I am Sam's Raging Tea Kettle

Stop me if you've heard this one:
A woman walks into her counselor's office. The counselor asks the usual, "So, how have you been since we last met?" The woman says, "Oh, not so good. I've had terrible migraines for the past 2 weeks. I thought I had 6 in two weeks, but my doctor says it was just one I never got rid of." The counselor, with her head hung low, says, "My dear, migraines are pent up rage." and the woman bursts into tears.

Yep, that was me and my beautiful counselor, Tina. (I love her.) She sat back as I cried. Huge tears of pain and confusion, then she shed some herself. All the terrible dreams I had for the last weeks flooded my thoughts while I rocked back and forth, and my tears couldn't keep up. Awful dreams: Me, standing in front of the house in the snow with only undergarments on; steam pouring from my eyes as I stare into the windows; the eyes of a home filled with darkness and I am burning with the flames of truth. Me, flying by on a bike while she waters her precious plants, she is tired of the reminder, so she sprays me with the hose; she misses and can't keep up with me, she falls. I walk up to her, she flinches, but all I do is stare into the eyes of a liar. Each dream would take me to them, they would flinch in horror as to what I might do...and all I do is stare. Stare so hard their pupils are brunt into mine.

"Is that why I am having these awful dreams?" I asked her after sobbing. "Yes, you are not speaking your truth, your anger. It is building up, causing the shoulders and neck to tense and blocks circulation to the brain. There could be other factors, but these are mostly caused by rage. Depression is suppressed anger; Migraines are pent up rage." "Haven't I gone through anger, though?" "Oh, you're at peace with Russell passing, but this other crap is not allowing you to move on. It's pissing me off now; you don't deserve this."

I am tired of sounding like a broken record, to myself. Not all hear the ins and outs of my drama, it would consume everything; just not fair to relationships, really. Then I realized I am not a broken record, I'm a tea pot without a spout! No one's tipping me over, pouring me out, and I sure as hell ain't enjoying any tea. I've been on the back burner for 2 years and 2 months!

I keep thinking, "Ok, this sucks but you gotta put your big girl pants on and move forward. You gotta find the joy in life and make the best of it. Put your game face on, Boo Boo. Make the life you've always wanted." Um, OK. check, check, check.

There's me, making an effort of moving forward....and bam it's the first of the month and here comes the letter..."On this date, there is a calendar call for "this" case. You as the VICTIM are more than welcome to be present. If the defendant pleas "not guilty" the trial will be the following week."

 So I think...prepare for battle even though this is not yours, prepare anyway cause your kids can't tend to themselves. OK, prepare. THEN, the day before the calendar call the victims advacate will call me and say, "Well we know the trial won't be this month, because __________(fill in some excuse I've heard them all.) so we aren't having the calendar call. So it might be this summer, or this fall, but we really can't say for sure. Talk to you next month." Really?

Yes, Really.

Yeah, back on the burner. Boiling over. Steaming. Piping hot and this kettle is going to blow. Not just with the simple, "I'm pissed that accident killed my husband...." Which I am, but news flash....he chose to get in the PASSENGER seat. So, I'm at peace with the choices of a man, my husband, and his fate. ACCIDENTS HAPPEN, but people CHOOSE TO RUN AWAY and LIE. So, my anger goes deeper than any of those dimwits could every think it could go. And there is my first one:

*I'm pissed they EVER mistook my kindness for being naive or stupid; yes, I'm the one who kept quiet while you spouted off like a fool, because debating with a fool just makes me look like one too. So for years, I kept quiet and simply loved on you...years, I tell you, years.
*I'm pissed I won't copy and paste the "ever so thoughtful" emails I received from one "sweet Mississippi southern belle", asking me to "please fill her in on how the trial is going, because she really cares, is inspired by my faith, and how I'm handling everything." AND THEN a week later takes a picture with "the fools"?? Really?? Why don't you ask them yourself? Here honey, here's your first lesson in faith...ASK QUESTIONS. (all these "exchanges" made me raise a couple questions myself, trust no one.)

*I'm pissed that I didn't go to law school. Now, I can't grill each and every one of you myself; even though it wouldn't be that hard, because what I have in black and white is pretty clear that none of you have the same story or don't really recall what happened. But I don't want to "grill" you. I want you to have the pleasure of meeting me.

*I'm pissed neither of you never really had the pleasure in meeting us. Now, just me. I'm actually a really nice person, even fun to be around. I like to dance, create art of all kinds, love on my babies and Jesus, my face is off-center, I don't wear much make-up, and TELL THE TRUTH.

 What are you REALLY like? Cause I bet you are so much more than the worthless lies you allowed yourself to become...you should meet who you really are sometime, it's an eyeopener.
*I'm pissed you doubt my compassion for you, that you thought of only yourself. (Don't tell me you thought of your kids, cause that's a lie; what you are really doing is blaming your kids for running. father of the year!) I thought of you and your family. I PRAYED over every one of you, EVERY ONE of you. That we would heal TOGETHER, that we would make it out of this TOGETHER. I heard the promise of God's glory, and you only heard the promise of a selfish heart. It's the only thing that will sing to you around the lake from here on out.
*I'm pissed you are making this about YOU. Interrupting the lives of people you have never met with your cowardly delay. Infecting families, friendships, and future relationships with your sick choices that will painfully haunt them for years (I'm not just talking about me and mine, you've got children too, BRO!).

*I'm pissed I have to wait on this stupid trial to make out my school schedule, my plans for vacations, and even holidays. I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS. And the "legals" keep saying, "just keep moving on with your life." OH, OK! What about when I want to go to Disney this October, CAUSE MY KIDS DESERVE IT...

...but oops we might have the trial. Is that moving forward with OUR LIFE? Or is that waiting on the Willoughby's? or the Price's? Or the legal system? Could somebody please stand up and tell the truth?
*I'm pissed that these are the same people, all four of them, who claim they would give the shirt off their backs for anyone, fight to death in a fox-hole, peace. Nope. It's the same old, "one family is already ruined, why hurt another" routine. Oh, ok really looking out for the greater good there, peace, inner peace is right around the corner...Here, let ME RETURN YOUR MARBLES.
*I'm pissed, I can't get a straight anything. Man to WOMAN, eye to eye...You're sorry and I forgive you, now go away forever and leave me alone. No, you aren't even able to look me in the eye or even exit past me; Yes, we all watched as you snuck down the back stairs to avoid passing us...just like you ran away the first time. Think you're good at running, don't you? I bet his screams still follow you. Sleep tight.
*AND mostly, I really wanted to hit my 10year anniversary with him, in the flesh...so I had to get this off my chest before it came. Yes, I'm pissed my marriage ended not on my terms. While others waste time, lie, and bow out.We fought for it, loved on it, and treasured it.

Ding ding, it's tea time. Drink up..."get the picture?". And lurkers do me a favor leave a comment say hi; I heard I had some fans. Bring'em out, stand up...one lump or two?