Stand Still

It's been a while since my last post, but my last post is so important to me that it needed it's time. Not to mention, I've been busy with home deadlines, counselor sessions, and meetings. Which most are at a stand still. Any extra time is spent with my children or resting my emotional roller coaster ride.

I had a talk with my dad this morning about set-backs, move forward two spaces and back one. Of course, his simple wisdom always helps me. He said "I don't see you moving back at all, we have only made progress. Right now, we are just standing still." It took me a bit to really let that sink in and really focus on all the progress we have made.

Emotionally and physically, I haven't lost my mind and I have hope. I had a wonderful relationship with a loving man for almost 10 years. No regrets. So wonderful and healthy, in fact, that I'm able to be happy with and for him. Happy, because he is where he has always longed to be, who wouldn't? I can be mad for things unfinished, mistakes made, and shortcomings. So I yell and fuss at him (in my car, I'm crazy! But my crazy leads to healthy.). He says, "I'm sorry"; I forgive and move on.

I have hope for myself. It's hard to not get wrapped up in the "roll" of the young widow. "Poor Samarah, and everything she has gone through." Sympathy and empathy are always welcomed; I want to cry, yell, laugh, and heal with everyone hurting. Although, there are times when the lines of sympathy and pity are blurred by my eyes and pity feels like weakness. It's not anyone's doing, it's just an emotion I didn't know I'd feel so much frustration. I know it's just a tactical tool, used by one I will not speak his name, to keep me down. Used to steal my thunder, rob my joy, and put a wedge of doubt in the core beliefs of hope, faith, and love. So, I image Russell cheering me on, "You're gonna Rock this life, babe. Live it. Love it."

It's hard to wait. I want this nightmare over right now. My mother, of course, had some thoughts to share on that. "You have already forgiven "him" for the accident. You didn't make the choices "that man" made and you don't have to live with them. "He" will probably never admit or say "he" is sorry. So, don't wait on it and get sucked into "his" own personal hell. Because no matter when or what happens the only justice you can count on is God's and the power of forgiveness."

My parents rock. Period.

BUT really, it's so true. Whenever this ends, for me forgiveness will be the end. My first pure thought of "that man" hours after he drove that car was forgiveness. I was pleading with my dad; "He has kids, Daddy. Can we not charge him, Daddy? He's got Russell blood on his hands, he can't live with that. I just want to hold him and let him know I forgive him. It was an accident, Daddy. I want him to know he'll be forgiven."

Little did I know, I will have to forgive him for running away from the scene, for almost an hour. Later, lying and blaming this horrific accident on my husband. Then the latest, denying even KNOWING my husband. The lies just keep surfacing and my forgiveness bank is getting low, for "him" and the others who believed him. My hope and prayers focus on forgiving the future pain endured.

I'm at a stand still....

Stand.

"Be on alert, STAND firm in the faith,
act like men, be strong.
Let all that you do be done in love."
1Corinthians 16:13-14

Still.

"Be STILL, and know that I am God"
(Psalm 46:10)

....and I'll rock it, live it, and love it.