The anger balls up inside me when I see your face, not because of your actions, but because I've forgiven them and you run away like before. I've never wanted you to suffer, not by the hands of men, not in your own head, and especially not in your heart. My heart aches for the pain you and your family have had to go through because of your actions and lies. I pray day and night for your children.
I remember telling Tina early on, like two months into this nightmare, "...they're never gonna heal, never. They'll never heal if they don't tell the truth. Their marriage will suffer, their children will suffer, and the beautiful life that God wants for everyone will be lost." She then asked me, "What would you do if you saw him, let's say 2 football fields away? What would be your first thought?" And as quickly as she asked, I said "That could be my son in 20 years. What would I do as a mother?" Which then I burst into tears...and her reply, "You didn't break them and you can't fix them. You need to heal yourself first, then you worry about them...much later." But now is the time to worry about you.
Today was a very hard day for me, not just because of Calendar Call, not just because you were driving the car that killed my husband, not because your wife was there to support you and my husband is dead, BUT also my sister died nine years ago on this very day, May 4, 2002. I sat next to my Daddy, and had to watch him suffer again. He, again, has to watch his other little girl suffer in terrible pain that he cannot fix. You have two little girls, could you imagine? I don't think you can, so I cry for them and you.
I called my mother afterwards, because she had to work, and on a day that is already so hard, she again had to dish out advice that she can hardly carry out herself. "Write to him, Samarah. Tell him who you are. They don't know who you are. They know your anger, they know your bitterness, but they do not hear your compassion. Because he was not there hours after the wreck when you wanted to hold him, you wanted to tell him you forgave him, and you wanted everyone to heal. You have forgiven him and he is not taking it, and that is why this hurts so badly."
AND SHE is SO RIGHT!
Yes, some of my past post have been blunt and at times hurtful, but that is me being honest and human. Welcome to the human race! I call a spade a spade. So, if you were my BEST FRIEND, you aren't, but if you were I'd call you out. Why? Cause I know it's the best thing for you. So that's why my last posts are so hard core, I'm getting to the heart of the matter; the one that everyone is always afraid to point out. But this right here, this is a tired woman who has been to the ends of her rope and back. I know I have explored every which way to handle this hell-of-life without forgiving you, but I can't. My heart truly, truly sinks for you and what you saw that night. I couldn't imagine seeing a man fight for his last breath and know I caused it. I feel bad if I bump into people with my shopping cart at Publix, so I REALLY couldn't imagine what you are going through. And what you are trying to sleep through at night.
This doesn't have to be ugly, this isn't messy, and you never have to say anything out loud. Just know that when I stare at you and your wife in court, yes, I am still hurt; but inside I am like the mother who continues to watch her child make the biggest mistake of their life and they won't take my hand for help. I am crying for you, because your eyes speak pain and I see it. I am weeping for you, when you feel the need to fill the uncomfortable court room silence with nervous laughter, because you are scared. I am wanting to run you down and hold you like a mother would hold her son, when you don't even have the nerve to walk past me to exit the building. I wish this never, never, never happened to you and everyone you know. I wish this never, never, never happened to Russell and everyone he loved and loved him (and there were a lot, his funeral filled the mega church in Lilburn, two stories. It was beautiful to celebrate his life.)
But it did and we can't go back. But we must move forward in peace, you must hear this from me, and know I am being 100% honest when I say, I forgive you. I always have. I really just wanted a, "I'm so sorry." That's all. But I'll never get it and the only reason that's OK, is because God has already said it for you. Please take His gift, forgive yourself, and move forward accordingly.
peace,
Samarah
