We live everyday in Russell's honor. We live with the small hint of his whisper, "Don't relive it, LIVE."
Each "New Year's Day" it's gets harder to remember your life and honor your passing without remembering each detail of that day. I remember every minute, every second of the every last moment with you. The other edge is the shrug of your shoulders, Todd's flippant attitude towards the deadly drive, the sound of the car as it passed me, the look on Josh's face as he told me, and the pounding floor cracking my foot.
What kills me, I know they are remembering their version of what happened too. Every year. I don't fear their version, I don't fear forgetting, I don't fear a cold heart, and I don't fear death. What I fear, because I feared it for myself...is that they will never heal. I am past the fear of not healing, because I am. I continue to take the proper steps to full wellness. Step one, being stone cold honest, blunt, hard to swallow honest. With yourself and the choices of people we love.
It's not always pretty, but neither was Calvary.
Who are you to say I wouldn't forgive you, I wouldn't help you, I wouldn't hold you, I wouldn't kick your ass and drive you to a counselor to talk about your inner brat. The first mistake we make as human beings is that we doubt the power of love, trust, and faith; our first step to being a fool. After all this time, I know now I am not a fool. I believe in the power of love, I believe in the forgiveness of sin, I trust in ways of which I do not understand, and have faith that one day it will all make sense. And if it doesn't I had fun dancing and a pure heart is the blessing.
Year four, there is no date for the trial. I watch as the walls of the court room and the faces inside grow smaller and smaller around Todd. I don't hate Todd, I pity him. Well, I do get pissed off because this is such a waste of time, but whatever it's his dime. (Which will run out soon and be the tax payer dime, so just chew on that...NICE.) But seriously, it's a shame that because he is a fool *see above* he didn't trust me. Some where a long time ago someone didn't hug him. Fools breed fools. This is why I still pray for the healing of Josh, Rachel, Kim, and Todd. And I pray for their children. I always have, BECAUSE I knew that this would BREAK them. And for the Willoughby family, I hear it has. Pray for their children.
Because even though, year four has brought a detail to my daughter's life that makes me weep every time I think of it, I cannot imagine the heartache, distrust, and misunderstanding the Willoughby children will face in their lives ahead of them. Homes aren't built or kept on a foundation of lies.
My baby had her daddy for four years. A solid loving rock. I will spend the rest of her years speaking the truth. A solid loving rock.