COWARD

Let's cover a few things you seem to be looking over, because judging from Monday's interaction you're not the sharpest tool in the shed. Before we get started, some legal advice: don't talk to the victim in any case without your lawyer being present. It's not appropriate. Even though I'm glad I have evidence of your piss poor character, evidence you're a bad lair, and a great material for the Gregory Brothers to shift your bull into a catchy song, YOUR lawyer will not be so happy. You don't wanna waste all your hard earned dough; your children NEED IT!

#1. Don't put words in my mouth. I never made you out to be a monster, that is something you came up with all on your own. You ran from a burning father and husband, from witnesses helping you (sitting you down three different times because you tried to run), and from a fire truck that came five minutes after you crashed the car. FACT. I simply call you what you are, a coward.

#2. Unless you are ready to apologize, which means admitting you are wrong and showing remorse for you actions, do not approach the victim of this crime. Yes, my children and I are the victims in this case, Gwinnett County Court System informs me every month of this FACT. Apparently, they ALSO feel there is enough EVIDENCE to charge you with FOUR indictments of Vehicular Homicide and Neglect. FACT! This is not my fight, I already won that one...remember? It was about four years ago when your lawyers advised you to roll over. FACT! I'm not there to prove anything; I'm there to represent my children! I KNOW what happened and I don't lose sleep trying to convince you of what I believe...that's YOU.

#3. Note, when you are backed into a corner by the courts and your lawyer knows you are such a lost cause that he doesn't make time to show up for you, stop talking about yourself to me. No one cares about your suffering. Until you lose a child or have to tell your children they lost their parent...DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT SUFFERING. The only reason you suffer is because you are not treating your real affliction...you WERE driving the car that night, you ARE responsible for the death of Russell, and you LEFT his burning body in a ditch. FACT! 

#4. Choose your words wisely. I NEVER testified nor do I have a testimony. Hello genius, you haven't been to trial yet. I simply told the investigator what I saw and it wasn't flames. You have no clue of what I saw or how well I remember that night.

#5. Irrelevant. It is irrelevant if Russell asked you one time or many times to drive the car he told his friend looked like a "cheesy calendar car for boys in middle school", YOU were in the driver's seat leaving the driveway. So stop waving your hands around, your body language screams, ACTING, LAIR, etc. Everyone else heard you ask Russell in the basement at the bar. It was around 7:30 and I heard you ask four times, FACT! Only you and Josh Price say Russell asked; which is funny considering you and Josh contradict each other on which direction you turned out of the neighborhood OR just par for course for you fools.

#6. Which brings me to my next point, be objective and borrow a brain. Yes, I'm going to determine what I believe upon reviewing the evidence, not what I "want to believe", but objectively reading through the material. Like the depositions of your ex-wife Kim, Josh and Rachel Price, and the Garners. Your ex-wife was totally lying for you (I've highlighted the page, it's pretty funny) which is the reason why I don't believe her, (not because she cheated on you) but good job throwing her under the bus. Wonder what she would say today? Maybe you can confront her the next time you're in court together. The Price's are clueless and it's sad they believe you; they'd probably buy a car from you too. And then we come to the Garners, WOW. Yep, those two men are sorely disappointed in you, boy. It started when you refused to go back to the scene the first time, and a second time, and a third. AND you forgot your "four fire extinguishers", darn....you might have to run back and get them.

#7. Grow a pair and get yourself checked. For the love of everything that is good and holy, please do not whine to me about your ex-wife cheating on you...like you are "suffering here, there's a lot of suffering here". What did you think was going to happen, when you chose to run, lie, and cheat together. The DEATH of a loved one is nothing like a divorce; it is insulting for ANYONE to compare a divorce to the loss of a spouse or child (just for future reference). You had a choice to end your marriage, I DID NOT!!!!! SOOOOOOOOOO, CRY ME A RIVER!!!! Your wife (a liar) doesn't want to sleep with the coward and liar anymore... AND you're surprised!?!?! I don't know who would...Oh wait. Yes, I do and so did Russell. Weird.

#8. Be a MAN. Way to wait until my dad wasn't there to confront me, classy. Character, true character. Again, you're coward.

#9. Don't underestimate me. Don't for any reason think that I am naive as to how this all will play out in court. I UNDERSTAND completely how the evidence will be presented and what the jury needs to find you guilty on every count. I AM RESOLVED in the HUGE chance that because there was not one living soul who can testify they saw your hands on the wheel at the time of impact, you'll slide under the radar. So when you think this will be over because the courts are done with you, it won't be. This will haunt you for the rest of your life. There aren't enough conversations you can have with me or any one else to take that memory away from you, until you come clean. If you were innocent you wouldn't care what kind of monster I made you out to be; why does my opinion matter to you so much that you have to convince me of your innocence? Classic guilt move...get a counselor. Truth moves forward; Lairs spend their lives convincing themselves of what they want to be true. I'm settle in the truth, it's called peace. You might get there one day, we're all still praying for you. For real.

#10. Prepare or Plea. YOU WILL be held accountable for the other counts against you. You are a neglectful coward. FACT! So instead of wasting your sorry excuse for a story, your poor explanation for your "flash backs",  and your ridiculous hand gestures on someone who has nothing to do with Gwinnett County Court (that would be me). Go to your LAWYER and start your plea process.

Cornerstones

We live everyday in Russell's honor. We live with the small hint of his whisper, "Don't relive it, LIVE."

Each "New Year's Day" it's gets harder to remember your life and honor your passing without remembering each detail of that day. I remember every minute, every second of the every last moment with you. The other edge is the shrug of your shoulders, Todd's flippant attitude towards the deadly drive, the sound of the car as it passed me, the look on Josh's face as he told me, and the pounding floor cracking my foot.

What kills me, I know they are remembering their version of what happened too. Every year. I don't fear their version, I don't fear forgetting, I don't fear a cold heart, and I don't fear death. What I fear, because I feared it for myself...is that they will never heal. I am past the fear of not healing, because I am. I continue to take the proper steps to full wellness. Step one, being stone cold honest, blunt, hard to swallow honest. With yourself and the choices of people we love.

It's not always pretty, but neither was Calvary.

Who are you to say I wouldn't forgive you, I wouldn't help you, I wouldn't hold you, I wouldn't kick your ass and drive you to a counselor to talk about your inner brat. The first mistake we make as human beings is that we doubt the power of love, trust, and faith; our first step to being a fool. After all this time, I know now I am not a fool. I believe in the power of love, I believe in the forgiveness of sin, I trust in ways of which I do not understand, and have faith that one day it will all make sense. And if it doesn't I had fun dancing and a pure heart is the blessing.

Year four, there is no date for the trial. I watch as the walls of the court room and the faces inside grow smaller and smaller around Todd. I don't hate Todd, I pity him. Well, I do get pissed off because this is such a waste of time, but whatever it's his dime. (Which will run out soon and be the tax payer dime, so just chew on that...NICE.) But seriously, it's a shame that because he is a fool *see above* he didn't trust me. Some where a long time ago someone didn't hug him. Fools breed fools. This is why I still pray for the healing of Josh, Rachel, Kim, and Todd. And I pray for their children. I always have, BECAUSE I knew that this would BREAK them. And for the Willoughby family, I hear it has. Pray for their children.

Because even though, year four has brought a detail to my daughter's life that makes me weep every time I think of it, I cannot imagine the heartache, distrust, and misunderstanding the Willoughby children will face in their lives ahead of them. Homes aren't built or kept on a foundation of lies.

 My baby had her daddy for four years. A solid loving rock. I will spend the rest of her years speaking the truth. A solid loving rock.

Sticks and Stones

I looked at my back yard, once buying the property and knew I needed a fire pit. We had many memories around the fire and so many left in ashes. I knew it would take me some time to complete it and I knew it would be somewhat of a emotional milestone for me. Embracing the moment, I dug in. I shifted the dirt around, dug a hole, and moved the stones. I could feel the different sizes of clay, rock, or clumps moving from mound to mound, forming something that was once unusable to now something of use.

It was emotional. It was hard work too. I was hot and sweaty. As I dug the memories of fire side chats came up, like flames from warm over-night embers. The calm state of peace that comes over me while doing yard work settled within me and the flames of my past grew even warmer. Finally, I admitted I missed you.

We weren't that far off. Not many people understood you, but I did to a degree. I didn't always agree with you and you were somewhat okay with those differences. Not many liked you, but I gave you a chance. Even after all of this I can still say, I'm glad I did. You reminded me of someone. Someone who, did not give me a chance. I can't say I whole heartily gave them one either being so much history between us. And now they are gone...as well.

So giving into trust, I gave you a chance. Went out on a limb for someone who was trying. I give you credit for at least trying. I understand your wanting for friendships and welcoming everyone into the fold. Always inviting and gathering friends together. For a time, I felt there was something sweet about it. Yet, in the back of my mind I wondered if you too would turn on me. I thought those feelings were trust issues. Even still I set boundaries, so that I would protect not only myself and family, but the relationship I thought ours "could" be...I thought down the road, it could be something deeper. First crops are never the hardiest; mature plants are nurtured.

And now I understand, it was not I who let her guard down or allowed you pass the boundary.

It was you, who never set any.

I understand you were doing the best you knew how to do at the time. I understand the confusion you must have felt. I understand that your nature or normal way of dealing with others was not what was needed at the time, but the only tools you had to work with. I understand and know your heartache, a friend was lost to another realm and another lost by choice mere miles away. I still pray for your heart, as silly as that sounds, but really, I do.

Dear One, wash over me in kindness and make my words clear. I lift up those who have hurt me and I pray I understand their choices and their fear. I pray that they will one day understand my decision to end the friendship. That one day they will quietly admit their wrong doings. Reveal to them the things you have opened my eyes to see, and show them where I too went wrong. Place on their hearts the tears I shed for them, for the events of the night, and the guilt I place on myself for not doing more to stop them. Press into them the deep tissues of tears from my heart and that they are not only for my beloved. Share with them the image that I so clearly saw and that my words or thought process are not rooted in bitterness, but one of truth. I beg of You, with heavy heart, share with them the pain I feel for the choices they have made that will haunt them. Guide me grace and send it to them; That they feel the hug of forgiveness I will never be able to physically give to them. Rest in them the understanding that my heart is not one of self-righteousness, but one that deeply, deeply longs for everyone to simply be nice to one another. Ultimately loving one another. Show them I've always wanted to just do the right thing, not just because I was told to do it, but because nothing else feels as good as a heart full of pure intentions. Ultimate love. I lift these intentions up to you, Lord, in Your Holy name of Love. Amen.

I finished the pit. I buried my anger within the rocks and the dirt. I prayed with every clump of dirt that the fires of our future would refine the jagged edges of my heart. With every flame melting away the scars of bitterness; refiners fire and mold the scars around the new heart of forgiveness. I saw a vision of new fires, with bright faces laughing and singing, and tending to the flames with as much care as I. Even though a fire was not built that night, I welcomed my guest with a heart of trust even with boundaries up. My son's smile was the first to see the flames and it was a start.

1953 days later....grow UPdate

Todd Willoughby is still a liar. His wife, Kim Willoughby, supports him. Which means she is also a liar, weak, or both...probably both. Josh Price is still equally as weak, I "assure" you. ;) Not to mention his wife Rachel Price...just sheep following sheep.

No growth in any of these human beings, which is sad. I'm not trying to be rude, unkind, or mean...it's simply the truth. And it might make you mad, or sick of hearing it, and maybe that will urge you to do something about it. I would have been just fine with one, "I'm sorry." That's growth.

But yet again, I hear an excuse for another day. I and others, who love Russell, are pushed aside for nothing. Just to wait on others, who don't want growth. They want the same ole, same ole...just drive it like you stole it, right!?! A motto you can't even claim anymore, because it speaks volumes of your immature character and how quickly you drove around the curve. Steal what you cannot grow yourself. Drive, because you have none, of any real purpose that is. Lie about who you are, cause you cannot stand to see what you are really made of...nothing worth speaking of to begin with.

My personally growth is a different story, one I keep to myself because it is all I have left. BUT I am doing pretty freaking fantastic. Considering, I've been through more crap, more heartache, more errands, more housework, more work, more counseling, more praying, more forgiving, more loving, than any of those people have ever done, probably in their lives! AND maybe that's WHY! (Different breeds at different speeds; grow UP!)

With this perspective I still have hope, that a child will make a decision to act like an adult and end this sham.

"20 Seconds of Courage!"

I yelled at a man over a parking lot. I was not angry. I was pleading with the only broken heart that can end the misery he started. There were hedges and 40 yard between us. I stood in a circle. This time he was just walking away.

The night before I watched "We Bought a Zoo" with my children. They had seen it before and Lilli wanted me to watch the movie. I couldn't make it through the first time, too many memories surfaced under my scars. They were excited about the movie and felt a connection with the two children characters, so I made myself watch. Walking into the kitchen at some points, squeezing the kitchen sink hoping that it will hold me up, remembering the pain, depression, and deep hole left in my heart after our loss, and then returning with a red face and popcorn. Remembering my children's first months without their Daddy, and trying to heal "my littles" with whatever strength I had left in me at the time. I MADE myself watch the movie, because it was important to my children.

I do not enjoy going to calendar calls. I do not even have any satisfaction from seeing the face of the driver or him seeing mine. My hands and voice shake so much so I want to scream. My heart beats so fast, it makes me mad it's not for something fun. I want to throw up. I MAKE myself attend these painful 10 minute to hour long sessions of hogwash, because my children deserve an answer from SOMEONE! When all this is said and done SOMEONE will answer the hard questions about EVERY detail of this drama, and I will be able to say I SHOWED up and did not RUN AWAY.

As hard as it is, it makes me stronger and the honesty leads to great unbelievable happiness in the depths of the heart of my family. I would not be able to "make our happy loud" if I ignored the painful truth of our past. Is your happy loud? Do your children hear you laughing without the worry of your heart crying out to be free? What do you want your life statement to be? As hard as it is, I want my babies to know I uphold the vows I promised to my late beloved to this day, for better or worse, sickness and health, love, honor, cherish, and through sitting in calendar calls and trials without his physical presence beside me IN HONOR of our WORD. For better or worse, it takes courage and I pray for it every single day I wake up. Courage to be honest throughout my days.

I honestly want your life statement to be something of worth and not failure. Running away is failure, bro. Running past your house and further from the scene"for help", because the thought of me still being at your house is failure, bro. Turning around takes courage. Yesterday, I saw the first cry of a lying heart. You MADE yourself turn around, good job.

"20 seconds of COURAGE!" He is still walking away. "20 SECONDS of COURAGE!" Forty yards from me, he turns his body to my direction. "Instead of 52 minutes of FAILURE! That's all I have to say to you, Bro. Peace Out."

Making it Home

I have always wanted to be is a mother, a momma, and sometimes a "MOM"! Naturally, being a stay at home mom suited me to a tee. I took pride in being a stay at home wife and mother. Many years ago I read a piece of advice, "the world is full of chaos, your home should be a place of peace." In my opinion, as a wife and mother it was my job to be the CEO of my home. For the most part we were at peace; that is not saying everything was "perfect". Peace, we knew working together on our strengths and weakness would yeild a larger and greater harvest for our family. Peace.

Of course, three years ago our family and home came to a hault. Rebuilding has been a process. Learning the responsibilities of a single widowed mother of two, along with EVERYTHING else has been...well, it's been a challenge. But God thinks I can do it, and do it well in His honor...so I will. I am so blessed by the progress the kids and I have been making in the past years. We are learning together how our tragic experience opens a world of honesty we are happy to share with each other. Our goals as a family unit and as members of our community are shaping back into what we once remember them to be and sometimes even better!! It's amazing how truth, realistic goals, and positive attitudes will weed the junk from your life and yeild better fruit. I feel kind of silly about sharing, but I've posted so much emotional "BLAH"...my followers deserve some "AH-HA!"

Mind you we've always followed these ideas, charts, and strategies within our home, but I haven't been able to organize them fully. Being organized helps me keep the peace. I found a great quote that explains, "Organized people tend to see more clearly how their environment affects their emotional well-being." ME ME ME. I am pretty in tuned to what goes on around me, what adds to our life and growth, and what sucks the life from us.  I am so proud of the kids for helping me with this simple project. IT HELPS!

Look how pleased they look. ;) At the top are good works at school, in the middle simple instructions for things I don't think I should have to repeat (tidy room list, math and reading homework checklist), and bottom level a list of our family rules and consequences, morning/evening routines, and chore list. All these sheets are laminated so they are easy to write on or clean. This really helps Ike because of his ADHD and Lilli because she is a girl. :) This collection is in our hall way and can be seen from their bedroom doors.

Now on to my projects! Please beware of how nerdy I really am...I am coming out of the CLOSET!!!

Because my hall closet is so small I use it as office space rather than winter coat space. I've had the small white file cabinet since we moved into this house. As well as, the closet organizer that some use for clothes I use for supplies. What I'm really happy about are the noteboooks on the top shelf. I use to have everything in the cabinet, but it just was not working. Now all important and active papers are in notebooks for easy reach. I found the hanging file on the door at target, and this helps me to file new mail until I can get it into it's home folder. I wish everything "matched" a little better, but you work with what you have.

 I have a notebook for most everything, investments, my major policies, kids major records, personal, etc. I'm not going to bore you with every single one, just a few. The ones above are Art, Meal Plan, HouseHold, and Budget. At first I thought the colorful paper would be cheesy, but it helps the boring task of organizing.

 Our household notebook has everything current, family information, to do ASAP, important documents that are needed for a short time, school, honey do list, travel plans, misc, and birthday/party plans.

 Next is my Budget. I've been on the Dave Ramsey plan for years and my old notebook broke because of the use. A small tip for any Dave Ramsey followers, laminate the monthly budget chart which makes it easier to erase and fill out your budget with a dry erase marker every month. Saving on printing cost and paper...earth friendly and cheap!

 Next, my art notebook. Yes, it's like pinterest, and I've had these clips, crafting ideas, and photos for more than 5yrs. telling myself, "One of these days I'm going to do....." The coolest part is some of the home decor ideas I clipped out have taken shape in my home. I love seeing progress!

Lastly, is my Meal Planning notebook. This was a major task for me 2 years before Russell died. I was on a mission to serve healthy meals to my family within our budget without stress. I did it! But unfortunatlly in the move I did not hold on to the record. Oh well, new flavors and dishes are on the way! Cooking is not as natural to me as dancing, so I work really hard to make it effortless. Planning helps to remove the stress of what I will cook and focus more on the act of cooking, serving, and enjoying the meal with my family.

Glad to share something different for a change! Happy Home Making!

Darlin'

To grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified
Isaiah 61:3


I've been praying to get to this point. This view from this angle on the mountain. This place of gratitude.
Standing in glory, rooted in a stance of amazement, and awe struck wonder in Your every word.
I pray for these times together.
That place of all parts of me for all parts of You and the purity of Love shines through. 
My arms can't help but lift in the direction of You. With my every move You are caressing me in comfort.
My Love, I've missed this union.
All the parts of me, love all the parts of You.
I understand even more now than ever I am your bride.
More than anything I pray and long for the closest of Oneness an earthly walk will blossom with my Passion.
You exemplify the word, and Your direction in love is my life blood.
I thank you for this time; This time of gratitude for the journey handed to me, entrusted to me, and a slice of glory to share...in Love.
My words, my thoughts, my prayers coming back to me, echoing. Reminding me the present is my answer.
My answer and I'm bathing in it, Sweet Jesus, I am.
Moved by You so deeply, so gracefully.
I don't want to want; I don't want to dance, fall, or collapse.
Bask. So often I dismiss the simple luxury of Your spiritual presence.
I want to bask in Your presence and get Lifted.
Closing my eyes and wondering towards You.
We rise above and the weights of fleshly life are released.
We are united. All the parts of me, love all the parts of You.
Love.
Love is such a common word used to explain this feeling.
I'm common so it works. I am humbled so it works even more.
The purest form of agape running circles around my wounds.
Love In, Peace Out. Love Out, Peace In.
Amen.

I will rejoice greatly in the LORD,
My soul will exult in my God;
For He has clothed me with garments of salvation,
He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland,
And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
And as a garden causes the things sown in it to spring up,
So the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise
To spring up before all the nations.
Isaiah 61:10-11