"Now's the time to make a dedication
to the life He's calling you and me to live
I've seen the God of Jacob
do mighty works in this heart of mine
Now it's your time to just give, just give in." -Russell Hays
This is a dedication to my late husband, Russell Hays. A loving, bright, deep and passionate man who died to his flesh on January 1st 2009, but lives in spirit there on. A bold young boy with a heart of gold. He loved sports, books, learning, music, and God. He pushed himself mentally, emotionally, and physically up until his death. He loved his friends and family. He loved his children so much and did everything in his power to do anything for them. And he loved me, little ole me. Oh, how he loved me.
Russell loved God first and loathed his flesh second. He saw where his spirit could be and where his flesh tripped him from getting there. Such a challenge for most and for a passionate spirit like Russell it was so irritating. The one thing that God has shown me is that Russell is not suffering anymore. That phrase is used a lot when someone is suffering through an illness, like cancer for my Aunt Miia, and it makes sense. In Russell's tragic death, of course, I didn't see it for a while. It's so clear to me now. Like I've shared in post past, I see Russell now as the spirit his flesh never allowed him to be on earth. He is beautiful, fresh as a baby, and heavenly sounds surround him.
Memories of all the sweet-wonderful words, actions, and songs fill my daily life. As do all the coulda's, shoulda's, woulda's. All of the conversations we needed to have, all the goals not met, the 10 fights we had throughout our relationship. With these memories I carry out an un-finished conversation with my late beloved, looking for resolution. Then I hear a new voice, one of peace, it's him. Through prayer and meditation I've been able to tell him how sorry I am for any failures as his wife. Some will not understand, but through his spirit, Russell has told me the same as my husband. The one thing I hear him repeat is "You will live for me."
So through me I will live as Russell always wanted, free, loving, and peaceful. Free from mind numbing worries, open to loving without fear, and for not feeling guilty for taking peaceful retreats. I will continue to live in the TRUTH. I'm just giving in.
To Russell: My dear sweet music man, thank you. For standing up for Christ. For putting Him first in our relationship. For loving me with everything you had. For showing me that true love is real and it can last beyond the grave. For telling me daily of your love and that I was the sweetest, most wonderful wife ever. For telling me you were crazy about me within the first 5 days we knew each other. For telling me that I have beautiful eyebrows. For hugging me in those first days and telling me "this feels like home.". For wanting to spend the rest of your life with me. For telling me you wanted to make babies with me, and we made the most beautiful babies ever. For writing the most beautiful songs for me to dance to, sing to, live by, and love. For being humble. For looking into my eyes, hugging me, kissing me, and loving me everyday like it would be the last time. I'll never forget the last time. Thank you for sharing almost 10 years with me. I love you SugarBearHoneyPie and miss you dearly.
1.05.2010
11.17.2009
Peace
I've been trying to find a way to share the peace that God has blessed me with for the past 2 months. I feel Psalm 85:9-11 sums up what I've felt this past year perfectly...
9 Surely his salvation is near those who fear him,
that his glory may dwell in our land.
10 Love and faithfulness meet together;
righteousness and peace kiss each other.
11 Faithfulness springs forth from the earth,
and righteousness looks down from heaven.
From the beginning of verse 9, He promises us that salvation is near for those who fear Him. Life is so precious, such a gift, fragile. His will is unknown and out of my hands. After Russell died I feared what next!?! Who's next, when, where, and what holiday, birthday, or anniversary will it fall on. Feared I would never heal, that the pain would run my life. Feared I would never remember the good times, and only the tragic night. Feared I would never accept God's will, see His glory, and live in His peace. I knew that He was the only One to heal that which I was fearful of...Him and His will.
Once I confessed all my fears, I could start to see the chance of His glory dwelling around us. Everything that I feared was opened to healing, the promise of healing is here. HOPE! The more I focus on to that hope, the more I see Russell as he is eternally. I remember who he was on this earth, but the spirit that he is finally able to be, is so much more apparent to me. He is complete. So fully alive, Soul-Fully-Alive ;) , his smile is hard to ignore. God shows me daily who Russ is in His full glory and that is a beautiful peace. At times I feel more connected to him because we were united in spirit on this earth under God. What God brings together, no man can separate. It's not just a line at a wedding to me anymore, it's a truth that breeds even more love and faith.
Love and faith meet, and righteousness and peace kiss each other. Isn't that just sweet honey! It's warm, beautiful, and romantic. It's HOME. His glory is love and faith in our lives, and we will strive for righteousness and the peace will over flow. To me righteousness is not about trying to be so perfect you don't live, because you are afraid to sin. It's more about letting go of control and flowing with God's will. Peace and goodness follows. Able to live freely, without worry, without fear, without guilt, not perfect...just GOOD. It is GOOD.
Faith is springing new life, and God is winking from heaven.
10.18.2009
Confess
James 5:16
"Therefore, confess your sins to one another,
and pray for one another so that you may be healed.
The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much."
Ever have one of those days? When you think your life stinks more than the next guy, and you feel you are doing everything you can to just survive the next 24 hours. That you are making every effort to be a responsible and loving human being, but still the world is heavy on your shoulders. Like everyone around you is taking it all for granted and sucking the life out of everyone else, just for their wants.
I had one of those days. After picking my son up from grief camp, I took them to a fast food chain for dinner and playtime. We talked about the camp, goods and bads. What could we do as a family to share feeling, to love, and to heal further in our circumstance.
I'm no stranger to grief; this "ain't" my first rodeo. Losing my aunts and my sister, all at very young ages, was and will always be very painful. The pain never leaves, you just learn to walk with a limp. Of course the death of my husband is totally different, but all the same, a loss is a loss. The only reason it hurts even more is because my two precious babies are hurting and mama cannot kiss this boo-boo away.
So to get back to my point, I am upset and bitter. I am thinking the world owes me something. I then took them to Walmart, one to get some finger nail clippers and two to just get a $3 prize for each of them. (I tend to do that more often, because I just want to see them smile.) After much debate, with Lilli...she is such a girl, we made our way to check out. The lines were full and I was thinking about the meeting at church I was to attend in 30 minutes. So patience was not the first thing on my mind.
I followed a couple into the shortest line and waited. They walked slowly and were even slower to unloaded the few items they had. Then I noticed they were filling out and signing the government coupons for their food. There was a problem, they picked out the 2 Walmart brands of cereal instead of the name brand "government" choices of cereal. The husband ran to get the right brand, while we waited.
THEN I thought to myself, "Great! I'm going to be late, because these "people" can't read to pick out the right cereal. On top of the fact that they are probably here illegally, sucking the tax dollars out of the mouths of Americans."
Please, I do not want this to be a polictical debate, I'm here to confess.
And right there in the check out line, God pressed hard upon my heart. "Samarah, those children need to eat just a much as your's do. Others have helped you, others love you, no matter what their opinion of your life." I am not saying He spoke to me, I'm saying He pressed HARD. Heavier than the weight of the world. Then, I heard Russell, "Buy the cereal."
With tears in my eyes, I watched as another walmart clerk took the 2 boxes to customer service, and shortly after the husband returned with the 1 box of "right brand" cereal. The clerk finished the transaction and the couple slowly put their items into the cart. I told one of the two clerks, "Can you please get that cereal for me?" She said yes and quickly returned. I whispered to the clerk, to please scan the cereal and give it to the couple. She was a little surprised, but was quick to hand it off to the couple leaving the counter.
The wife looked at the clerk and said "This is not mine" and I said "Yes it is." She said thank you. Blessed words, not from her lips alone.
The clerk finished checking out my "wanted" items, then looked at me as I was leaving said "That was really sweet of you." All I could think of were the words spoken by my Pastor not 6 hours earlier, "It was Jesus, baby." (Of course I added the baby, because aren't we all just babes in His eyes!?!) I walked away feeling ashamed. No one knew my hateful thoughts, nor the hard pressed thoughts of the Lord towards them. They all thought I was some sweet lady who bought cereal for a family. But it was Jesus, from beginning to end.
Pastor Jeff asked everyone to find their way to reach others for Christ, mine was serving. I prayed for ways to serve, to give back to anyone the way that Christ has served me. Little did I know that the opportunity would come in way of my sin. Dirty, yet washed clean through Him.
We walked to the car and past the young couple and their two babies. The husband said thank you again, and I nodded "God bless you." Will they ever know how much they have served me? Our eyes will meet across the golden streets, I'm told...I hope. I cried to the Jeep and my children asked why?
I shared with them what had happened. How Mama was wrong and how God, my Daddy, told me I was wrong. My sweet son, precious love, told me "Mom, it's ok. Everybody makes mistakes." It was blessed words, not from his lips alone.
My point being, confess your sins among men. Even if they are your children, they will see, learn, and forgive. In time they will see everyone makes mistakes and everyone can pay for those mistakes, even if it is in the form of 2 boxes of cereal. Even more, when the world is heavy upon your shoulders and you are questioning "Where is my piece of the pie?" It might come in the form of your own faults. In my weakness, He is so much stronger. He presses HARD to serve others and build us up, in HIM.
I am a sinner. I am humbled. I serve. I am humbled. He is glorified.
"Therefore, confess your sins to one another,
and pray for one another so that you may be healed.
The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much."
Ever have one of those days? When you think your life stinks more than the next guy, and you feel you are doing everything you can to just survive the next 24 hours. That you are making every effort to be a responsible and loving human being, but still the world is heavy on your shoulders. Like everyone around you is taking it all for granted and sucking the life out of everyone else, just for their wants.
I had one of those days. After picking my son up from grief camp, I took them to a fast food chain for dinner and playtime. We talked about the camp, goods and bads. What could we do as a family to share feeling, to love, and to heal further in our circumstance.
I'm no stranger to grief; this "ain't" my first rodeo. Losing my aunts and my sister, all at very young ages, was and will always be very painful. The pain never leaves, you just learn to walk with a limp. Of course the death of my husband is totally different, but all the same, a loss is a loss. The only reason it hurts even more is because my two precious babies are hurting and mama cannot kiss this boo-boo away.
So to get back to my point, I am upset and bitter. I am thinking the world owes me something. I then took them to Walmart, one to get some finger nail clippers and two to just get a $3 prize for each of them. (I tend to do that more often, because I just want to see them smile.) After much debate, with Lilli...she is such a girl, we made our way to check out. The lines were full and I was thinking about the meeting at church I was to attend in 30 minutes. So patience was not the first thing on my mind.
I followed a couple into the shortest line and waited. They walked slowly and were even slower to unloaded the few items they had. Then I noticed they were filling out and signing the government coupons for their food. There was a problem, they picked out the 2 Walmart brands of cereal instead of the name brand "government" choices of cereal. The husband ran to get the right brand, while we waited.
THEN I thought to myself, "Great! I'm going to be late, because these "people" can't read to pick out the right cereal. On top of the fact that they are probably here illegally, sucking the tax dollars out of the mouths of Americans."
Please, I do not want this to be a polictical debate, I'm here to confess.
And right there in the check out line, God pressed hard upon my heart. "Samarah, those children need to eat just a much as your's do. Others have helped you, others love you, no matter what their opinion of your life." I am not saying He spoke to me, I'm saying He pressed HARD. Heavier than the weight of the world. Then, I heard Russell, "Buy the cereal."
With tears in my eyes, I watched as another walmart clerk took the 2 boxes to customer service, and shortly after the husband returned with the 1 box of "right brand" cereal. The clerk finished the transaction and the couple slowly put their items into the cart. I told one of the two clerks, "Can you please get that cereal for me?" She said yes and quickly returned. I whispered to the clerk, to please scan the cereal and give it to the couple. She was a little surprised, but was quick to hand it off to the couple leaving the counter.
The wife looked at the clerk and said "This is not mine" and I said "Yes it is." She said thank you. Blessed words, not from her lips alone.
The clerk finished checking out my "wanted" items, then looked at me as I was leaving said "That was really sweet of you." All I could think of were the words spoken by my Pastor not 6 hours earlier, "It was Jesus, baby." (Of course I added the baby, because aren't we all just babes in His eyes!?!) I walked away feeling ashamed. No one knew my hateful thoughts, nor the hard pressed thoughts of the Lord towards them. They all thought I was some sweet lady who bought cereal for a family. But it was Jesus, from beginning to end.
Pastor Jeff asked everyone to find their way to reach others for Christ, mine was serving. I prayed for ways to serve, to give back to anyone the way that Christ has served me. Little did I know that the opportunity would come in way of my sin. Dirty, yet washed clean through Him.
We walked to the car and past the young couple and their two babies. The husband said thank you again, and I nodded "God bless you." Will they ever know how much they have served me? Our eyes will meet across the golden streets, I'm told...I hope. I cried to the Jeep and my children asked why?
I shared with them what had happened. How Mama was wrong and how God, my Daddy, told me I was wrong. My sweet son, precious love, told me "Mom, it's ok. Everybody makes mistakes." It was blessed words, not from his lips alone.
My point being, confess your sins among men. Even if they are your children, they will see, learn, and forgive. In time they will see everyone makes mistakes and everyone can pay for those mistakes, even if it is in the form of 2 boxes of cereal. Even more, when the world is heavy upon your shoulders and you are questioning "Where is my piece of the pie?" It might come in the form of your own faults. In my weakness, He is so much stronger. He presses HARD to serve others and build us up, in HIM.
I am a sinner. I am humbled. I serve. I am humbled. He is glorified.
9.21.2009
UPDATE: I think it's time.
What can I say, I needed a break. It was really out of my control. God put a lot on my plate. I felt like I was at Las Vegas all-you-can-eat-buffet-on Thanksgiving. Then needed to un-zip my pants and nap on the Lazyboy. Looking for a house in the depths of grief was hard and bittersweet. I knew I needed to move, to be closer to family, and leave the home Russ and I shared for almost 5 years. So many memories, it would swallow me when I would go back to pack or clean. They would stop me at the door with a wave of nausea, my breathe frozen, and right before passing out the un-controllable crying would start. (Yeah no way in God's green earth I could live there...ever.) HARD.
But at the same time, I was leaving the memories and starting new ones without him. BITTERSWEET.
When looking for a home I had my must list: good neighborhood, good bones, and something I could take care of on my own. I found everything I needed and more! It was everything Russell would have wanted too. He grew up in a home similar to ours, and I know he loves it. Pictures in post below. It took as long to close on the house as it did to do all the repairs. We removed two trees, several limbs, removed flooring, painted every wall and cabinet, and put in new tile! Thank God I had a 10 day RV-vacation in between all that, but that's another post. Moving weekend was crazy. We had 5 trucks, cabinet men, closet systems installed, re-built stairs, and a few extras. Oh yeah, we also moved furniture and boxes...haha! Doing all this during the summer was fun. Work during the week and LAKE on the weekend. Our first function was Ike's birthday party and it was a success. THEN, I was totally shocked by my surprise birthday/housewarming/fence party. So MUCH fun people! Thank you.
The kids started school and our "new" life started....FOR REAL!
I knew it would happen, I told others...."I'll know what this will REALLY feel like when I'm not living with my mom. When the kids are in school and we are doing the daily life. When dinner is on the table at 6:00, we are sitting down, and Daddy's not walking through the door."
And it has.
I think that because some of the shock has worn off, it's "easier" to handle. But then again, I'm probably just getting used to getting blown away by black clouds. At times, I'm glad that the comforts of home are here to comfort, but at times they are the catalyst to ball-up-on-the-couch-moments. Most people ask "How are you doing?" No lie, it sucks. No lie, I'll get through it. It's just hard to sum up EVERYTHING I've been going through in a little chat. I still get a head ache thinking about everything that has happened this year. The drama alone, whewww!
One constant is and always will be my King. He is my rock, my Daddy, and beloved. He is here. One thing, I haven't shared with many, is that I miss my old relationship with God. I'm not mad at Him and I don't feel that he is punishing me. I just miss the "old us", the way we were. I'm going down a path I never thought He would have lead me down. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained; at times I feel I have nothing left to give. Any time spent with Him, I'm taking and asking for healing peace. He delivers. But there haven't been many days when it's just HIM and ME. Days of pure worship and adoration.
It's usually ME and one of the following "fixer-uppers": ME and my BLAH, Russell, the kids, the family, the friends, the house, the lawyers, the meetings, the police, the depositions, or the "others". I used to go to worship, raise my hands, sing, and laugh. Since January, I freeze. Unable to walk. Tears stream throughout every song and my voice cracks. My hands grip the seat in front of me or each other because I'm shaking. I'm drained, weak, and heartbroken. He is still rocking me, rubbing my cheek, and healing my heart. I am thankful for the handful of "US" days, mmmmm BliSs!!!
I had one Sunday, and someone noticed. I cried when they thanked me.
I know He is not done with me yet, and this trial will display His glory. It's just really hard and tiresome to walk through. I wanna run, but know resting in Him will win the race. So that's the update. Sorry it's been so long. There will be more to come. God bless.
Peace Out.
5.19.2009
Acts 1:8
My meditation brought this to me for the lies told and spread during this nightmare. I asked myself why did "these" people do this to us (our family, friends, and me)? Why lie? Why believe a liar? Why spread what you don't understand? Why protest so much?
"But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you;"
This is why so many of us doubted them and the venom they spoke. That's why so many came running seeking the truth. Those who know the truth will weed out the lies and crush them with power. The power of the Holy Spirit will come upon you and you will know the truth.
Those who do not know the truth will believe the lies, because your heart is filled with lies. You are truly weak and my heart sinks for you. Seek the Holy Spirit.
"But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you;"
This is why so many of us doubted them and the venom they spoke. That's why so many came running seeking the truth. Those who know the truth will weed out the lies and crush them with power. The power of the Holy Spirit will come upon you and you will know the truth.
Those who do not know the truth will believe the lies, because your heart is filled with lies. You are truly weak and my heart sinks for you. Seek the Holy Spirit.
Stand Still
It's been a while since my last post, but my last post is so important to me that it needed it's time. Not to mention, I've been busy with home deadlines, counselor sessions, and meetings. Which most are at a stand still. Any extra time is spent with my children or resting my emotional roller coaster ride.
I had a talk with my dad this morning about set-backs, move forward two spaces and back one. Of course, his simple wisdom always helps me. He said "I don't see you moving back at all, we have only made progress. Right now, we are just standing still." It took me a bit to really let that sink in and really focus on all the progress we have made.
Emotionally and physically, I haven't lost my mind and I have hope. I had a wonderful relationship with a loving man for almost 10 years. No regrets. So wonderful and healthy, in fact, that I'm able to be happy with and for him. Happy, because he is where he has always longed to be, who wouldn't? I can be mad for things unfinished, mistakes made, and shortcomings. So I yell and fuss at him (in my car, I'm crazy! But my crazy leads to healthy.). He says, "I'm sorry"; I forgive and move on.
I have hope for myself. It's hard to not get wrapped up in the "roll" of the young widow. "Poor Samarah, and everything she has gone through." Sympathy and empathy are always welcomed; I want to cry, yell, laugh, and heal with everyone hurting. Although, there are times when the lines of sympathy and pity are blurred by my eyes and pity feels like weakness. It's not anyone's doing, it's just an emotion I didn't know I'd feel so much frustration. I know it's just a tactical tool, used by one I will not speak his name, to keep me down. Used to steal my thunder, rob my joy, and put a wedge of doubt in the core beliefs of hope, faith, and love. So, I image Russell cheering me on, "You're gonna Rock this life, babe. Live it. Love it."
It's hard to wait. I want this nightmare over right now. My mother, of course, had some thoughts to share on that. "You have already forgiven "him" for the accident. You didn't make the choices "that man" made and you don't have to live with them. "He" will probably never admit or say "he" is sorry. So, don't wait on it and get sucked into "his" own personal hell. Because no matter when or what happens the only justice you can count on is God's and the power of forgiveness."
My parents rock. Period.
BUT really, it's so true. Whenever this ends, for me forgiveness will be the end. My first pure thought of "that man" hours after he drove that car was forgiveness. I was pleading with my dad; "He has kids, Daddy. Can we not charge him, Daddy? He's got Russell blood on his hands, he can't live with that. I just want to hold him and let him know I forgive him. It was an accident, Daddy. I want him to know he'll be forgiven."
Little did I know, I will have to forgive him for running away from the scene, for almost an hour. Later, lying and blaming this horrific accident on my husband. Then the latest, denying even KNOWING my husband. The lies just keep surfacing and my forgiveness bank is getting low, for "him" and the others who believed him. My hope and prayers focus on forgiving the future pain endured.
I'm at a stand still....
Stand.
"Be on alert, STAND firm in the faith,
act like men, be strong.
Let all that you do be done in love."
1Corinthians 16:13-14
Still.
"Be STILL, and know that I am God"
(Psalm 46:10)
....and I'll rock it, live it, and love it.
I had a talk with my dad this morning about set-backs, move forward two spaces and back one. Of course, his simple wisdom always helps me. He said "I don't see you moving back at all, we have only made progress. Right now, we are just standing still." It took me a bit to really let that sink in and really focus on all the progress we have made.
Emotionally and physically, I haven't lost my mind and I have hope. I had a wonderful relationship with a loving man for almost 10 years. No regrets. So wonderful and healthy, in fact, that I'm able to be happy with and for him. Happy, because he is where he has always longed to be, who wouldn't? I can be mad for things unfinished, mistakes made, and shortcomings. So I yell and fuss at him (in my car, I'm crazy! But my crazy leads to healthy.). He says, "I'm sorry"; I forgive and move on.
I have hope for myself. It's hard to not get wrapped up in the "roll" of the young widow. "Poor Samarah, and everything she has gone through." Sympathy and empathy are always welcomed; I want to cry, yell, laugh, and heal with everyone hurting. Although, there are times when the lines of sympathy and pity are blurred by my eyes and pity feels like weakness. It's not anyone's doing, it's just an emotion I didn't know I'd feel so much frustration. I know it's just a tactical tool, used by one I will not speak his name, to keep me down. Used to steal my thunder, rob my joy, and put a wedge of doubt in the core beliefs of hope, faith, and love. So, I image Russell cheering me on, "You're gonna Rock this life, babe. Live it. Love it."
It's hard to wait. I want this nightmare over right now. My mother, of course, had some thoughts to share on that. "You have already forgiven "him" for the accident. You didn't make the choices "that man" made and you don't have to live with them. "He" will probably never admit or say "he" is sorry. So, don't wait on it and get sucked into "his" own personal hell. Because no matter when or what happens the only justice you can count on is God's and the power of forgiveness."
My parents rock. Period.
BUT really, it's so true. Whenever this ends, for me forgiveness will be the end. My first pure thought of "that man" hours after he drove that car was forgiveness. I was pleading with my dad; "He has kids, Daddy. Can we not charge him, Daddy? He's got Russell blood on his hands, he can't live with that. I just want to hold him and let him know I forgive him. It was an accident, Daddy. I want him to know he'll be forgiven."
Little did I know, I will have to forgive him for running away from the scene, for almost an hour. Later, lying and blaming this horrific accident on my husband. Then the latest, denying even KNOWING my husband. The lies just keep surfacing and my forgiveness bank is getting low, for "him" and the others who believed him. My hope and prayers focus on forgiving the future pain endured.
I'm at a stand still....
Stand.
"Be on alert, STAND firm in the faith,
act like men, be strong.
Let all that you do be done in love."
1Corinthians 16:13-14
Still.
"Be STILL, and know that I am God"
(Psalm 46:10)
....and I'll rock it, live it, and love it.
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