It's been a while, I guess, since my last post. It wasn't until a friend mentioned that I should "keep up" with my blog. Thanks Erin. I guess one reason for my silence is there's just not more I can say than, "this just sucks. But I must move on. "Live, right!?!" My mother-in-law even agrees with me, this does suck. She is precious and I'm so glad I have such a great family.
Of course, I understand through this, God's glory will prevail and my destiny will blossom. God's will for me is wonderful, more than I could ever image. I just need time, warmth, and rain to bloom. I'm reminded of that every time I see the new growth of daffodils late February, early March. Another reason I loved that simple flower in my wedding bouquet; besides they are hardy, multiple, and surprise the eye with it's brightness around every corner during the late looming months of winter. Hope of new growth.
What I am struggling with is the timing and how quickly I want to move from the pain. Not to mention the silence. That is just not possible; time is out of my hands. Rushing this will only hide the pain and that will turn into anger. It's been very hard not to live from a place of anger, and fully submitting to the pain at every level of this walk. I am in pain because a need or needs are UN-met. Admitting I NEED, is something that is very hard for me. Seeing how my pride has ALWAYS been an issue; a stumbling block that pushes the healthy away, and gives into my "I'll show you..." attitude. Asking Abba for help from Him and His family is nothing to push away, it's like fertilizer!
Last night, I started a new bible study with Beth Moore, LOVE HER! She is guiding us through the book of Esther; I must admit, I've never read it. I'm a little late in the study. (It's been a LONG HARD 2 months.) I'm joining in around the 3rd week. The amazing part to me is she spoke last night about God's will, His destiny for you, and His timing. At the time His will is brought to us is at or through times of crisis; we are struggling and asked to obey, but the timing just stinks! We feel as though we just can't take on anymore and that silence of His will is the only way out. We can remain silent or we can speak. Russ always told me, "if you don't do God's will, He'll find someone to do it. Wouldn't you like to be rewarded for following His will?" It's elementary.
My feelings are, I can see God's will for me. Not the complete picture, but somewhat of the direction He has turned me on my heels. How He has asked me to use my passions, my talents, and love for Him to help others. (Others mostly being my children, that's my focus presently.) BUT the timing and the crisis SUCK! ;) I know it will get better, only by His grace. Other than that the action I want to be taking seems impossible! It's like I'm hooked to six different ropes being pulled and tugged in each direction. Seeing progress in one direction, thinking I'm moving forward, and then BAM I'm slug back to the middle waiting for the next ropes turn.
Then through it all, the moments of silence are SO painful. Mostly, not hearing Russell's voice, his live music, and his giggle when we'd hug. As well as the not knowing about many issues concerning my circumstances right now. New home, job, schools, and other "trials" on the horizon. Blah! I cannot stay silent and sit with His will on my lap. I must speak and stay in motion. It might be slow going, but at least I'm vertical, right!?! I go back to when I first came back to Christ; God told me..."See Him now, know Him now, love Him now, Now Go."
Winter is fading and spring is growing. New HOPE of GROWTH.
Random.When I picture myself in heaven, which I often do, I image I am 7 years old. Don't ask why, I'm not sure. I don't know if it is because my birthday is on the 7th day, or that my 7th birthday was a fun one. Mostly, I think it has to do with that the age of 7 is a great year to be a child. You still want to cuddle with your mom and dad, but your old enough to run and dance freely without caring what people think of you.
My favorite activity was making mud pies and building forts with cousins or friends. Dancing around in the yard and flipping cartwheels in the grass. My children do the same; act like lions in tall grass, pretend to be hunters in the jungle, and build "cities of sand" where only Matchbox people can go. I also think at this age we leave being a baby behind and work our way further in to "child-hood". I believe it was this age that I really started to hear Him, and prayers were not just a nightly "something-you-just do-cause-you-have-to" kind of thing. I remember my playtime was my prayer time, and He was my playmate.
I notice my children talking to themselves, and most times it's a pretend game sometimes it's not. I'll mistake pretend time for prayer time and respond to whatever they may be chatting about. Most times a "I'm not talking to you right now, momma." will come back at me. "Excuse me?" "I'm just talking to God, momma." I blush, my bad. After my first mistake, I've learned not to answer until I'm called. Isaac is soft, quiet, deep, staring off into space, and speaking sometimes only with his eyes. Lilli on the other hand is loud and bright, singing her love out loud, dancing sweetly pretending all of the birds sing with her.
As of lately, (I always crack up when I say that because lately life stinks) praying, crying, reading, searching, and writing has really left me tired. When I should just have faith like a child, rest in His arms, and play in His creation. Sing brightly of my love, gaze at His wonder for me and me for Him, dance for Him sweetly even when only my heart can move. Speak only with my eyes and heart, because my mind and mouth can bite off too much. Freely love and be loved.
It's warm, let's play.
Starting a blog for many reasons...God, me, my children, family, friends, and life.
They all come to play here.
By the way, it's called Spicy Peach Patch and here is why.
Russell and I were first dating and driving along Hwy 85 talking about the truckers. He told me when he was younger he too had a CB. His handle was Red or something along those lines. I asked him what he thought my handle should be and he said, "Well, you're cajun and live in Georgia. You're kinda of like a Spicy Georgia Peach."
It suck. I liked that I was his SpicyPeach.
Later, while reading Gal 5:22 it hit me but in a whole different way...Be a cute fruit and I am a spicypeach. I like that I am God's SpicyPeach.
My husband used to tell me in times of stress and disappointment, "Don't re-live it Sam." I find myself saying this phrase over and over again lately. As well as, "Live, Be Here Now."
That is what I am doing, LIVING. Breathe in, breathe out, get up walk to the bathroom, grab toothbrush, apply toothpaste, insert brush and wiggle over teeth. Start your day, all you have to do is open your eyes and breathe. What you choose to do next is your choice, there are many options.
One, we can re-live the memories that block a healthy future, or we can open our hearts and LIVE through the present with our feelings beside us. Some think that because we still "feel" the pain from a tragic event, we have to re-live the memory over and over. The pain and emotions are only a result of the event and it may stay with us for a while, forever. There is no need to deny them and push them deep within. LIVE your feelings, LIVE your "being", LIVE your heart until it feels as though it will burst. BE HERE NOW, LIVE NOW. BUT cease the re-living of memories that pull us away from the path of the future.
The only thing I kept repeating during the first 5 days of his death was, "We had it, we had it. It was gonna be our year, we were gonna do it." I kept going back to one of the last memories I had with him. We were in a yard, talking about Lilli and Ike. I told him "I'm glad we have this time together. I love you so much. I am so happy." and we kissed, held each other tight, and he giggled. He then pulled back a bit and said "I am happy too, I love you. It's gonna be our year, Baby."
Of course, I kept thinking what could I have done differently!?! Why? And what about "our year"? Not to mention, the replay button in my head of the events leading up to the worst sentence I have ever heard in my life. I kept praying, "Lord, what am I gonna do, when I don't even know how to DO. I don't know how to BE" The pain was so intense I thought I was going to die, no really, it was THAT bad. AND then I heard him. Russell, that "him".
During a tearful shower, not sure I would be able to wash between the crying and pleading, I told God of the memory with Russ in the yard. (Like He didn't know about it!?!) Then of how hours later he was gone. Gone in such a way I couldn't say it, but I couldn't get the picture out of my head either. Then I heard Russell, as loud as if he were in the room, "Don't re-live it, baby. LIVE."
It was at that point in my grief, that I knew it wouldn't stop. No matter what I am doing, where I am, who I am with, the grief will always be there. The loss will always be there. To what degree in the moment, who knows what to expect, BUT that it will always remain. From there the only option I had was to LIVE. BE HERE NOW, LIVE NOW. Take that pain and cry until you run out of tears. Then when you make more, cry again. Feel the pain, the hurt, the loss. Allow my Comforter to walk with me through the grief. Then I will know simple peace and happiness, and bless me I do.
During that first 5 days I knew few things. My world was rocked to the core, flipped inside out and back again, then belly up. I hardly knew how to feed myself. The only thing that remained was faith and grace. God was still beside me. Even in my loss He delivered me grace. When the pain consumed me, there came the grace and peace. (Which if you told me a month before I would feel these things, I would have thought you crazy.) But really, it fell upon me. Almost as hard as the pain. God is so much stronger than our worst moment, and He kicks it's snarly teeth in.
So, with all that on the table (the worst is over, I promise.) I am LIVING! I am moving forward, with a "I am a Widow, it SUCKS, but it's OK" badge. (I think my old girl scout troop might just send me one...I did sell the most cookies in 89, for crying out loud.) No really, I am choosing to move forward and live as my sweet beloved lived, HONESTLY and without fear. I am allowing only God to direct my path and He has turned me to the future. A future with some pain, but more grace, peace, and mostly Him.
Welcome to my world. It's still gonna be "our year"