Todd Willoughby is still a liar. His wife, Kim Willoughby, supports him. Which means she is also a liar, weak, or both...probably both. Josh Price is still equally as weak, I "assure" you. ;) Not to mention his wife Rachel Price...just sheep following sheep.
No growth in any of these human beings, which is sad. I'm not trying to be rude, unkind, or mean...it's simply the truth. And it might make you mad, or sick of hearing it, and maybe that will urge you to do something about it. I would have been just fine with one, "I'm sorry." That's growth.
But yet again, I hear an excuse for another day. I and others, who love Russell, are pushed aside for nothing. Just to wait on others, who don't want growth. They want the same ole, same ole...just drive it like you stole it, right!?! A motto you can't even claim anymore, because it speaks volumes of your immature character and how quickly you drove around the curve. Steal what you cannot grow yourself. Drive, because you have none, of any real purpose that is. Lie about who you are, cause you cannot stand to see what you are really made of...nothing worth speaking of to begin with.
My personally growth is a different story, one I keep to myself because it is all I have left. BUT I am doing pretty freaking fantastic. Considering, I've been through more crap, more heartache, more errands, more housework, more work, more counseling, more praying, more forgiving, more loving, than any of those people have ever done, probably in their lives! AND maybe that's WHY! (Different breeds at different speeds; grow UP!)
With this perspective I still have hope, that a child will make a decision to act like an adult and end this sham.
8.29.2012
5.31.2012
"20 Seconds of Courage!"
I yelled at a man over a parking lot. I was not angry. I was pleading with the only broken heart that can end the misery he started. There were hedges and 40 yard between us. I stood in a circle. This time he was just walking away.
The night before I watched "We Bought a Zoo" with my children. They had seen it before and Lilli wanted me to watch the movie. I couldn't make it through the first time, too many memories surfaced under my scars. They were excited about the movie and felt a connection with the two children characters, so I made myself watch. Walking into the kitchen at some points, squeezing the kitchen sink hoping that it will hold me up, remembering the pain, depression, and deep hole left in my heart after our loss, and then returning with a red face and popcorn. Remembering my children's first months without their Daddy, and trying to heal "my littles" with whatever strength I had left in me at the time. I MADE myself watch the movie, because it was important to my children.
I do not enjoy going to calendar calls. I do not even have any satisfaction from seeing the face of the driver or him seeing mine. My hands and voice shake so much so I want to scream. My heart beats so fast, it makes me mad it's not for something fun. I want to throw up. I MAKE myself attend these painful 10 minute to hour long sessions of hogwash, because my children deserve an answer from SOMEONE! When all this is said and done SOMEONE will answer the hard questions about EVERY detail of this drama, and I will be able to say I SHOWED up and did not RUN AWAY.
As hard as it is, it makes me stronger and the honesty leads to great unbelievable happiness in the depths of the heart of my family. I would not be able to "make our happy loud" if I ignored the painful truth of our past. Is your happy loud? Do your children hear you laughing without the worry of your heart crying out to be free? What do you want your life statement to be? As hard as it is, I want my babies to know I uphold the vows I promised to my late beloved to this day, for better or worse, sickness and health, love, honor, cherish, and through sitting in calendar calls and trials without his physical presence beside me IN HONOR of our WORD. For better or worse, it takes courage and I pray for it every single day I wake up. Courage to be honest throughout my days.
I honestly want your life statement to be something of worth and not failure. Running away is failure, bro. Running past your house and further from the scene"for help", because the thought of me still being at your house is failure, bro. Turning around takes courage. Yesterday, I saw the first cry of a lying heart. You MADE yourself turn around, good job.
"20 seconds of COURAGE!" He is still walking away. "20 SECONDS of COURAGE!" Forty yards from me, he turns his body to my direction. "Instead of 52 minutes of FAILURE! That's all I have to say to you, Bro. Peace Out."
The night before I watched "We Bought a Zoo" with my children. They had seen it before and Lilli wanted me to watch the movie. I couldn't make it through the first time, too many memories surfaced under my scars. They were excited about the movie and felt a connection with the two children characters, so I made myself watch. Walking into the kitchen at some points, squeezing the kitchen sink hoping that it will hold me up, remembering the pain, depression, and deep hole left in my heart after our loss, and then returning with a red face and popcorn. Remembering my children's first months without their Daddy, and trying to heal "my littles" with whatever strength I had left in me at the time. I MADE myself watch the movie, because it was important to my children.
I do not enjoy going to calendar calls. I do not even have any satisfaction from seeing the face of the driver or him seeing mine. My hands and voice shake so much so I want to scream. My heart beats so fast, it makes me mad it's not for something fun. I want to throw up. I MAKE myself attend these painful 10 minute to hour long sessions of hogwash, because my children deserve an answer from SOMEONE! When all this is said and done SOMEONE will answer the hard questions about EVERY detail of this drama, and I will be able to say I SHOWED up and did not RUN AWAY.
As hard as it is, it makes me stronger and the honesty leads to great unbelievable happiness in the depths of the heart of my family. I would not be able to "make our happy loud" if I ignored the painful truth of our past. Is your happy loud? Do your children hear you laughing without the worry of your heart crying out to be free? What do you want your life statement to be? As hard as it is, I want my babies to know I uphold the vows I promised to my late beloved to this day, for better or worse, sickness and health, love, honor, cherish, and through sitting in calendar calls and trials without his physical presence beside me IN HONOR of our WORD. For better or worse, it takes courage and I pray for it every single day I wake up. Courage to be honest throughout my days.
I honestly want your life statement to be something of worth and not failure. Running away is failure, bro. Running past your house and further from the scene"for help", because the thought of me still being at your house is failure, bro. Turning around takes courage. Yesterday, I saw the first cry of a lying heart. You MADE yourself turn around, good job.
"20 seconds of COURAGE!" He is still walking away. "20 SECONDS of COURAGE!" Forty yards from me, he turns his body to my direction. "Instead of 52 minutes of FAILURE! That's all I have to say to you, Bro. Peace Out."
2.26.2012
Making it Home
I have always wanted to be is a mother, a momma, and sometimes a "MOM"! Naturally, being a stay at home mom suited me to a tee. I took pride in being a stay at home wife and mother. Many years ago I read a piece of advice, "the world is full of chaos, your home should be a place of peace." In my opinion, as a wife and mother it was my job to be the CEO of my home. For the most part we were at peace; that is not saying everything was "perfect". Peace, we knew working together on our strengths and weakness would yeild a larger and greater harvest for our family. Peace.
Of course, three years ago our family and home came to a hault. Rebuilding has been a process. Learning the responsibilities of a single widowed mother of two, along with EVERYTHING else has been...well, it's been a challenge. But God thinks I can do it, and do it well in His honor...so I will. I am so blessed by the progress the kids and I have been making in the past years. We are learning together how our tragic experience opens a world of honesty we are happy to share with each other. Our goals as a family unit and as members of our community are shaping back into what we once remember them to be and sometimes even better!! It's amazing how truth, realistic goals, and positive attitudes will weed the junk from your life and yeild better fruit. I feel kind of silly about sharing, but I've posted so much emotional "BLAH"...my followers deserve some "AH-HA!"
Our household notebook has everything current, family information, to do ASAP, important documents that are needed for a short time, school, honey do list, travel plans, misc, and birthday/party plans.
Next is my Budget. I've been on the Dave Ramsey plan for years and my old notebook broke because of the use. A small tip for any Dave Ramsey followers, laminate the monthly budget chart which makes it easier to erase and fill out your budget with a dry erase marker every month. Saving on printing cost and paper...earth friendly and cheap!
Next, my art notebook. Yes, it's like pinterest, and I've had these clips, crafting ideas, and photos for more than 5yrs. telling myself, "One of these days I'm going to do....." The coolest part is some of the home decor ideas I clipped out have taken shape in my home. I love seeing progress!
Of course, three years ago our family and home came to a hault. Rebuilding has been a process. Learning the responsibilities of a single widowed mother of two, along with EVERYTHING else has been...well, it's been a challenge. But God thinks I can do it, and do it well in His honor...so I will. I am so blessed by the progress the kids and I have been making in the past years. We are learning together how our tragic experience opens a world of honesty we are happy to share with each other. Our goals as a family unit and as members of our community are shaping back into what we once remember them to be and sometimes even better!! It's amazing how truth, realistic goals, and positive attitudes will weed the junk from your life and yeild better fruit. I feel kind of silly about sharing, but I've posted so much emotional "BLAH"...my followers deserve some "AH-HA!"
Mind you we've always followed these ideas, charts, and strategies within our home, but I haven't been able to organize them fully. Being organized helps me keep the peace. I found a great quote that explains, "Organized people tend to see more clearly how their environment affects their emotional well-being." ME ME ME. I am pretty in tuned to what goes on around me, what adds to our life and growth, and what sucks the life from us. I am so proud of the kids for helping me with this simple project. IT HELPS!
Look how pleased they look. ;) At the top are good works at school, in the middle simple instructions for things I don't think I should have to repeat (tidy room list, math and reading homework checklist), and bottom level a list of our family rules and consequences, morning/evening routines, and chore list. All these sheets are laminated so they are easy to write on or clean. This really helps Ike because of his ADHD and Lilli because she is a girl. :) This collection is in our hall way and can be seen from their bedroom doors.
Now on to my projects! Please beware of how nerdy I really am...I am coming out of the CLOSET!!!
Because my hall closet is so small I use it as office space rather than winter coat space. I've had the small white file cabinet since we moved into this house. As well as, the closet organizer that some use for clothes I use for supplies. What I'm really happy about are the noteboooks on the top shelf. I use to have everything in the cabinet, but it just was not working. Now all important and active papers are in notebooks for easy reach. I found the hanging file on the door at target, and this helps me to file new mail until I can get it into it's home folder. I wish everything "matched" a little better, but you work with what you have.
I have a notebook for most everything, investments, my major policies, kids major records, personal, etc. I'm not going to bore you with every single one, just a few. The ones above are Art, Meal Plan, HouseHold, and Budget. At first I thought the colorful paper would be cheesy, but it helps the boring task of organizing.
Lastly, is my Meal Planning notebook. This was a major task for me 2 years before Russell died. I was on a mission to serve healthy meals to my family within our budget without stress. I did it! But unfortunatlly in the move I did not hold on to the record. Oh well, new flavors and dishes are on the way! Cooking is not as natural to me as dancing, so I work really hard to make it effortless. Planning helps to remove the stress of what I will cook and focus more on the act of cooking, serving, and enjoying the meal with my family.
Glad to share something different for a change! Happy Home Making!
2.14.2012
Darlin'
To grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified
Isaiah 61:3
I've been praying to get to this point. This view from this angle on the mountain. This place of gratitude.
Standing in glory, rooted in a stance of amazement, and awe struck wonder in Your every word.
I pray for these times together.
That place of all parts of me for all parts of You and the purity of Love shines through.
My arms can't help but lift in the direction of You. With my every move You are caressing me in comfort.
My Love, I've missed this union.
All the parts of me, love all the parts of You.
I understand even more now than ever I am your bride.
More than anything I pray and long for the closest of Oneness an earthly walk will blossom with my Passion.
You exemplify the word, and Your direction in love is my life blood.
I thank you for this time; This time of gratitude for the journey handed to me, entrusted to me, and a slice of glory to share...in Love.
My words, my thoughts, my prayers coming back to me, echoing. Reminding me the present is my answer.
My answer and I'm bathing in it, Sweet Jesus, I am.
Moved by You so deeply, so gracefully.
I don't want to want; I don't want to dance, fall, or collapse.
Bask. So often I dismiss the simple luxury of Your spiritual presence.
I want to bask in Your presence and get Lifted.
Closing my eyes and wondering towards You.
We rise above and the weights of fleshly life are released.
We are united. All the parts of me, love all the parts of You.
Love.
Love is such a common word used to explain this feeling.
I'm common so it works. I am humbled so it works even more.
The purest form of agape running circles around my wounds.
Love In, Peace Out. Love Out, Peace In.
Amen.
I will rejoice greatly in the LORD,
My soul will exult in my God;
For He has clothed me with garments of salvation,
He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland,
And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
And as a garden causes the things sown in it to spring up,
So the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise
To spring up before all the nations.
Isaiah 61:10-11
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified
Isaiah 61:3
I've been praying to get to this point. This view from this angle on the mountain. This place of gratitude.
Standing in glory, rooted in a stance of amazement, and awe struck wonder in Your every word.
I pray for these times together.
That place of all parts of me for all parts of You and the purity of Love shines through.
My arms can't help but lift in the direction of You. With my every move You are caressing me in comfort.
My Love, I've missed this union.
All the parts of me, love all the parts of You.
I understand even more now than ever I am your bride.
More than anything I pray and long for the closest of Oneness an earthly walk will blossom with my Passion.
You exemplify the word, and Your direction in love is my life blood.
I thank you for this time; This time of gratitude for the journey handed to me, entrusted to me, and a slice of glory to share...in Love.
My words, my thoughts, my prayers coming back to me, echoing. Reminding me the present is my answer.
My answer and I'm bathing in it, Sweet Jesus, I am.
Moved by You so deeply, so gracefully.
I don't want to want; I don't want to dance, fall, or collapse.
Bask. So often I dismiss the simple luxury of Your spiritual presence.
I want to bask in Your presence and get Lifted.
Closing my eyes and wondering towards You.
We rise above and the weights of fleshly life are released.
We are united. All the parts of me, love all the parts of You.
Love.
Love is such a common word used to explain this feeling.
I'm common so it works. I am humbled so it works even more.
The purest form of agape running circles around my wounds.
Love In, Peace Out. Love Out, Peace In.
Amen.
I will rejoice greatly in the LORD,
My soul will exult in my God;
For He has clothed me with garments of salvation,
He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland,
And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
And as a garden causes the things sown in it to spring up,
So the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise
To spring up before all the nations.
Isaiah 61:10-11
12.31.2011
Happy New Year
12.04.2011
High Arches
My feet are narrow. They are not very strong. Loving to dance, I always disliked my feet. Just one of those funny things that you dislike about yourself, but no one else seems to care or notice. But for me, personally I always wanted a different pair.
To catch up on what's been going on and where I'm going with this entry...just stay with me.
Our fall was very busy, as well as the Christmas season. We are all in school and doing well. Ike is so bright and creative. Although, he struggles with staying on task. With time and practice, I know this will get better...so I continue to encourage his many positive qualities! Thankfully his teacher is so understanding and patient (I think it might have something to do with the fact that she went to the same college as Russell!) Overall he really has grown up this year with the influence of his teachers, coaches, and his friend/mentor, Skip. Ike is happier; it is such a wonderful feeling to know and see your child is healing.
Lilli is also doing well in school. She does not struggle with the same issues, of course...but I will say in what she does struggle with, she does equally as hard. Lilli is a wonderful student; loving to read, write, and draw. She is a smart child, has strong opinions, and is very expressive. All fine and dandy, I want my daughter to grow into a strong woman of faith and character, but Lilli falls into being the "baby of the family" and Momma's little girl. That's being nice; she is becoming too sassy! Common for a little girl of her age, but not acceptable! Although, I know that this is another battle with children testing their boundaries; I'm just glad I'm stronger now to tackle this "issue" and Lilli has a beautiful and compassionate heart. So I know she will improve.
This also was our first season back in football and first season for cheer leading. I'm not going to lie, it was hard. I longed for my children to have their Daddy on the field with them during games. It's hard to watch them play so well, work so hard, show strong character, and want to tell them "Your Daddy is so proud of you!" without tears in your eyes! Staying positive always helps with that pesky lump in my throat; so I found myself helping out on the field keeping track of plays for the team! It was fun and I really liked the time with Ike Lionheart Hays!! ;)
When the three night a week practice and game on Saturday season was over, I was thankful we would have November to recharge before the "holiday" season. Because if there is one thing I am learning, being a single-widowed mother of two is hard work, YO! And I have to allow myself "down time" no matter how guilty I feel! But our November...was a NO-vember! It flew by! There were plenty of wonderful things to chat about, but honestly I was trying to rest and focus on preparing myself for December. There are a lot of memories made during the holiday season, and I pray up for strength to make it through. Plus, knowing that there would be no movement well into 2012 in the criminal case against the driver, Todd Willoughby...wasn't the easiest thing to swallow. I push on. So when I was cleaning out my shed for Christmas decorations and the upcoming winter, it became very clear to me that I lost my mind for the last 3 years. As I opened plastic tub after plastic tub I couldn't remember what was in them and even worse when I packed them! Grief robbed me, again! Evil vampire, sucking the life out of the living! Our past loved ones really don't want this for us, so move forward.
So I did, and walked into a holiday season with not much sadness in my heart. Memories were there, of course, but after speaking with Tina she confirmed I am doing the healthy thing. Remember the good, hold it dear, put it behind you, and focus on the future with wisdom from the past. So here I am gung-ho-ho-ho for the holiday season wanting to hold on to every gingerbread moment, and darn-it! It didn't feel like Christmas this year!?! Anybody feel me!?! Don't get me wrong gathering with friends and family is always good, but for some reason I didn't have that "Crosby White Christmas" warm and fuzzy feeling all over.
I don't know what the reason was, but I can guess that it was a combination of plenty of emotions and feelings I wasn't able to properly express because I wasn't writing on a the regular. This writing stuff really helps, but sometimes it's hard to share....what if I offend someone!?! And then I think, "well if they play by your standards of offensive behavior...you'd have to accidentally end their life, run away, and then lie about the whole darn thing. So I think you're all good." But honestly and just to be clear with everyone, I don't play by "my standards" that would be self-righteous...it's really His standard and still I think I'm ok.
Maybe it's just me, but after loss the lights aren't dim, they are brighter; Truth is always brighter. And love is not just a sappy romantic comedy feeling that just so happens to reappear forever, it's a choice. And family unity is not a tree that is easily pruned, it takes an entire family to restore the health back to the tree. And if for any reason you think it's hard for you, you've never prayed, held, and consoled a grieving child who is losing memories of her Daddy. All these things lead to evolving into better and healthier people, no matter how hard they feel in the moment of impact.
It's hard work to be a healthy human being; one without bitterness, hate, lust, greed, self-righteousness, self pity, and selfishness. Mentally, emotionally, and physically you become tired. Growing pains set in like the ones of your youth, but you are older and the pain is in your heart and not your legs. My frustration grows when I witness people throwing in the towel, before they are even tested. Before they honestly tasted the blood of defeat, and still choose to swallow it and dig deep for water. Choose a path best for themselves, instead of what is best for the flock. I look at their steps; how their posture is anchored at their feet....proud chest out rocking on the ball and big toe, maybe unsure of their direction hunched over resting on the outside and "littlest piggie", or ready to give in with weight in the heels and toes up. I wonder, what have they been doing for the last four months? No really. What have they been doing? (this isn't my judgemental voice, this is one of curiosity.)
So of course, I look at my own path before my curiosity turns to judgement...:) I see MY times of weakness, I see MY times of wanting to throw in the towel, and I see when I was HELD UP and CARRIED. I see that even though I am emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically worn slap out, I'm glad I was pushed, I'm thankful I became wise to my threshold, I'm thankful I said "no" to anything that did not benefit my family, I'm glad I said "yes" to my heart, and above all else I'm thankful He made me focus on my own path instead the one of someone else. Another lesson in humility...God = a billion...Sam = 0.
I pray for my steps, that I allow Him to guide each of them, that I guard against pit falls and holes that tempt me to give up, and that I open my stance, toes wide, and heel dug dip...the rest of my body will adjust, follow, and become stronger. The lamp onto my feet is revealing more and more, even though my path at times can be narrow and rocky...these size 10s are for running up mountains.
To catch up on what's been going on and where I'm going with this entry...just stay with me.
Our fall was very busy, as well as the Christmas season. We are all in school and doing well. Ike is so bright and creative. Although, he struggles with staying on task. With time and practice, I know this will get better...so I continue to encourage his many positive qualities! Thankfully his teacher is so understanding and patient (I think it might have something to do with the fact that she went to the same college as Russell!) Overall he really has grown up this year with the influence of his teachers, coaches, and his friend/mentor, Skip. Ike is happier; it is such a wonderful feeling to know and see your child is healing.
Lilli is also doing well in school. She does not struggle with the same issues, of course...but I will say in what she does struggle with, she does equally as hard. Lilli is a wonderful student; loving to read, write, and draw. She is a smart child, has strong opinions, and is very expressive. All fine and dandy, I want my daughter to grow into a strong woman of faith and character, but Lilli falls into being the "baby of the family" and Momma's little girl. That's being nice; she is becoming too sassy! Common for a little girl of her age, but not acceptable! Although, I know that this is another battle with children testing their boundaries; I'm just glad I'm stronger now to tackle this "issue" and Lilli has a beautiful and compassionate heart. So I know she will improve.
This also was our first season back in football and first season for cheer leading. I'm not going to lie, it was hard. I longed for my children to have their Daddy on the field with them during games. It's hard to watch them play so well, work so hard, show strong character, and want to tell them "Your Daddy is so proud of you!" without tears in your eyes! Staying positive always helps with that pesky lump in my throat; so I found myself helping out on the field keeping track of plays for the team! It was fun and I really liked the time with Ike Lionheart Hays!! ;)
When the three night a week practice and game on Saturday season was over, I was thankful we would have November to recharge before the "holiday" season. Because if there is one thing I am learning, being a single-widowed mother of two is hard work, YO! And I have to allow myself "down time" no matter how guilty I feel! But our November...was a NO-vember! It flew by! There were plenty of wonderful things to chat about, but honestly I was trying to rest and focus on preparing myself for December. There are a lot of memories made during the holiday season, and I pray up for strength to make it through. Plus, knowing that there would be no movement well into 2012 in the criminal case against the driver, Todd Willoughby...wasn't the easiest thing to swallow. I push on. So when I was cleaning out my shed for Christmas decorations and the upcoming winter, it became very clear to me that I lost my mind for the last 3 years. As I opened plastic tub after plastic tub I couldn't remember what was in them and even worse when I packed them! Grief robbed me, again! Evil vampire, sucking the life out of the living! Our past loved ones really don't want this for us, so move forward.
So I did, and walked into a holiday season with not much sadness in my heart. Memories were there, of course, but after speaking with Tina she confirmed I am doing the healthy thing. Remember the good, hold it dear, put it behind you, and focus on the future with wisdom from the past. So here I am gung-ho-ho-ho for the holiday season wanting to hold on to every gingerbread moment, and darn-it! It didn't feel like Christmas this year!?! Anybody feel me!?! Don't get me wrong gathering with friends and family is always good, but for some reason I didn't have that "Crosby White Christmas" warm and fuzzy feeling all over.
I don't know what the reason was, but I can guess that it was a combination of plenty of emotions and feelings I wasn't able to properly express because I wasn't writing on a the regular. This writing stuff really helps, but sometimes it's hard to share....what if I offend someone!?! And then I think, "well if they play by your standards of offensive behavior...you'd have to accidentally end their life, run away, and then lie about the whole darn thing. So I think you're all good." But honestly and just to be clear with everyone, I don't play by "my standards" that would be self-righteous...it's really His standard and still I think I'm ok.
Maybe it's just me, but after loss the lights aren't dim, they are brighter; Truth is always brighter. And love is not just a sappy romantic comedy feeling that just so happens to reappear forever, it's a choice. And family unity is not a tree that is easily pruned, it takes an entire family to restore the health back to the tree. And if for any reason you think it's hard for you, you've never prayed, held, and consoled a grieving child who is losing memories of her Daddy. All these things lead to evolving into better and healthier people, no matter how hard they feel in the moment of impact.
It's hard work to be a healthy human being; one without bitterness, hate, lust, greed, self-righteousness, self pity, and selfishness. Mentally, emotionally, and physically you become tired. Growing pains set in like the ones of your youth, but you are older and the pain is in your heart and not your legs. My frustration grows when I witness people throwing in the towel, before they are even tested. Before they honestly tasted the blood of defeat, and still choose to swallow it and dig deep for water. Choose a path best for themselves, instead of what is best for the flock. I look at their steps; how their posture is anchored at their feet....proud chest out rocking on the ball and big toe, maybe unsure of their direction hunched over resting on the outside and "littlest piggie", or ready to give in with weight in the heels and toes up. I wonder, what have they been doing for the last four months? No really. What have they been doing? (this isn't my judgemental voice, this is one of curiosity.)
So of course, I look at my own path before my curiosity turns to judgement...:) I see MY times of weakness, I see MY times of wanting to throw in the towel, and I see when I was HELD UP and CARRIED. I see that even though I am emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically worn slap out, I'm glad I was pushed, I'm thankful I became wise to my threshold, I'm thankful I said "no" to anything that did not benefit my family, I'm glad I said "yes" to my heart, and above all else I'm thankful He made me focus on my own path instead the one of someone else. Another lesson in humility...God = a billion...Sam = 0.
I pray for my steps, that I allow Him to guide each of them, that I guard against pit falls and holes that tempt me to give up, and that I open my stance, toes wide, and heel dug dip...the rest of my body will adjust, follow, and become stronger. The lamp onto my feet is revealing more and more, even though my path at times can be narrow and rocky...these size 10s are for running up mountains.
9.06.2011
Sight
She misses her Daddy. She likes to draw. She was drawing at the kitchen table and her brother was eating a snack. I was cooking. She asked your name, your last name, and I told her.
"You can write to him and tell him how you feel any time you want." I said.
"Oh, I will. But I wouldn't say anything mean. I would just tell him, it was just an accident." she said.
He was quite, but he shook his head, "yes". Tears filled my eyes. Not because of their pain, but because of their understanding. They are strong.
I will not be sitting in the row behind you tomorrow, because I have better things to do and it's just ANOTHER calendar call. And even though they are never in your sight in the court room, they see through you.
From their tears, make mud, and see.
"You can write to him and tell him how you feel any time you want." I said.
"Oh, I will. But I wouldn't say anything mean. I would just tell him, it was just an accident." she said.
He was quite, but he shook his head, "yes". Tears filled my eyes. Not because of their pain, but because of their understanding. They are strong.
I will not be sitting in the row behind you tomorrow, because I have better things to do and it's just ANOTHER calendar call. And even though they are never in your sight in the court room, they see through you.
From their tears, make mud, and see.
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