our stuff to leave, we all walked out of the house together. Todd first, then Josh and Jay, Rachel, Russ and then me. Kim stood at the stoop. Josh and Russ stood in the middle of the yard. Rachel was talking with Jay on the walk. Todd was already by his POS, it was parked behind Rachel's car in the driveway. His car needed to be moved so I could get Rachel's out. I quickly said goodbye to Kim and went to Rachel's car. I opened the door, started it, checked the mirrors (saw Russ still standing in the grass.) and then stepped out to see if Todd was ready OR if he was going to bullshit some more. Everyone was still in the same positions, Josh, Rachel, Jay in the yard with Russell beside them, Kim on the stoop, and Todd at the driver's door.
Then Todd waved Russell over with his head, as if to say, "Com'on.". EVERYONE saw Todd get in the driver's seat and Russell in the passenger. (Thinking that Todd would only move the car, because WE ALL CLEARLY SAID "Don't take the car out." I thought he would respect at least his wife's wishes...) Todd, Russ, and I all entered the car at the same time. Todd backed out of the driveway and went to the cul-de-sac; as soon as he was out of the driveway I was backing out with the back of the car facing the cul-de-sac. I could see the tail lights in the side mirrors. I backed up close to the curb and moved up  so Todd could get the car in between me and the trailer parked to the left. Josh opened the door, and pushed the passenger seat forward to let Jay in the back, Jay got in. I could hear the POS and seeing the side mirrors the headlights reflect around the cul-de-sac. Rachel got in the car. I heard the engine roar and pump itself up to a "high rate of speed" (that's for you Mr. Pines.) Then the car flew past us and driveway, I lost the air in my lungs...why did he go past the driveway? "They went past the driveway." Josh leaned into the car and said something to Jay, Rachel was rambling, I saw break lights near the 1st stop sign. I looked back at Jay to see if he needed help with his seat belt. I heard the car leave the stop sign, so did Josh, I saw his head pop up and look in the direction of the stop sign. I looked at the stop sign, no car. Josh shut the door.
I put down the emergency break, checked my seat belt, put the car in drive and moved ahead to the 1st stop sign. I got there and look right then left, hoping to see tail lights in the neighborhood. "Where are they?" My question fell on drunk ears. Pulled up to the 2nd stop sign (the entrance of the neighborhood) again looked right and then left. I could see farther to the right, all the way to the stop sign on Rockbridge Rd. No tail lights, no tail lights. No head lights, no head lights. I then focused back on the stop sign to the right, any sign of a car...ANYTHING!?! Nothing. To the left, any tail lights, any head lights...Nothing. "WHERE ARE THEY!?" I stared at the curve, wondering where could they be? I should see them...at least to the right. Then back to the left again. "It's light over there? Why is it light? Is that a park, maybe the headlights, no it's not moving...it must be a park or tennis courts." then she interrupted my thought, "you have to turn right, girl."
So I did, I stepped in to her house and looked at the clock instantly....it was between 9:05-9:10pm.
My aunt took my statement, sealed it, and took it to Officer Dukes. (Then 2 weeks later I told him the exact SAME thing, truth doesn't change.) But first she and my mother shared with me the chilling news that Todd was awake and saying Russell was driving. "Why?" "He is saying they switched." "Where did they switch?" Do you hear that people I was willing to accept the worst. "We don't think he did, sweetie." "Why not? I don't understand?" "Cause that light you saw, the glow, wasn't a park, it wasn't a tennis court, it was the accident!"  "What? Where did the accident happen? What time did it happen? What happened?" "The accident was heard at 8:55 and police call at 8:56. The car...exploded, Sam, the flames were as high as the telephone polls."  (yeah, I didn't know ANY of this before giving my statement! Just call me clueless and naive to the evils of men.)

Then they shared the facts and left out all the gossip at the funeral that Josh and Rachel spread. (Fools) And At this point I'm going to share the FACTS with you and you can come to you own conclusion...like most intelligent people do.
*the accident happened .06 from the Willoughby home in Lilburn on Harmony Grove Road.
*A woman heard a loud noise at 8:55pm and 911 was called at 8:56pm.
*It takes 10 minutes to drive from the Willoughby's neighborhood to the Price address.
*A domino's delivery boy, the Turner's (2), the family (3-4) who live in the house where the accident happened, and a doctor from the neighborhood (1) were all on the scene as soon as it happened.
*they put out the fire on Todd, sat him down, and let him know 911 was on it's way.
*they sat him down 2 different times before HE RAN AWAY!
*He left the scene for 52 minutes. Returned to the scene with a friend.
*"Someone" ,who rename nameless, told my mother and police they heard the car go to the left out of the neighborhood towards Hwy 29, they heard the car go through the gears and then the noise stopped. nothing. The next thing they heard were firetrucks. (only heard the car once.)
*Witnesses say the flames from the explosion were as high as the telephone polls.
*Both men were ejected, the car landed on top of Russell, pinning him under the front tire.
*He did not die on impact.
*The skyline over the two pines trees, row of houses, and around the curve is PITCH BLACK DARK, (I went back one month after the accident, with the same moon, same time, and with no leaves on the trees. And the creamy goldish glow with the other ring of blue was NOT in the sky.) Unlike the huge bright sky I saw over the two pine trees and the row of houses on January 1 2009.
*There is a straight line from the accident sight to the entrance of the Willoughby's neighbor, google earth it; with every fiber of my being I saw a bright glowing light in the sky that night, and I know now it was the accident.

Now here are the lies that were spread by Josh and Rachel Price AT MY HUSBAND'S FUNERAL heard by countless friends and family:
*That they switched in somewhere (countless locations were given by these two.) after turning right out of the neighborhood.
*That Russell was PINNED in the driver's seat and Todd had to punch him in the face to wake him up, that's when the car blew up.
*Todd had to run for help "knocking on doors" because there was no one there to help.
(Where did they hear this from, Todd? Kim? and if not them why would they make up such false statements?) AND mostly WHY in the ever loving hell would you EVER go to someone's funeral and speak ill of the dead. FYI your friend you have known for 7 years, just died....UM how about mourn, be sad, think of the good times. What are you trying to prove. DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH.

And this is NOTHING compared to the 3 depositions by Kim, Josh, and Rachel that YET again tell different stories from their original one AND different compared to each other!!! (All I have to say to Kim Willoughby is *Note: with my hands in a completely sarcastic prayer position * real wives keep their husbands accountable and don't lie for them. It's called love, REAL HARD CORE LOVE, tell the truth and still stand by him...see if you can do that. I felt bad for you, until you lied about my husband. Just sayin'.)

So there it is, if you have any questions feel free to ask. I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. And Please understand my goal is not only to get all of this yucky-ness out of me, to inform those of you who read the false papers or heard the false statements by fools, but also think about this:
*If you DON'T stand up for something, YOU STAND FOR NOTHING! You don't stand for truth you are a liar, cause you are lying to yourself. Hopefully, someone will read this AND ask the hard questions to those who they surround themselves with. Hopefully, someone will start connecting the true dots and do to the DA with the doubts about Todd Willoughby's story. Hopefully a coward will stand up be a man and admit to his wrong doings and not waste ANOTHER 5-8years of my life. (Does everyone understand how long this legal process takes? Yup, estimate of 5-8 YEARS!!! With the compassion I had for him and good behavior on Todd's part, he could have already done his time, because I was willing to ask for the least amount of punishment! CAUSE IT WAS A STUPID ACCIDENT.) Hopefully this can all take place before the Willoughby's "start their new chapter of their life in California"; let's save them some air fare and "clean up these affairs before leaving," Did you hear that, Todd Willoughby calls this horrible tragic life ending event, an "affair". (Btw, someone might want to tell him to change the privacy setting on his facebook. Fool. "best dad EVER" my left shoe! Awesome values your teaching your children!Yeah, takes a GREAT dad to kill one!)

ALL because of a LIE, upon LIES, upon LIES this is dragged out well past it's due date. AND I'm so tired and spent. So yeah, this is not a case of me being mad because of a car accident, it goes SO much deeper. People have WRONGED me and they have NEVER admitted to it, NEVER wanted to get ALL the facts, and NEVER been sorrowful. They seriously want the wool over their eyes. And I just feel that is a coward way to heal, cause you just covering a wound and it gets infected when there is no light. I wanted the truth, no matter what, I wanted to heal, not matter what...so I will STAND firmly in the TRUTH, NO MATTER WHAT!


willow's song

Oh my sweet
found me
one very fine day.

For told
a story
by a Cline;
Pasty, be her name.

She sang
something sweet
with moan.

It was a howl,
that she'd go'on
in the midnight 'our.

And I'd be
to the heavens,
comfirmin' my plan;

that never
I'd go a'walkin'
with only the memory
of your hand.

sweet dreams
hold true
and every night

I'ma out
for you.


Just Saying

It builds....builds....and builds,
and I want to knock it down, crush it.
Faulted and just plain wrong,
it is the friend I can't get rid of, for right now.
My feelings are anger and rage.
Excuse my honesty, my freedom with a splash of tart.

I wanna to cause a finder binder, jump out the car guns blazing, blaming the other person.
I wanna trip some random person in Publix
I wanna punch people who stand RIGHT behind me while checking out at target;
maybe even push all their items off the belt.
I wanna spit in the face of people who whine,
one because they do, two because I spit well and don't have
many chances to show off my talent.
I wanna get a bar fight ending with burning a cigarette
on a forehead. (Just cause I saw it in a movie.)
I wanna throw rocks through windows,
lots of windows
I wanna argue about politics
even if I agree with other person.
I really wanna
what's one my mind
and throw a couple people for a loop
I really wanna
to a lot of people

I wanna comment
"no body cares" and mean it
I wanna give the spanking their parents never did.
I wanna reply "Horrible" and walk away
when someone asks me how I am.
I don't wanna use spell check.
I wanna laugh all over again at the boy who
fell from the ceiling, wanting to crowd surf,
at the NOFX show 13 years ago
but I encouraged everyone to
back up, open the circle
and BAM, punk kid.

I don't want to
smile in pictures...
I really am crying...

I wanna
cry wolf
get drunk
trip one last time
get lost all over again
not care
not feel guilt
and not look back.

But I won't.

I'm Samarah
I'm a sinner
I am not my anger
I am not my behavior
I am a new creation
and a vessal for
blessing to
flow. AND I WILL.


Yes Man

It's nothing new, I'm still in the grieving process. I think I've done a pretty good job of kicking grief in the butt. It walks so close to the line of depression, it's scary. At times I feel it's a tool to break your spirit, and having that mind set helps me to ask for coverage of the Holy Spirit. Just a tip, if you're ever wondering. I have one last thing to do. Write the un-mailed letter, the anger letter to those who have hurt you. I feel a little strange about that, but I'll do it. I just know they are waiting at their mail box with anticipation....LOL. But before then, I want to focus more on the blessing.

Grief and the healing process are very unpredictable. You never know if today is the day when all rage breaks loose and your mind goes AWOL. OR if today is the day of sweet healing honey flowing from One Holy Spirit that forces you to let go and let heal. Either way, I know glory will shine through this destruction and make a new creation. Over the last year and a half, I have been broken to my core, but I have also been lifted up in ways I cannot take the credit. I was so touched by all the emails and comments on facebook. It felt good to know that those who loved Russell still wanted to know what really happened. I forgot how quiet I had gotten. Pretty funny for a girl like me. Anyway, it was made more apparent to me that this needed to happen. I need to share the pain and glory with everyone. It's not only what we, (Ike, Lilli, and me deserve.) but it's what you all deserve as well. I only know of a few people who want wool over their eyes....and yeah they just look foolish. Moving forward.

Starting from day one I prayed daily for specific things, other than the typical heal me, comfort me, etc. I was thrown into a battle, just as my husband was thrown from the car. Yet, I had a little more time to block the car before it landed on me and burst into flames. I had time to pray and plan. One month after Russell died, my father finally told me Russell did not die on impact. (Yeah, not a fun mental picture. Breath, if I can do, it you can.) Even more enraged, I went to Pastor Jeff; I needed prayer in a bigger way. I needed specific prayer. We can't pray for healing if we don't really know the specifics. All anyone knew was that Russ was driving the car, so I felt most people really couldn't cover ALL the bases. I mean really there was a HUGE chunk of information people were missing; HELL, I was unaware of the misleading information, much less any information, for 5 days after my husband died. (All I knew for 5 days, was that they needed dental records, the papers got it wrong, both men were ejected, and Todd was in the hospital. I pictured him so burned he couldn't speak, because he would set the papers straight, right!?! I'm SO naive or nice!?!) Yeah, anyway...

After informing Jeff of the truth, I first asked that we pray for the children in this matter. Pray for the driver of the car, Todd Willoughby, and his choices he made after the accident...LOOK at him GO! Pray for his wife, Kim, and how she will handle this accident. Pray over their marriage and their family. Pray for Josh and Rachel Price, they were confused, mislead, and involving their family where it should not be involved. Pray for every family mourning this loss. Plus, I guess the devil was trying to attack me that day as well, because I was getting harassing text messages from Rachel AND her mother...at one point her mother pulled the WWJD...ON ME! I simply wrote John 8:32. So we added her mother in on the prayer list. (Note: these were all the prayers lifted up BEFORE I read ALL the depositions from the civil lawsuit, yeah...WOW. Yeah, we had to dig A LOT deeper after that!)

Then, I let him know,"You can pray for me and my comfort, but I have very specific things that need to happen. Things that I know are in God's will; we've talked this over and He wants this for me. I just need some backup. Pray I find a house, within my budget, close to family, and help us make it a home for the new us. Pray the civil lawsuit would end sooner than the 2 year estimated time my lawyer first gave. Pray that after the lawsuit is over in my favor, I will pay off the house. Pray that I would be able to buy a reliable car, I love my Jeep but it's time. And pray I will be able to start school in the fall of 2010, so that I can support my two children myself."

I have been dragging my feet about sharing this, not wanting to seem boastful. Then I remembered "It's NOT me, who did this. I am only a vessel. It's GOD and He answers. Sharing the pain and the blessing is what He asks from us. Give Him the Glory, don't rob Him of it. I am so happy to share that...

~YES, I bought a house and it is becoming a SWEET Precious Home! The kids and I just spoke this morning that we have been in the house for over a year now. Wahoo, Go God!
~YES, the civil lawsuit ended before Thanksgiving of 2009! After Todd Willoughby was arrested and charged for the crime, ANOTHER lawyer came in from his insurance and kinda set it straight. Telling us he felt Todd didn't have a case (REALLY!?!) and that he should settle with me out of court, 90/10 split. We agreed, DUH. And so did the Willoughby's, admission of guilt if you ask me. Just sayin. I didn't want to "settle" but it was a HUGE load off my broken heart. I did not want to reopen the wounds during a long civil trial. I was healing. I am glad I filed the lawsuit and took action into my own hands; Can't wait on the government. I spoke the truth and those who speak the truth DON'T settle for 10%. Just sayin.
~SO YES, I paid off my house. Not something I want to boast about, but shoot....I'm a widow and we've been burned, literally.
~YES, what's next, a new to me car paid in full. Check.
~YES, I am going to school. Check.
~YES, God answers prayers according to HIS will. 1 John 5:14.

Like I said, I held off on sharing the blessing, because of what it may appear to look like. But the truth is the truth and my prayers, specific prayers, have been answered. I'm not really sure about the answers to other prayers, but from what I read, hear, and see...they are still lying, still fake, and on the run again. SHOCKER. But as for us, our lives are moving forward, not "moving on" or "getting over it", moving forward. We are doing it in the most honest and positive way possible.These are all HUGE answers to prayer, my sweet prayer warriors. Keep praying, God is a YES Man!



...FOR YOU! and the release of my blog.

Really, I long for everything. Mourning sucks, everything changes, and mostly it changes how you view other people. (AND that in itself is SO disappointing. Your view of any human goes down SO FAR, especially when you have been betrayed in such a way, as I have by 4 human beings. It's sad. I feel bad for their parents and pray for their children.) Anyway. So, I miss everything. I miss thinking people ARE HONEST. I MISS my sweet husband. I'm sad, but I'm also REALLY happy (mostly happy I'm not depressed...;)) But then sad again, that I can't call him to relay the great happy day I'm having. Like I told my mom tonight, it's not that I'm not living....it's that I AM. LIVING without.

But that is LIFE. LIVE AND LOSS.

Then, just so happened, I came back to my blog. I've been meaning to post and update, but SO much has happened I don't know where to start. It's almost like when you're in the middle of the tornado, you can't explain it until months later. Well, let's just say the SHOCK has really faded from this nightmare, and at this point I'm just really irritated with FOOLish behavior of other's that continue to interrupt MY LIFE. So, I'm reading my first post and I can totally relate. I know. I wrote the words (yuk) a year ago! But really, I'm living and the grief is still HERE.

You know when you are sick, let's say with the flu....for like a week, and when you start to feel just a little bit better, even brushing your teeth is the most amazing thing ever! Well, it's like that on a even smaller scale, yet I'm tired of making the effort. AND don't get confused, I'm not thankful for every SINGLE thing because it's another day out of jail...like someone else I once met. It's more like, "Okay things could be ALOT worse, let's enjoy the benefit of floss today, because I'm running out of options!!!" That's where I am. I am a professional at distracting myself....something shiney! Where was I!?!

Now, I've distracted myself long enough and cried a million times, I'm done being "quiet". My anger hasn't even touched the surface of my lips, and I'm letting go of my tongue. Let the venting really start. What do I have to lose? (Already lost a husband.) It's not gonna hurt MY case...I already WON! And it's not like I'm banking on the judicial system for any juctice. Just think of this as my day in court, really addressing those who have hurt my children, our families, me, and just being called a human being in general.

So I'm back, but this time.....now that I've WON a HUGE battle.....I'm back with a little more spice. It only helps to taste the REAL fruit; it's called honesty. In the next few post, I'll be sharing the real hard core TRUTH of my life for the past 20 months. No folks, I'm not RUNNING from ANYTHING or ANYONE. I'm not going to VOMIT someone else's story, because I can't think for myself well enough to connect the dots. AND I'm surely not going to LIE on my husband behalf, like someone I once met, just to keep my pretty little package "neat and sweet".

I am going to relay the stages of my LOSS. Sadness, AnGeR, depression, acceptance, and the other one...I can't remember it. Oh yeah, denial, good thing I'm HORRIBLE at LYING, so I could never do that to myself much less others. I'm doing this out of respect for myself, my children, and our families.



"Now's the time to make a dedication
to the life He's calling you and me to live
I've seen the God of Jacob
do mighty works in this heart of mine
Now it's your time to just give, just give in." -Russell Hays

This is a dedication to my late husband, Russell Hays. A loving, bright, deep and passionate man who died to his flesh on January 1st 2009, but lives in spirit there on. A bold young boy with a heart of gold. He loved sports, books, learning, music, and God. He pushed himself mentally, emotionally, and physically up until his death. He loved his friends and family. He loved his children so much and did everything in his power to do anything for them. And he loved me, little ole me. Oh, how he loved me.

Russell loved God first and loathed his flesh second. He saw where his spirit could be and where his flesh tripped him from getting there. Such a challenge for most and for a passionate spirit like Russell it was so irritating. The one thing that God has shown me is that Russell is not suffering anymore. That phrase is used a lot when someone is suffering through an illness, like cancer for my Aunt Miia, and it makes sense. In Russell's tragic death, of course, I didn't see it for a while. It's so clear to me now. Like I've shared in post past, I see Russell now as the spirit his flesh never allowed him to be on earth. He is beautiful, fresh as a baby, and heavenly sounds surround him.

Memories of all the sweet-wonderful words, actions, and songs fill my daily life. As do all the coulda's, shoulda's, woulda's. All of the conversations we needed to have, all the goals not met, the 10 fights we had throughout our relationship. With these memories I carry out an un-finished conversation with my late beloved, looking for resolution. Then I hear a new voice, one of peace, it's him. Through prayer and meditation I've been able to tell him how sorry I am for any failures as his wife. Some will not understand, but through his spirit, Russell has told me the same as my husband. The one thing I hear him repeat is "You will live for me."

So through me I will live as Russell always wanted, free, loving, and peaceful. Free from mind numbing worries, open to loving without fear, and for not feeling guilty for taking peaceful retreats. I will continue to live in the TRUTH. I'm just giving in.

To Russell: My dear sweet music man, thank you. For standing up for Christ. For putting Him first in our relationship. For loving me with everything you had. For showing me that true love is real and it can last beyond the grave. For telling me daily of your love and that I was the sweetest, most wonderful wife ever. For telling me you were crazy about me within the first 5 days we knew each other. For telling me that I have beautiful eyebrows. For hugging me in those first days and telling me "this feels like home.". For wanting to spend the rest of your life with me. For telling me you wanted to make babies with me, and we made the most beautiful babies ever. For writing the most beautiful songs for me to dance to, sing to, live by, and love. For being humble. For looking into my eyes, hugging me, kissing me, and loving me everyday like it would be the last time. I'll never forget the last time. Thank you for sharing almost 10 years with me. I love you SugarBearHoneyPie and miss you dearly.