Happy New Year

Happy New Year EVERYONE! Spend 2012 in peace, love, and ever-lasting blessings!!! Love the Hays Family!

High Arches

My feet are narrow. They are not very strong. Loving to dance, I always disliked my feet. Just one of those funny things that you dislike about yourself, but no one else seems to care or notice. But for me, personally I always wanted a different pair.

To catch up on what's been going on and where I'm going with this entry...just stay with me.

Our fall was very busy, as well as the Christmas season. We are all in school and doing well. Ike is so bright and creative. Although, he struggles with staying on task. With time and practice, I know this will get better...so I continue to encourage his many positive qualities! Thankfully his teacher is so understanding and patient (I think it might have something to do with the fact that she went to the same college as Russell!) Overall he really has grown up this year with the influence of his teachers, coaches, and his friend/mentor, Skip. Ike is happier; it is such a wonderful feeling to know and see your child is healing.

Lilli is also doing well in school. She does not struggle with the same issues, of course...but I will say in what she does struggle with, she does equally as hard. Lilli is a wonderful student; loving to read, write, and draw. She is a smart child, has strong opinions, and is very expressive. All fine and dandy, I want my daughter to grow into a strong woman of faith and character, but Lilli falls into being the "baby of the family" and Momma's little girl. That's being nice; she is becoming too sassy! Common for a little girl of her age, but not acceptable! Although, I know that this is another battle with children testing their boundaries; I'm just glad I'm stronger now to tackle this "issue" and Lilli has a beautiful and compassionate heart. So I know she will improve.

This also was our first season back in football and first season for cheer leading. I'm not going to lie, it was hard. I longed for my children to have their Daddy on the field with them during games. It's hard to watch them play so well, work so hard, show strong character, and want to tell them "Your Daddy is so proud of you!" without tears in your eyes! Staying positive always helps with that pesky lump in my throat; so I found myself helping out on the field keeping track of plays for the team! It was fun and I really liked the time with Ike Lionheart Hays!! ;)

When the three night a week practice and game on Saturday season was over, I was thankful we would have November to recharge before the "holiday" season. Because if there is one thing I am learning, being a single-widowed mother of two is hard work, YO! And I have to allow myself  "down time" no matter how guilty I feel! But our November...was a NO-vember! It flew by! There were plenty of wonderful things to chat about, but honestly I was trying to rest and focus on preparing myself for December. There are a lot of memories made during the holiday season, and I pray up for strength to make it through. Plus, knowing that there would be no movement well into 2012 in the criminal case against the driver, Todd Willoughby...wasn't the easiest thing to swallow. I push on. So when I was cleaning out my shed for Christmas decorations and the upcoming winter, it became very clear to me that I lost my mind for the last 3 years. As I opened plastic tub after plastic tub I couldn't remember what was in them and even worse when I packed them! Grief robbed me, again! Evil vampire, sucking the life out of the living! Our past loved ones really don't want this for us, so move forward.

So I did, and walked into a holiday season with not much sadness in my heart. Memories were there, of course, but after speaking with Tina she confirmed I am doing the healthy thing. Remember the good, hold it dear, put it behind you, and focus on the future with wisdom from the past. So here I am gung-ho-ho-ho for the holiday season wanting to hold on to every gingerbread moment, and darn-it! It didn't feel like Christmas this year!?! Anybody feel me!?! Don't get me wrong gathering with friends and family is always good, but for some reason I didn't have that "Crosby White Christmas" warm and fuzzy feeling all over.

I don't know what the reason was, but I can guess that it was a combination of plenty of emotions and feelings I wasn't able to properly express because I wasn't writing on a the regular. This writing stuff really helps, but sometimes it's hard to share....what if I offend someone!?! And then I think, "well if they play by your standards of offensive behavior...you'd have to accidentally end their life, run away, and then lie about the whole darn thing. So I think you're all good." But honestly and just to be clear with everyone, I don't play by "my standards" that would be self-righteous...it's really His standard and still I think I'm ok.

Maybe it's just me, but after loss the lights aren't dim, they are brighter; Truth is always brighter. And love is not just a sappy romantic comedy feeling that just so happens to reappear forever, it's a choice. And family unity is not a tree that is easily pruned, it takes an entire family to restore the health back to the tree. And if for any reason you think it's hard for you, you've never prayed, held, and consoled a grieving child who is losing memories of her Daddy. All these things lead to evolving into better and healthier people, no matter how hard they feel in the moment of impact.

It's hard work to be a healthy human being; one without bitterness, hate, lust, greed, self-righteousness, self pity, and selfishness. Mentally, emotionally, and physically you become tired. Growing pains set in like the ones of your youth, but you are older and the pain is in your heart and not your legs. My frustration grows when I witness people throwing in the towel, before they are even tested. Before they honestly tasted the blood of defeat, and still choose to swallow it and dig deep for water. Choose a path best for themselves, instead of what is best for the flock. I look at their steps; how their posture is anchored at their feet....proud chest out rocking on the ball and big toe, maybe unsure of their direction hunched over resting on the outside and "littlest piggie", or ready to give in with weight in the heels and toes up. I wonder, what have they been doing for the last four months? No really. What have they been doing? (this isn't my judgemental voice, this is one of curiosity.)

So of course, I look at my own path before my curiosity turns to judgement...:) I see MY times of weakness, I see MY times of wanting to throw in the towel, and I see when I was HELD UP and CARRIED. I see that even though I am emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically worn slap out, I'm glad I was pushed, I'm thankful I became wise to my threshold, I'm thankful I said "no" to anything that did not benefit my family, I'm glad I said "yes" to my heart, and above all else I'm thankful He made me focus on my own path instead the one of someone else. Another lesson in humility...God = a billion...Sam = 0.

I pray for my steps, that I allow Him to guide each of them, that I guard against pit falls and holes that tempt me to give up, and that I open my stance, toes wide, and heel dug dip...the rest of my body will adjust, follow, and become stronger. The lamp onto my feet is revealing more and more, even though my path at times can be narrow and rocky...these size 10s are for running up mountains.

Sight

She misses her Daddy. She likes to draw. She was drawing at the kitchen table and her brother was eating a snack. I was cooking. She asked your name, your last name, and I told her.

"You can write to him and tell him how you feel any time you want." I said.

"Oh, I will. But I wouldn't say anything mean. I would just tell him, it was just an accident." she said.

He was quite, but he shook his head, "yes". Tears filled my eyes. Not because of their pain, but because of their understanding. They are strong.

I will not be sitting in the row behind you tomorrow, because I have better things to do and it's just ANOTHER calendar call. And even though they are never in your sight in the court room, they see through you.

From their tears, make mud, and see.

Todd

The anger balls up inside me when I see your face, not because of your actions, but because I've forgiven them and you run away like before. I've never wanted you to suffer, not by the hands of men, not in your own head, and especially not in your heart. My heart aches for the pain you and your family have had to go through because of your actions and lies. I pray day and night for your children.

I remember telling Tina early on, like two months into this nightmare, "...they're never gonna heal, never. They'll never heal if they don't tell the truth. Their marriage will suffer, their children will suffer, and the beautiful life that God wants for everyone will be lost." She then asked me, "What would you do if you saw him, let's say 2 football fields away? What would be your first thought?" And as quickly as she asked, I said "That could be my son in 20 years. What would I do as a mother?" Which then I burst into tears...and her reply, "You didn't break them and you can't fix them. You need to heal yourself first, then you worry about them...much later." But now is the time to worry about you.

Today was a very hard day for me, not just because of Calendar Call, not just because you were driving the car that killed my husband, not because your wife was there to support you and my husband is dead, BUT also my sister died nine years ago on this very day, May 4, 2002. I sat next to my Daddy, and had to watch him suffer again. He, again, has to watch his other little girl suffer in terrible pain that he cannot fix. You have two little girls, could you imagine? I don't think you can, so I cry for them and you.

I called my mother afterwards, because she had to work, and on a day that is already so hard, she again had to dish out advice that she can hardly carry out herself. "Write to him, Samarah. Tell him who you are. They don't know who you are. They know your anger, they know your bitterness, but they do not hear your compassion. Because he was not there hours after the wreck when you wanted to hold him, you wanted to tell him you forgave him, and you wanted everyone to heal. You have forgiven him and he is not taking it, and that is why this hurts so badly."

AND SHE is SO RIGHT!

Yes, some of my past post have been blunt and at times hurtful, but that is me being honest and human. Welcome to the human race! I call a spade a spade. So, if you were my BEST FRIEND, you aren't, but if you were I'd call you out. Why? Cause I know it's the best thing for you. So that's why my last posts are so hard core, I'm getting to the heart of the matter; the one that everyone is always afraid to point out. But this right here, this is a tired woman who has been to the ends of her rope and back. I know I have explored every which way to handle this hell-of-life without forgiving you, but I can't. My heart truly, truly sinks for you and what you saw that night. I couldn't imagine seeing a man fight for his last breath and know I caused it. I feel bad if I bump into people with my shopping cart at Publix, so I REALLY couldn't imagine what you are going through. And what you are trying to sleep through at night.

This doesn't have to be ugly, this isn't messy, and you never have to say anything out loud. Just know that when I stare at you and your wife in court, yes, I am still hurt; but inside I am like the mother who continues to watch her child make the biggest mistake of their life and they won't take my hand for help. I am crying for you, because your eyes speak pain and I see it. I am weeping for you, when you feel the need to fill the uncomfortable court room silence with nervous laughter, because you are scared. I am wanting to run you down and hold you like a mother would hold her son, when you don't even have the nerve to walk past me to exit the building. I wish this never, never, never happened to you and everyone you know. I wish this never, never, never happened to Russell and everyone he loved and loved him (and there were a lot, his funeral filled the mega church in Lilburn, two stories. It was beautiful to celebrate his life.)

But it did and we can't go back. But we must move forward in peace, you must hear this from me, and know I am being 100% honest when I say, I forgive you. I always have. I really just wanted a, "I'm so sorry." That's all. But I'll never get it and the only reason that's OK, is because God has already said it for you. Please take His gift, forgive yourself, and move forward accordingly.

peace,

Samarah

For them...

I remember a time when a squeal wasn't something wrong;
when the feet running towards the door wasn't forlorn.
The air and the mood dim,
until the moment he'd walk in.
All day long we would get through, oh we'd hoe
do that long row of the same ole same ole.
The beans were simmerin and the corn was right,
just before the bathtime, pj's, and goodnight's;
But just before we sat down to eat
there came a man dragging his feet.
And as much as the world had brought him down
he'd sit with his children and accept their crown.
For they did not just see him as their own,
he was worth of much more, a throne.
Not because of his title or his face,
it was only of his love and his grace.
He would tickle and tackle one to the floor,
and then teach the brother how to love his sister more.
Little protector and Little princess,
You are Daddy's here and in rest.

Tongue and Cheek

Remove the blindfold of legalism,
soak in love, walk in wisdom.
Where is the line, when you draw so many?
I'd rather use a net, let's go fishing.

Close your mouth, if you can't speak blossoms;
if you have negative thoughts, well, toss'em.

Practice what you preach, vomit what you eat.
Yet, your tone of words...filled with heat,

Or sticky sweet verbage, you call a reach out?
Let me guess, the goal was my soul?
When your eyes never had me at  "hello".
Ahh, but your tongue went on a roll....

Really? Hate the sin, but not the sinner?
Tired of the rhyme, hidden behind shameful pride.
Claiming it like it were your own;
forgetting it wasn't you who rolled the stone.

Aim is gone and sight unclear;
not hearing Your Savior, ear to ear?
Cheek to cheek, you should be dancing,
following His lead instead of glancing

At the muffled dillusion of your illusion.

Walking proudly and stout with staff in hand,
metal fish, leading sheep in a mini van.
Fit ever so nicely in between the lines;
hoarding your idea, it's your design.

You cross out and hand out, but never over.

For the
missed out,
blown out,
left out,
burnt out,
and
came out,

Standing in doubt for who He has chosen.

Sweat blood, break bread, and sit with the poor,
the tax collectors, the weak, liars, and the whore.
Move, take action, and simply love...
judgement is blocking who you're really made of.

You are the stone, so be rolled away.
His light will shine and you both will play.
Faith like a child you so desperately seek,
will be gifted to you cheek to cheek.

Ten for Ten

Top 10 favorite things about us:

1. Our family: God, us, the kids.
2. That he loved to tell people of how we met. Just precious, he'd remember every detail and tell everyone.
3. This picture the summer after we met, that we DIDN'T pose for...thanks Erin for snapping it. It's one of my ALL time favorites, cause we are smiling at each other.

4. Songs and music he wrote for us. He filled our house with music ALL the TIME (it's quiet now, thank you inano.) He'd bring his guitar everywhere and sometimes just follow me, the social butterfly, around parties playing away...he was my music man and I danced in between the notes.
5. Everything about our wedding. Handmade dress by my mother, flowers pick from the garden, music by my love, personal wedding vows, family and friends helping in any way. Super sweet and not a dry eye in the house.

6. This moment in time, Tom was playing Russell's song, "Come Home", we were lighting the candle. The wind was blowing and candle almost went out, but didn't. We were joking about the chances of it going out, holding our hands together the entire time, and it never went out.

7. We kept each other accountable, even though we had our own ways of expressing ourselves, we listened to each other and respected one another. We talked about EVERYTHING and questioned our true motives for everything. I didn't need a blog with him around; he was my sounding board and I was his. I miss my best friend.
8. On the morning of our wedding day, I could hear him outside and he yelled to my mother, "Stephanie, I'm going to MARRY your daughter TODAY!" I giggled so hard, I started to cry, and couldn't wait to see my love. He covers my face so that no one sees us kiss; super gentleman, honoring little ole' me.

9. Camping, hiking, sitting around a camp fire, cooking, grilling out while listening to the game, jamming and singing together, writing songs, talking for hours about faith and our walks with God, and being so thankful that we could do it all again tomorrow...

10. Hugging ourselves into giggles. His laugh, bear hugs, and his sweet smile.

God Bless you, Beloved one. Happy Memories, thank you. Make more, beauty from ashes, I will.