Longing....

...FOR YOU! and the release of my blog.

Really, I long for everything. Mourning sucks, everything changes, and mostly it changes how you view other people. (AND that in itself is SO disappointing. Your view of any human goes down SO FAR, especially when you have been betrayed in such a way, as I have by 4 human beings. It's sad. I feel bad for their parents and pray for their children.) Anyway. So, I miss everything. I miss thinking people ARE HONEST. I MISS my sweet husband. I'm sad, but I'm also REALLY happy (mostly happy I'm not depressed...;)) But then sad again, that I can't call him to relay the great happy day I'm having. Like I told my mom tonight, it's not that I'm not living....it's that I AM. LIVING without.

But that is LIFE. LIVE AND LOSS.

Then, just so happened, I came back to my blog. I've been meaning to post and update, but SO much has happened I don't know where to start. It's almost like when you're in the middle of the tornado, you can't explain it until months later. Well, let's just say the SHOCK has really faded from this nightmare, and at this point I'm just really irritated with FOOLish behavior of other's that continue to interrupt MY LIFE. So, I'm reading my first post and I can totally relate. I know. I wrote the words (yuk) a year ago! But really, I'm living and the grief is still HERE.

You know when you are sick, let's say with the flu....for like a week, and when you start to feel just a little bit better, even brushing your teeth is the most amazing thing ever! Well, it's like that on a even smaller scale, yet I'm tired of making the effort. AND don't get confused, I'm not thankful for every SINGLE thing because it's another day out of jail...like someone else I once met. It's more like, "Okay things could be ALOT worse, let's enjoy the benefit of floss today, because I'm running out of options!!!" That's where I am. I am a professional at distracting myself....something shiney! Where was I!?!

Now, I've distracted myself long enough and cried a million times, I'm done being "quiet". My anger hasn't even touched the surface of my lips, and I'm letting go of my tongue. Let the venting really start. What do I have to lose? (Already lost a husband.) It's not gonna hurt MY case...I already WON! And it's not like I'm banking on the judicial system for any juctice. Just think of this as my day in court, really addressing those who have hurt my children, our families, me, and just being called a human being in general.

So I'm back, but this time.....now that I've WON a HUGE battle.....I'm back with a little more spice. It only helps to taste the REAL fruit; it's called honesty. In the next few post, I'll be sharing the real hard core TRUTH of my life for the past 20 months. No folks, I'm not RUNNING from ANYTHING or ANYONE. I'm not going to VOMIT someone else's story, because I can't think for myself well enough to connect the dots. AND I'm surely not going to LIE on my husband behalf, like someone I once met, just to keep my pretty little package "neat and sweet".

I am going to relay the stages of my LOSS. Sadness, AnGeR, depression, acceptance, and the other one...I can't remember it. Oh yeah, denial, good thing I'm HORRIBLE at LYING, so I could never do that to myself much less others. I'm doing this out of respect for myself, my children, and our families.