Purge and Peace

After the holidays I was full, so full in fact that if someone were to push me over I would spill out; almost wished someone would. It was getting uncomfortable. Purge. Most of my feelings were ones of memories; missing our family traditions, staying in our cozy home, Christmas lights on happy faces, New Year songs and embracing. These feelings are sad. As much as I loath feeling them, I don't mind visiting them because I know it's growth for my soul. Peace.

Yet, I dislike being invaded by the legal issues that involve our tragic event. Most times I just want to scream into the faces and hearts which are void of feeling and love, "I don't think about you! You chose this, not me! Please let me grieve, alone." Purge. But I can't, nor do I believe they will hear what I am saying from deep within my core. "I love people, but choose not to harbor their choices. You left him alone, left me alone. I would have hugged you and you would have heard my forgiveness. Now, your ears are blocked by the lies of your own doing. My heart aches for you." Peace.

A new year brings resolution, right. I wanted a solution. I wanted the story that is my life, not to be my life. During the holiday I had a wonderful meeting with my Holy Father and with Him, he brought my beloved. I silently pleaded with Him, "please take this from me, I don't want this to be my life, I don't want this to be my story. My aches and wounds fall on deaf ears, for my pain is not only the one of losing, but the one of my compassion being misunderstood. At times I don't want to feel sorrow for them, I want to hate, but the depth of lies and wall of pride they have built around them breaks my heart. I don't want the pain, the grief, the horrible flash backs. I don't want memories, I want us. I don't wanna be me." Purge.

"So be Me."          Peace.

So I'm sure most of you are thinking, "who does she think she is now, GOD!?!" Those who have heard the term, "living through Christ" might understand me a little more. I have done this before in my walk, loving others through a wall of Christ, instead of my judgemental self. But this was different. So here goes, what I got from this simple three word sentence was, I don't have to be the me of my past or the tainted one of my future. I can be the me of His future. I am able to go to His quiet place and be engulfed by love. I am able to sit in His silence of grace and hear the song of my future. I am able to rest in His arms and allow Him to heal the deepest wounds, we are so easily able to push down, but so afraid to visit. Push aside the doubtful, hurt, bitter, tired me and be everything in Him.

I allowed the shadows to come back in and block the light at my feet. Member that light, Samarah? Don't allow someones choices smut out your light. Purge. Don't be a fool and doubt the power of God. Go back to the beginning of the nightmare when my prayers were lifted up for ALL. When I believed and knew that God's healing grace would heal EVERYONE. When God flooded me with so much compassion for a man who hours before caused the death of my husband, that all I wanted to do was hug him until he felt forgiven. I believed, I had faith, I knew love would prevail, and we would ALL have peace. Peace.

Foolishly, other men and women felt the need to take control. Other men and women tightened their grip and doubted the will of God. They doubted the power of God, His mercy, and His LOVE. Fear and worry took over and now they are not as bright as they used to be. Darkness follows. Peace is absent. Purge.

To me peace is not the lack of pain nor the abundance of pleasure. To me it is embracing the circumstances, release our grip of control, and allow God to intercede every part of our efforts. Faith is restored and we really embrace God's plan for us. Note: I did not say "plan for someone else", "plan for US." Peace.

At the end of my meeting, my encounter, on a winter day, the afternoon light filled my room. On my empty bed, tears covered my pillow and his spirit whispered,

"Come back here, you shine brighter. Come here, come home."
"But it's painful, to feel you here in spirit, but not have you in the flesh."
"I didn't marry your flesh, sweetie."

I am not my flesh. Purge. I am who He says I am. I will walk in. Peace.