"Now's the time to make a dedication
to the life He's calling you and me to live
I've seen the God of Jacob
do mighty works in this heart of mine
Now it's your time to just give, just give in." -Russell Hays

This is a dedication to my late husband, Russell Hays. A loving, bright, deep and passionate man who died to his flesh on January 1st 2009, but lives in spirit there on. A bold young boy with a heart of gold. He loved sports, books, learning, music, and God. He pushed himself mentally, emotionally, and physically up until his death. He loved his friends and family. He loved his children so much and did everything in his power to do anything for them. And he loved me, little ole me. Oh, how he loved me.

Russell loved God first and loathed his flesh second. He saw where his spirit could be and where his flesh tripped him from getting there. Such a challenge for most and for a passionate spirit like Russell it was so irritating. The one thing that God has shown me is that Russell is not suffering anymore. That phrase is used a lot when someone is suffering through an illness, like cancer for my Aunt Miia, and it makes sense. In Russell's tragic death, of course, I didn't see it for a while. It's so clear to me now. Like I've shared in post past, I see Russell now as the spirit his flesh never allowed him to be on earth. He is beautiful, fresh as a baby, and heavenly sounds surround him.

Memories of all the sweet-wonderful words, actions, and songs fill my daily life. As do all the coulda's, shoulda's, woulda's. All of the conversations we needed to have, all the goals not met, the 10 fights we had throughout our relationship. With these memories I carry out an un-finished conversation with my late beloved, looking for resolution. Then I hear a new voice, one of peace, it's him. Through prayer and meditation I've been able to tell him how sorry I am for any failures as his wife. Some will not understand, but through his spirit, Russell has told me the same as my husband. The one thing I hear him repeat is "You will live for me."

So through me I will live as Russell always wanted, free, loving, and peaceful. Free from mind numbing worries, open to loving without fear, and for not feeling guilty for taking peaceful retreats. I will continue to live in the TRUTH. I'm just giving in.

To Russell: My dear sweet music man, thank you. For standing up for Christ. For putting Him first in our relationship. For loving me with everything you had. For showing me that true love is real and it can last beyond the grave. For telling me daily of your love and that I was the sweetest, most wonderful wife ever. For telling me you were crazy about me within the first 5 days we knew each other. For telling me that I have beautiful eyebrows. For hugging me in those first days and telling me "this feels like home.". For wanting to spend the rest of your life with me. For telling me you wanted to make babies with me, and we made the most beautiful babies ever. For writing the most beautiful songs for me to dance to, sing to, live by, and love. For being humble. For looking into my eyes, hugging me, kissing me, and loving me everyday like it would be the last time. I'll never forget the last time. Thank you for sharing almost 10 years with me. I love you SugarBearHoneyPie and miss you dearly.