Confess

James 5:16

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another,
and pray for one another so that you may be healed.
The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much."

Ever have one of those days? When you think your life stinks more than the next guy, and you feel you are doing everything you can to just survive the next 24 hours. That you are making every effort to be a responsible and loving human being, but still the world is heavy on your shoulders. Like everyone around you is taking it all for granted and sucking the life out of everyone else, just for their wants.

I had one of those days. After picking my son up from grief camp, I took them to a fast food chain for dinner and playtime. We talked about the camp, goods and bads. What could we do as a family to share feeling, to love, and to heal further in our circumstance.

I'm no stranger to grief; this "ain't" my first rodeo. Losing my aunts and my sister, all at very young ages, was and will always be very painful. The pain never leaves, you just learn to walk with a limp. Of course the death of my husband is totally different, but all the same, a loss is a loss. The only reason it hurts even more is because my two precious babies are hurting and mama cannot kiss this boo-boo away.

So to get back to my point, I am upset and bitter. I am thinking the world owes me something. I then took them to Walmart, one to get some finger nail clippers and two to just get a $3 prize for each of them. (I tend to do that more often, because I just want to see them smile.) After much debate, with Lilli...she is such a girl, we made our way to check out. The lines were full and I was thinking about the meeting at church I was to attend in 30 minutes. So patience was not the first thing on my mind.

I followed a couple into the shortest line and waited. They walked slowly and were even slower to unloaded the few items they had. Then I noticed they were filling out and signing the government coupons for their food. There was a problem, they picked out the 2 Walmart brands of cereal instead of the name brand "government" choices of cereal. The husband ran to get the right brand, while we waited.

THEN I thought to myself, "Great! I'm going to be late, because these "people" can't read to pick out the right cereal. On top of the fact that they are probably here illegally, sucking the tax dollars out of the mouths of Americans."

Please, I do not want this to be a polictical debate, I'm here to confess.

And right there in the check out line, God pressed hard upon my heart. "Samarah, those children need to eat just a much as your's do. Others have helped you, others love you, no matter what their opinion of your life." I am not saying He spoke to me, I'm saying He pressed HARD. Heavier than the weight of the world. Then, I heard Russell, "Buy the cereal."

With tears in my eyes, I watched as another walmart clerk took the 2 boxes to customer service, and shortly after the husband returned with the 1 box of "right brand" cereal. The clerk finished the transaction and the couple slowly put their items into the cart. I told one of the two clerks, "Can you please get that cereal for me?" She said yes and quickly returned. I whispered to the clerk, to please scan the cereal and give it to the couple. She was a little surprised, but was quick to hand it off to the couple leaving the counter.

The wife looked at the clerk and said "This is not mine" and I said "Yes it is." She said thank you. Blessed words, not from her lips alone.

The clerk finished checking out my "wanted" items, then looked at me as I was leaving said "That was really sweet of you." All I could think of were the words spoken by my Pastor not 6 hours earlier, "It was Jesus, baby." (Of course I added the baby, because aren't we all just babes in His eyes!?!) I walked away feeling ashamed. No one knew my hateful thoughts, nor the hard pressed thoughts of the Lord towards them. They all thought I was some sweet lady who bought cereal for a family. But it was Jesus, from beginning to end.

Pastor Jeff asked everyone to find their way to reach others for Christ, mine was serving. I prayed for ways to serve, to give back to anyone the way that Christ has served me. Little did I know that the opportunity would come in way of my sin. Dirty, yet washed clean through Him.

We walked to the car and past the young couple and their two babies. The husband said thank you again, and I nodded "God bless you." Will they ever know how much they have served me? Our eyes will meet across the golden streets, I'm told...I hope. I cried to the Jeep and my children asked why?

I shared with them what had happened. How Mama was wrong and how God, my Daddy, told me I was wrong. My sweet son, precious love, told me "Mom, it's ok. Everybody makes mistakes." It was blessed words, not from his lips alone.

My point being, confess your sins among men. Even if they are your children, they will see, learn, and forgive. In time they will see everyone makes mistakes and everyone can pay for those mistakes, even if it is in the form of 2 boxes of cereal. Even more, when the world is heavy upon your shoulders and you are questioning "Where is my piece of the pie?" It might come in the form of your own faults. In my weakness, He is so much stronger. He presses HARD to serve others and build us up, in HIM.

I am a sinner. I am humbled. I serve. I am humbled. He is glorified.

House

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UPDATE: I think it's time.

What can I say, I needed a break. It was really out of my control. God put a lot on my plate. I felt like I was at Las Vegas all-you-can-eat-buffet-on Thanksgiving. Then needed to un-zip my pants and nap on the Lazyboy. Looking for a house in the depths of grief was hard and bittersweet. I knew I needed to move, to be closer to family, and leave the home Russ and I shared for almost 5 years. So many memories, it would swallow me when I would go back to pack or clean. They would stop me at the door with a wave of nausea, my breathe frozen, and right before passing out the un-controllable crying would start. (Yeah no way in God's green earth I could live there...ever.) HARD.

But at the same time, I was leaving the memories and starting new ones without him. BITTERSWEET.

When looking for a home I had my must list: good neighborhood, good bones, and something I could take care of on my own. I found everything I needed and more! It was everything Russell would have wanted too. He grew up in a home similar to ours, and I know he loves it. Pictures in post below. It took as long to close on the house as it did to do all the repairs. We removed two trees, several limbs, removed flooring, painted every wall and cabinet, and put in new tile! Thank God I had a 10 day RV-vacation in between all that, but that's another post. Moving weekend was crazy. We had 5 trucks, cabinet men, closet systems installed, re-built stairs, and a few extras. Oh yeah, we also moved furniture and boxes...haha! Doing all this during the summer was fun. Work during the week and LAKE on the weekend. Our first function was Ike's birthday party and it was a success. THEN, I was totally shocked by my surprise birthday/housewarming/fence party. So MUCH fun people! Thank you.

The kids started school and our "new" life started....FOR REAL!

I knew it would happen, I told others...."I'll know what this will REALLY feel like when I'm not living with my mom. When the kids are in school and we are doing the daily life. When dinner is on the table at 6:00, we are sitting down, and Daddy's not walking through the door."

And it has.

I think that because some of the shock has worn off, it's "easier" to handle. But then again, I'm probably just getting used to getting blown away by black clouds. At times, I'm glad that the comforts of home are here to comfort, but at times they are the catalyst to ball-up-on-the-couch-moments. Most people ask "How are you doing?" No lie, it sucks. No lie, I'll get through it. It's just hard to sum up EVERYTHING I've been going through in a little chat. I still get a head ache thinking about everything that has happened this year. The drama alone, whewww!

One constant is and always will be my King. He is my rock, my Daddy, and beloved. He is here. One thing, I haven't shared with many, is that I miss my old relationship with God. I'm not mad at Him and I don't feel that he is punishing me. I just miss the "old us", the way we were. I'm going down a path I never thought He would have lead me down. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained; at times I feel I have nothing left to give. Any time spent with Him, I'm taking and asking for healing peace. He delivers. But there haven't been many days when it's just HIM and ME. Days of pure worship and adoration.
It's usually ME and one of the following "fixer-uppers": ME and my BLAH, Russell, the kids, the family, the friends, the house, the lawyers, the meetings, the police, the depositions, or the "others". I used to go to worship, raise my hands, sing, and laugh. Since January, I freeze. Unable to walk. Tears stream throughout every song and my voice cracks. My hands grip the seat in front of me or each other because I'm shaking. I'm drained, weak, and heartbroken. He is still rocking me, rubbing my cheek, and healing my heart. I am thankful for the handful of "US" days, mmmmm BliSs!!!

I had one Sunday, and someone noticed. I cried when they thanked me.

I know He is not done with me yet, and this trial will display His glory. It's just really hard and tiresome to walk through. I wanna run, but know resting in Him will win the race. So that's the update. Sorry it's been so long. There will be more to come. God bless.

Peace Out.

Acts 1:8

My meditation brought this to me for the lies told and spread during this nightmare. I asked myself why did "these" people do this to us (our family, friends, and me)? Why lie? Why believe a liar? Why spread what you don't understand? Why protest so much?

"But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you;"

This is why so many of us doubted them and the venom they spoke. That's why so many came running seeking the truth. Those who know the truth will weed out the lies and crush them with power. The power of the Holy Spirit will come upon you and you will know the truth.

Those who do not know the truth will believe the lies, because your heart is filled with lies. You are truly weak and my heart sinks for you. Seek the Holy Spirit.

Stand Still

It's been a while since my last post, but my last post is so important to me that it needed it's time. Not to mention, I've been busy with home deadlines, counselor sessions, and meetings. Which most are at a stand still. Any extra time is spent with my children or resting my emotional roller coaster ride.

I had a talk with my dad this morning about set-backs, move forward two spaces and back one. Of course, his simple wisdom always helps me. He said "I don't see you moving back at all, we have only made progress. Right now, we are just standing still." It took me a bit to really let that sink in and really focus on all the progress we have made.

Emotionally and physically, I haven't lost my mind and I have hope. I had a wonderful relationship with a loving man for almost 10 years. No regrets. So wonderful and healthy, in fact, that I'm able to be happy with and for him. Happy, because he is where he has always longed to be, who wouldn't? I can be mad for things unfinished, mistakes made, and shortcomings. So I yell and fuss at him (in my car, I'm crazy! But my crazy leads to healthy.). He says, "I'm sorry"; I forgive and move on.

I have hope for myself. It's hard to not get wrapped up in the "roll" of the young widow. "Poor Samarah, and everything she has gone through." Sympathy and empathy are always welcomed; I want to cry, yell, laugh, and heal with everyone hurting. Although, there are times when the lines of sympathy and pity are blurred by my eyes and pity feels like weakness. It's not anyone's doing, it's just an emotion I didn't know I'd feel so much frustration. I know it's just a tactical tool, used by one I will not speak his name, to keep me down. Used to steal my thunder, rob my joy, and put a wedge of doubt in the core beliefs of hope, faith, and love. So, I image Russell cheering me on, "You're gonna Rock this life, babe. Live it. Love it."

It's hard to wait. I want this nightmare over right now. My mother, of course, had some thoughts to share on that. "You have already forgiven "him" for the accident. You didn't make the choices "that man" made and you don't have to live with them. "He" will probably never admit or say "he" is sorry. So, don't wait on it and get sucked into "his" own personal hell. Because no matter when or what happens the only justice you can count on is God's and the power of forgiveness."

My parents rock. Period.

BUT really, it's so true. Whenever this ends, for me forgiveness will be the end. My first pure thought of "that man" hours after he drove that car was forgiveness. I was pleading with my dad; "He has kids, Daddy. Can we not charge him, Daddy? He's got Russell blood on his hands, he can't live with that. I just want to hold him and let him know I forgive him. It was an accident, Daddy. I want him to know he'll be forgiven."

Little did I know, I will have to forgive him for running away from the scene, for almost an hour. Later, lying and blaming this horrific accident on my husband. Then the latest, denying even KNOWING my husband. The lies just keep surfacing and my forgiveness bank is getting low, for "him" and the others who believed him. My hope and prayers focus on forgiving the future pain endured.

I'm at a stand still....

Stand.

"Be on alert, STAND firm in the faith,
act like men, be strong.
Let all that you do be done in love."
1Corinthians 16:13-14

Still.

"Be STILL, and know that I am God"
(Psalm 46:10)

....and I'll rock it, live it, and love it.

Anniversary of a New Life

It's Thankful Thursday and a "day" for me. Nine years ago today I started fresh. I became a new creation in Christ.

There is a story, but no need to go into detail. I had been longing for something more. More understanding, more peace, more love and more truth. I had so many questions that were answered, and so many avenues I wondered down, but they all left me wanting more. What was I missing? Because I still felt the disconnect.

So I walked alone, looked up at the sky, and asked the question. "If you are who you say you are, then show yourself to me. What am I missing? Show yourself." Oh a challenge!?!

And He did in a big way. BIG! All the while speaking to me in a big gentle voice. "Samarah, you do know me and I am who you know me to be. I am the Alpha and the Omega. I am the Creator of all things. You are missing One. You know me, but you do not know my Son. He IS. See Him now, know Him now, love Him now. Now Go."

I saw His face. I went and told them. I screamed "I'm a fool, I'm a fool!" and Russell knew. He held me and said "Oh thank God you know now." Russell and Corey prayed with me, and we talked about how my old body will become a new creation in Him. I am a masterpiece.

He is faithful to me, He loves me, He trusts me, and He LONGS for me to return HOME. And I will wait for Him. After a few years I thought His greatness and wonder in my life would fade, but it's only gotten stronger. I thought I would turn away after countless worldly disappointments, but He holds me closer. I worried that His truth would go back to the fairy tale, I once thought it was, but His word is REAL perfection backward and forward. One God speaking through many, all telling of The One Love coming to bring back many to One God. I wondered if my faith in Him would be seen as "High and Mighty", but His example of a humble servant has been the broken record in my mind.

Finally, I am NOT in control. I rest in His arms during the doubt and hold His hands when called on His mission. At last my fate is sealed and peace is restored. I lean not on my understanding, but His. It is in His hands. Where He is, I will be, holding Me. My true Romance.

Happy Anniversary my Sweet Beloved.

"My lover spoke and said to me,
arise my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.
See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone."
Song of Songs 2:10-11

Thankful Thursday

Just one....Russell helped me to become a dog lover.

I was once afraid of dogs, did not like their smell, and never dreamed of enjoying sloppy kisses. Russell got O'hura as a puppy 6 weeks into our relationship, that will be 10 years in October. She is a great, loving, sneaky character. She loves my children. We both love to dance in the yard together. I love her sweet smile greeting us when we get home. The way her tails wags over her back and right side, because it's not just a regular tail...it's curly and precious. She always paws the ground and circles 3 times before laying down for the night.

Cajun, our puppy, was Russell's dream dog. Growing up with labs all his life, he always said he wanted another as an adult. Cajun is precious, my baby boy. I fell in love at first sight. Seeing how O'hura was Russell's first little girl, Cajun was my boy. Our family feels complete with him...it was 3boys and 3girls. I like even numbers. He is fun, happy, loving, and smart. I love his deep brown eyes and love to please. He is super fast, loves to play, and is a so funny in water!

We miss our pups and can't wait to move in with them by our sides. My children miss their playmates; I know they will cherish their relationships with their dogs so much when older. Here's to O'hura and Cajun, no one can pronounce her name and he will forever be a coon-ass. This is what you get when you watch Marley and Me.