SpicyPeachPatch

Darlin'

2012-02-14T14:17:00.001-05:00

To grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified
Isaiah 61:3

I've been praying to get to this point. This view from this angle on the mountain. This place of gratitude.
Standing in glory, rooted in a stance of amazement, and awe struck wonder in Your every word.
I pray for these times together.
That place of all parts of me for all parts of You and the purity of Love shines through.
My arms can't help but lift in the direction of You. With my every move You are caressing me in comfort.
My Love, I've missed this union.
All the parts of me, love all the parts of You.
I understand even more now than ever I am your bride.
More than anything I pray and long for the closest of Oneness an earthly walk will blossom with my Passion.
You exemplify the word, and Your direction in love is my life blood.
I thank you for this time; This time of gratitude for the journey handed to me, entrusted to me, and a slice of glory to share...in Love.
My words, my thoughts, my prayers coming back to me, echoing. Reminding me the present is my answer.
My answer and I'm bathing in it, Sweet Jesus, I am.
Moved by You so deeply, so gracefully.
I don't want to want; I don't want to dance, fall, or collapse.
Bask. So often I dismiss the simple luxury of Your spiritual presence.
I want to bask in Your presence and get Lifted.
Closing my eyes and wondering towards You.
We rise above and the weights of fleshly life are released.
We are united. All the parts of me, love all the parts of You.
Love.
Love is such a common word used to explain this feeling.
I'm common so it works. I am humbled so it works even more.
The purest form of agape running circles around my wounds.
Love In, Peace Out. Love Out, Peace In.
Amen.

I will rejoice greatly in the LORD,
My soul will exult in my God;
For He has clothed me with garments of salvation,
He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland,
And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
And as a garden causes the things sown in it to spring up,
So the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise
To spring up before all the nations.
Isaiah 61:10-11

Happy New Year

2011-12-31T13:13:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year EVERYONE! Spend 2012 in peace, love, and ever-lasting blessings!!! Love the Hays Family!

High Arches

2011-12-04T21:08:00.001-05:00

My feet are narrow. They are not very strong. Loving to dance, I always disliked my feet. Just one of those funny things that you dislike about yourself, but no one else seems to care or notice. But for me, personally I always wanted a different pair.

To catch up on what's been going on and where I'm going with this entry...just stay with me.

Our fall was very busy, as well as the Christmas season. We are all in school and doing well. Ike is so bright and creative. Although, he struggles with staying on task. With time and practice, I know this will get better...so I continue to encourage his many positive qualities! Thankfully his teacher is so understanding and patient (I think it might have something to do with the fact that she went to the same college as Russell!) Overall he really has grown up this year with the influence of his teachers, coaches, and his friend/mentor, Skip. Ike is happier; it is such a wonderful feeling to know and see your child is healing.

Lilli is also doing well in school. She does not struggle with the same issues, of course...but I will say in what she does struggle with, she does equally as hard. Lilli is a wonderful student; loving to read, write, and draw. She is a smart child, has strong opinions, and is very expressive. All fine and dandy, I want my daughter to grow into a strong woman of faith and character, but Lilli falls into being the "baby of the family" and Momma's little girl. That's being nice; she is becoming too sassy! Common for a little girl of her age, but not acceptable! Although, I know that this is another battle with children testing their boundaries; I'm just glad I'm stronger now to tackle this "issue" and Lilli has a beautiful and compassionate heart. So I know she will improve.

This also was our first season back in football and first season for cheer leading. I'm not going to lie, it was hard. I longed for my children to have their Daddy on the field with them during games. It's hard to watch them play so well, work so hard, show strong character, and want to tell them "Your Daddy is so proud of you!" without tears in your eyes! Staying positive always helps with that pesky lump in my throat; so I found myself helping out on the field keeping track of plays for the team! It was fun and I really liked the time with Ike Lionheart Hays!! ;)

When the three night a week practice and game on Saturday season was over, I was thankful we would have November to recharge before the "holiday" season. Because if there is one thing I am learning, being a single-widowed mother of two is hard work, YO! And I have to allow myself "down time" no matter how guilty I feel! But our November...was a NO-vember! It flew by! There were plenty of wonderful things to chat about, but honestly I was trying to rest and focus on preparing myself for December. There are a lot of memories made during the holiday season, and I pray up for strength to make it through. Plus, knowing that there would be no movement well into 2012 in the criminal case against the driver, Todd Willoughby...wasn't the easiest thing to swallow. I push on. So when I was cleaning out my shed for Christmas decorations and the upcoming winter, it became very clear to me that I lost my mind for the last 3 years. As I opened plastic tub after plastic tub I couldn't remember what was in them and even worse when I packed them! Grief robbed me, again! Evil vampire, sucking the life out of the living! Our past loved ones really don't want this for us, so move forward.

So I did, and walked into a holiday season with not much sadness in my heart. Memories were there, of course, but after speaking with Tina she confirmed I am doing the healthy thing. Remember the good, hold it dear, put it behind you, and focus on the future with wisdom from the past. So here I am gung-ho-ho-ho for the holiday season wanting to hold on to every gingerbread moment, and darn-it! It didn't feel like Christmas this year!?! Anybody feel me!?! Don't get me wrong gathering with friends and family is always good, but for some reason I didn't have that "Crosby White Christmas" warm and fuzzy feeling all over.

I don't know what the reason was, but I can guess that it was a combination of plenty of emotions and feelings I wasn't able to properly express because I wasn't writing on a the regular. This writing stuff really helps, but sometimes it's hard to share....what if I offend someone!?! And then I think, "well if they play by your standards of offensive behavior...you'd have to accidentally end their life, run away, and then lie about the whole darn thing. So I think you're all good." But honestly and just to be clear with everyone, I don't play by "my standards" that would be self-righteous...it's really His standard and still I think I'm ok.

Maybe it's just me, but after loss the lights aren't dim, they are brighter; Truth is always brighter. And love is not just a sappy romantic comedy feeling that just so happens to reappear forever, it's a choice. And family unity is not a tree that is easily pruned, it takes an entire family to restore the health back to the tree. And if for any reason you think it's hard for you, you've never prayed, held, and consoled a grieving child who is losing memories of her Daddy. All these things lead to evolving into better and healthier people, no matter how hard they feel in the moment of impact.

It's hard work to be a healthy human being; one without bitterness, hate, lust, greed, self-righteousness, self pity, and selfishness. Mentally, emotionally, and physically you become tired. Growing pains set in like the ones of your youth, but you are older and the pain is in your heart and not your legs. My frustration grows when I witness people throwing in the towel, before they are even tested. Before they honestly tasted the blood of defeat, and still choose to swallow it and dig deep for water. Choose a path best for themselves, instead of what is best for the flock. I look at their steps; how their posture is anchored at their feet....proud chest out rocking on the ball and big toe, maybe unsure of their direction hunched over resting on the outside and "littlest piggie", or ready to give in with weight in the heels and toes up. I wonder, what have they been doing for the last four months? No really. What have they been doing? (this isn't my judgemental voice, this is one of curiosity.)

So of course, I look at my own path before my curiosity turns to judgement...:) I see MY times of weakness, I see MY times of wanting to throw in the towel, and I see when I was HELD UP and CARRIED. I see that even though I am emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically worn slap out, I'm glad I was pushed, I'm thankful I became wise to my threshold, I'm thankful I said "no" to anything that did not benefit my family, I'm glad I said "yes" to my heart, and above all else I'm thankful He made me focus on my own path instead the one of someone else. Another lesson in humility...God = a billion...Sam = 0.

I pray for my steps, that I allow Him to guide each of them, that I guard against pit falls and holes that tempt me to give up, and that I open my stance, toes wide, and heel dug dip...the rest of my body will adjust, follow, and become stronger. The lamp onto my feet is revealing more and more, even though my path at times can be narrow and rocky...these size 10s are for running up mountains.

Sight

2011-09-06T23:29:00.000-04:00

She misses her Daddy. She likes to draw. She was drawing at the kitchen table and her brother was eating a snack. I was cooking. She asked your name, your last name, and I told her.

"You can write to him and tell him how you feel any time you want." I said.

"Oh, I will. But I wouldn't say anything mean. I would just tell him, it was just an accident." she said.

He was quite, but he shook his head, "yes". Tears filled my eyes. Not because of their pain, but because of their understanding. They are strong.

I will not be sitting in the row behind you tomorrow, because I have better things to do and it's just ANOTHER calendar call. And even though they are never in your sight in the court room, they see through you.

From their tears, make mud, and see.

Todd

2011-05-04T22:23:00.001-04:00

The anger balls up inside me when I see your face, not because of your actions, but because I've forgiven them and you run away like before. I've never wanted you to suffer, not by the hands of men, not in your own head, and especially not in your heart. My heart aches for the pain you and your family have had to go through because of your actions and lies. I pray day and night for your children.

I remember telling Tina early on, like two months into this nightmare, "...they're never gonna heal, never. They'll never heal if they don't tell the truth. Their marriage will suffer, their children will suffer, and the beautiful life that God wants for everyone will be lost." She then asked me, "What would you do if you saw him, let's say 2 football fields away? What would be your first thought?" And as quickly as she asked, I said "That could be my son in 20 years. What would I do as a mother?" Which then I burst into tears...and her reply, "You didn't break them and you can't fix them. You need to heal yourself first, then you worry about them...much later." But now is the time to worry about you.

Today was a very hard day for me, not just because of Calendar Call, not just because you were driving the car that killed my husband, not because your wife was there to support you and my husband is dead, BUT also my sister died nine years ago on this very day, May 4, 2002. I sat next to my Daddy, and had to watch him suffer again. He, again, has to watch his other little girl suffer in terrible pain that he cannot fix. You have two little girls, could you imagine? I don't think you can, so I cry for them and you.

I called my mother afterwards, because she had to work, and on a day that is already so hard, she again had to dish out advice that she can hardly carry out herself. "Write to him, Samarah. Tell him who you are. They don't know who you are. They know your anger, they know your bitterness, but they do not hear your compassion. Because he was not there hours after the wreck when you wanted to hold him, you wanted to tell him you forgave him, and you wanted everyone to heal. You have forgiven him and he is not taking it, and that is why this hurts so badly."

AND SHE is SO RIGHT!

Yes, some of my past post have been blunt and at times hurtful, but that is me being honest and human. Welcome to the human race! I call a spade a spade. So, if you were my BEST FRIEND, you aren't, but if you were I'd call you out. Why? Cause I know it's the best thing for you. So that's why my last posts are so hard core, I'm getting to the heart of the matter; the one that everyone is always afraid to point out. But this right here, this is a tired woman who has been to the ends of her rope and back. I know I have explored every which way to handle this hell-of-life without forgiving you, but I can't. My heart truly, truly sinks for you and what you saw that night. I couldn't imagine seeing a man fight for his last breath and know I caused it. I feel bad if I bump into people with my shopping cart at Publix, so I REALLY couldn't imagine what you are going through. And what you are trying to sleep through at night.

This doesn't have to be ugly, this isn't messy, and you never have to say anything out loud. Just know that when I stare at you and your wife in court, yes, I am still hurt; but inside I am like the mother who continues to watch her child make the biggest mistake of their life and they won't take my hand for help. I am crying for you, because your eyes speak pain and I see it. I am weeping for you, when you feel the need to fill the uncomfortable court room silence with nervous laughter, because you are scared. I am wanting to run you down and hold you like a mother would hold her son, when you don't even have the nerve to walk past me to exit the building. I wish this never, never, never happened to you and everyone you know. I wish this never, never, never happened to Russell and everyone he loved and loved him (and there were a lot, his funeral filled the mega church in Lilburn, two stories. It was beautiful to celebrate his life.)

But it did and we can't go back. But we must move forward in peace, you must hear this from me, and know I am being 100% honest when I say, I forgive you. I always have. I really just wanted a, "I'm so sorry." That's all. But I'll never get it and the only reason that's OK, is because God has already said it for you. Please take His gift, forgive yourself, and move forward accordingly.

peace,

Samarah

For them...

2011-04-25T08:48:00.002-04:00

I remember a time when a squeal wasn't something wrong;
when the feet running towards the door wasn't forlorn.
The air and the mood dim,
until the moment he'd walk in.
All day long we would get through, oh we'd hoe
do that long row of the same ole same ole.
The beans were simmerin and the corn was right,
just before the bathtime, pj's, and goodnight's;
But just before we sat down to eat
there came a man dragging his feet.
And as much as the world had brought him down
he'd sit with his children and accept their crown.
For they did not just see him as their own,
he was worth of much more, a throne.
Not because of his title or his face,
it was only of his love and his grace.
He would tickle and tackle one to the floor,
and then teach the brother how to love his sister more.
Little protector and Little princess,
You are Daddy's here and in rest.

Tongue and Cheek

2011-03-28T10:30:00.002-04:00

Remove the blindfold of legalism,
soak in love, walk in wisdom.
Where is the line, when you draw so many?
I'd rather use a net, let's go fishing.

Close your mouth, if you can't speak blossoms;
if you have negative thoughts, well, toss'em.

Practice what you preach, vomit what you eat.
Yet, your tone of words...filled with heat,

Or sticky sweet verbage, you call a reach out?
Let me guess, the goal was my soul?
When your eyes never had me at "hello".
Ahh, but your tongue went on a roll....

Really? Hate the sin, but not the sinner?
Tired of the rhyme, hidden behind shameful pride.
Claiming it like it were your own;
forgetting it wasn't you who rolled the stone.

Aim is gone and sight unclear;
not hearing Your Savior, ear to ear?
Cheek to cheek, you should be dancing,
following His lead instead of glancing

At the muffled dillusion of your illusion.

Walking proudly and stout with staff in hand,
metal fish, leading sheep in a mini van.
Fit ever so nicely in between the lines;
hoarding your idea, it's your design.

You cross out and hand out, but never over.

For the
missed out,
blown out,
left out,
burnt out,
and
came out,

Standing in doubt for who He has chosen.

Sweat blood, break bread, and sit with the poor,
the tax collectors, the weak, liars, and the whore.
Move, take action, and simply love...
judgement is blocking who you're really made of.

You are the stone, so be rolled away.
His light will shine and you both will play.
Faith like a child you so desperately seek,
will be gifted to you cheek to cheek.

Ten for Ten

2011-03-03T09:46:00.000-05:00

Top 10 favorite things about us:

1. Our family: God, us, the kids.
2. That he loved to tell people of how we met. Just precious, he'd remember every detail and tell everyone.
3. This picture the summer after we met, that we DIDN'T pose for...thanks Erin for snapping it. It's one of my ALL time favorites, cause we are smiling at each other.

4. Songs and music he wrote for us. He filled our house with music ALL the TIME (it's quiet now, thank you inano.) He'd bring his guitar everywhere and sometimes just follow me, the social butterfly, around parties playing away...he was my music man and I danced in between the notes.
5. Everything about our wedding. Handmade dress by my mother, flowers pick from the garden, music by my love, personal wedding vows, family and friends helping in any way. Super sweet and not a dry eye in the house.

6. This moment in time, Tom was playing Russell's song, "Come Home", we were lighting the candle. The wind was blowing and candle almost went out, but didn't. We were joking about the chances of it going out, holding our hands together the entire time, and it never went out.

7. We kept each other accountable, even though we had our own ways of expressing ourselves, we listened to each other and respected one another. We talked about EVERYTHING and questioned our true motives for everything. I didn't need a blog with him around; he was my sounding board and I was his. I miss my best friend.
8. On the morning of our wedding day, I could hear him outside and he yelled to my mother, "Stephanie, I'm going to MARRY your daughter TODAY!" I giggled so hard, I started to cry, and couldn't wait to see my love. He covers my face so that no one sees us kiss; super gentleman, honoring little ole' me.

9. Camping, hiking, sitting around a camp fire, cooking, grilling out while listening to the game, jamming and singing together, writing songs, talking for hours about faith and our walks with God, and being so thankful that we could do it all again tomorrow...

10. Hugging ourselves into giggles. His laugh, bear hugs, and his sweet smile.

God Bless you, Beloved one. Happy Memories, thank you. Make more, beauty from ashes, I will.

I am Sam's Raging Tea Kettle

2011-03-01T02:36:00.000-05:00

Stop me if you've heard this one:
A woman walks into her counselor's office. The counselor asks the usual, "So, how have you been since we last met?" The woman says, "Oh, not so good. I've had terrible migraines for the past 2 weeks. I thought I had 6 in two weeks, but my doctor says it was just one I never got rid of." The counselor, with her head hung low, says, "My dear, migraines are pent up rage." and the woman bursts into tears.

Yep, that was me and my beautiful counselor, Tina. (I love her.) She sat back as I cried. Huge tears of pain and confusion, then she shed some herself. All the terrible dreams I had for the last weeks flooded my thoughts while I rocked back and forth, and my tears couldn't keep up. Awful dreams: Me, standing in front of the house in the snow with only undergarments on; steam pouring from my eyes as I stare into the windows; the eyes of a home filled with darkness and I am burning with the flames of truth. Me, flying by on a bike while she waters her precious plants, she is tired of the reminder, so she sprays me with the hose; she misses and can't keep up with me, she falls. I walk up to her, she flinches, but all I do is stare into the eyes of a liar. Each dream would take me to them, they would flinch in horror as to what I might do...and all I do is stare. Stare so hard their pupils are brunt into mine.

"Is that why I am having these awful dreams?" I asked her after sobbing. "Yes, you are not speaking your truth, your anger. It is building up, causing the shoulders and neck to tense and blocks circulation to the brain. There could be other factors, but these are mostly caused by rage. Depression is suppressed anger; Migraines are pent up rage." "Haven't I gone through anger, though?" "Oh, you're at peace with Russell passing, but this other crap is not allowing you to move on. It's pissing me off now; you don't deserve this."

I am tired of sounding like a broken record, to myself. Not all hear the ins and outs of my drama, it would consume everything; just not fair to relationships, really. Then I realized I am not a broken record, I'm a tea pot without a spout! No one's tipping me over, pouring me out, and I sure as hell ain't enjoying any tea. I've been on the back burner for 2 years and 2 months!

I keep thinking, "Ok, this sucks but you gotta put your big girl pants on and move forward. You gotta find the joy in life and make the best of it. Put your game face on, Boo Boo. Make the life you've always wanted." Um, OK. check, check, check.

There's me, making an effort of moving forward....and bam it's the first of the month and here comes the letter..."On this date, there is a calendar call for "this" case. You as the VICTIM are more than welcome to be present. If the defendant pleas "not guilty" the trial will be the following week."

So I think...prepare for battle even though this is not yours, prepare anyway cause your kids can't tend to themselves. OK, prepare. THEN, the day before the calendar call the victims advacate will call me and say, "Well we know the trial won't be this month, because __________(fill in some excuse I've heard them all.) so we aren't having the calendar call. So it might be this summer, or this fall, but we really can't say for sure. Talk to you next month." Really?

Yes, Really.

Yeah, back on the burner. Boiling over. Steaming. Piping hot and this kettle is going to blow. Not just with the simple, "I'm pissed that accident killed my husband...." Which I am, but news flash....he chose to get in the PASSENGER seat. So, I'm at peace with the choices of a man, my husband, and his fate. ACCIDENTS HAPPEN, but people CHOOSE TO RUN AWAY and LIE. So, my anger goes deeper than any of those dimwits could every think it could go. And there is my first one:

*I'm pissed they EVER mistook my kindness for being naive or stupid; yes, I'm the one who kept quiet while you spouted off like a fool, because debating with a fool just makes me look like one too. So for years, I kept quiet and simply loved on you...years, I tell you, years.
*I'm pissed I won't copy and paste the "ever so thoughtful" emails I received from one "sweet Mississippi southern belle", asking me to "please fill her in on how the trial is going, because she really cares, is inspired by my faith, and how I'm handling everything." AND THEN a week later takes a picture with "the fools"?? Really?? Why don't you ask them yourself? Here honey, here's your first lesson in faith...ASK QUESTIONS. (all these "exchanges" made me raise a couple questions myself, trust no one.)

*I'm pissed that I didn't go to law school. Now, I can't grill each and every one of you myself; even though it wouldn't be that hard, because what I have in black and white is pretty clear that none of you have the same story or don't really recall what happened. But I don't want to "grill" you. I want you to have the pleasure of meeting me.

*I'm pissed neither of you never really had the pleasure in meeting us. Now, just me. I'm actually a really nice person, even fun to be around. I like to dance, create art of all kinds, love on my babies and Jesus, my face is off-center, I don't wear much make-up, and TELL THE TRUTH.

What are you REALLY like? Cause I bet you are so much more than the worthless lies you allowed yourself to become...you should meet who you really are sometime, it's an eyeopener.
*I'm pissed you doubt my compassion for you, that you thought of only yourself. (Don't tell me you thought of your kids, cause that's a lie; what you are really doing is blaming your kids for running. father of the year!) I thought of you and your family. I PRAYED over every one of you, EVERY ONE of you. That we would heal TOGETHER, that we would make it out of this TOGETHER. I heard the promise of God's glory, and you only heard the promise of a selfish heart. It's the only thing that will sing to you around the lake from here on out.
*I'm pissed you are making this about YOU. Interrupting the lives of people you have never met with your cowardly delay. Infecting families, friendships, and future relationships with your sick choices that will painfully haunt them for years (I'm not just talking about me and mine, you've got children too, BRO!).

*I'm pissed I have to wait on this stupid trial to make out my school schedule, my plans for vacations, and even holidays. I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS. And the "legals" keep saying, "just keep moving on with your life." OH, OK! What about when I want to go to Disney this October, CAUSE MY KIDS DESERVE IT...

...but oops we might have the trial. Is that moving forward with OUR LIFE? Or is that waiting on the Willoughby's? or the Price's? Or the legal system? Could somebody please stand up and tell the truth?
*I'm pissed that these are the same people, all four of them, who claim they would give the shirt off their backs for anyone, fight to death in a fox-hole, peace. Nope. It's the same old, "one family is already ruined, why hurt another" routine. Oh, ok really looking out for the greater good there, peace, inner peace is right around the corner...Here, let ME RETURN YOUR MARBLES.
*I'm pissed, I can't get a straight anything. Man to WOMAN, eye to eye...You're sorry and I forgive you, now go away forever and leave me alone. No, you aren't even able to look me in the eye or even exit past me; Yes, we all watched as you snuck down the back stairs to avoid passing us...just like you ran away the first time. Think you're good at running, don't you? I bet his screams still follow you. Sleep tight.
*AND mostly, I really wanted to hit my 10year anniversary with him, in the flesh...so I had to get this off my chest before it came. Yes, I'm pissed my marriage ended not on my terms. While others waste time, lie, and bow out.We fought for it, loved on it, and treasured it.

Ding ding, it's tea time. Drink up..."get the picture?". And lurkers do me a favor leave a comment say hi; I heard I had some fans. Bring'em out, stand up...one lump or two?

Remember, Honor Alone

2011-02-27T21:47:00.000-05:00

The vacant house stood alone. A vacant neighbor to the left and a drive to the right. The color didn't suit it. Carelessly the door was left open, yet carefully we opened further. Like our hearts the carpet was torn out, and only the sub flooring left with staples exposed. Walls painted with bright colors, again like us, masking the bare walls beneath. It is cold, even when the sun shines through the windows. Empty. Alone.

Kitchen cabinets are empty. The corner counter top once held something special. An event took place here, but the forclosure sign didn't check it off the list. Don't go in the basement, and the footsteps walk passed the stairs. In to what used to be the pink room there is no wisdom. The master is white, I don't enter just like before. Honor. Electric blue covers the other, feel nothing. It is not like the water once spoken of, there is no wind. Remember.

The ground is uneven and the cedars are cut. Shed is lock. There used to be a story. There is no key. Looking for anything, anything to return, nothing. Their footsteps are quick and curious, "I see the water." An event took place here, the shed is locked, there is no key. I don't want to stay, but I don't want to leave. A brick is taken, it is ours, it will ground us. Remember. Honor. Alone.

An event took place here. To the left we see the tiny patch of spring. "Pick them all, pick them low." Seven in the spring. At seven there is an inch; your back, my back. There used to be a story. The shed is locked. Flowers in water and back hand springs when I arrived. The vacant house is alone. Remember, honor, alone.

Ice Cream Sundays

2011-02-11T07:47:00.002-05:00

I've been wanting to share this story for a while, yet I haven't had the time. And for the reasons I've wanted to share this story is either really cool, merely selfish time to talk about me, or to show a glimpse into a relationship we (my family) holds dear. Our walk with God and how He delights us, oh so much! So here goes...

A month of Sundays ago I was melancholy. It was soon after I wrote my last blog entry and as wonderful as that felt, I was still sad. Of course when I am sad, I want to fix it, mend it, wipe away the tears and move on, and just be happy. I was offered peace. Ok. Yet, like a little child I always ask for more, the pretty-please-cherry-on-top-little-tiny-sign-hello-from-above. ANYTHING please.

After leaving church we talked about God all day long. It was awesome. We were having that day where your not acting as parent and children, but soul-mates to soul-mates. We were sharing our spirits with each other and it was a beautiful thing, I suggest you try it sometime. We ate lunch, went to the Goodwill (cause Sunday is the best day to go, you know!?!) and drove across to the county to go to a family birthday party.

Because we were talking about God all day the question came up, "So Momma, do you REALLY believe in angels?" I take this question very seriously, pause for dramatics, and boldly answer, "Yes. I do." "Like with the white wings and halos, Mom?" (that's my Ike.) "Well, Ike God is an amazing artist. He designed this whole planet, the whole universe, so I think He made all different kinds of angels. There are some pretty crazy creatures in the last book of Bible, so that's just a taste of what's to come in heaven. I believe God can do anything."

"Do you really think angels come and help us, Mom?" "Yep. They are like God's soldiers, leaving peace and love behind. But, sometimes I think we get to busy to really see and notice they are there at all. Sometimes people start looking at too many things of the world, that they doubt the possibilities of God. They doubt that God wants to be close with us, pray with us, love us, joke around with us, dance with us, paint pretty pictures in the clouds with us. All these things are God's and we are here to enjoy them with Him, but sometimes we don't and we forget. That's when it gets lonely."

"How do we know when it's an angel? How do we know it's God?"-Ike

"Well, for me, sometimes I have a feeling that pulls on my spirit and it tells me to stop, pause, slow down, remember this moment, and I know that God wants me to put my focus back on Him. And sometimes, like the hawk..."

"Oh, yeah. The hawk you see for Daddy." -Lilli

"Yes, that hawk is not Daddy. But when I am feeling strong, at peace with my spirit, God will send me a hawk. And I believe angels help that hawk reach me and with it a "Hello" from your Daddy."

"Like the butterfly and Aunt Rozi?" (still Lilli.) "Yes, like the butterfly and Aunt Rozi."

"Some people call it quinkidinks, I call it a "God thing"." And we all laughed, driving down the back roads of the country of what used to be our stomping grounds. I keep talking so I didn't focus on the fresh memories of what used to be our home.

"Have I ever told ya'll about the lighter? (they shook their heads no.) Well, when momma was 17 and bad, she smoked cigarettes. I wanted a zippo lighter, just cause all my friends had one and I wanted to be cool. But we weren't. ANYWAY. I went to an antique store and I found a zippo lighter. It was silver plated and had swirl designs on it. I asked the man to remove it from the case; he did and he put it in my hand. When I turned it over there were letters on it. Three letters, initials engraved on the front from top to bottom."

I put my hand in the air so they could see from the back seat. I wrote and spoke the letters as they are on the lighter, "R E H."

When the last letter left my mouth, I saw the pine trees ahead move as if something were falling from it, but nothing was falling. I let off the gas, and watched has the huge bird swooped off the branches of the tree and in front of our car. "And there's a freaking hawk!" We were all screaming and laughing as we watched the red tail hawk pass our car, miss his target above the railroad track, and then circle back. We were able to watch him stretch out his wings and talons with breath-taking power and grace. I looked in the rear-view at my babies, "I told ya'll angels are real! Hey Russ!" "Hey Daddy!"

Isaac had tiny little tears in his eyes; I don't even think he knew why he was crying. "That was crazy Mom, that hawk came out of nowhere right when you were saying Dad's initials! Are they really on that lighter? That was CRAZY!" "Do you still have it? Can we see it? Can I hold it?" the pleas of sweet Miss Lilli, always wanting to hold something of Daddy's.

At that point I didn't even know if I could finish the story, but of course I did. "I have the lighter. I bought it and told my friend, "It will mean something someday." I met your dad 2 years after I bought it. He came to my house 2 weeks after we had been dating and saw the lighter. Because I didn't carry it around often I left on my dresser. He picked it up and it hit us both at the same time, "THOSE ARE MY/YOUR INITIALS!" and I remember your dad asking me, "Why are my initials on your lighter?" So I told him the story and even gave him the name of the girl I was shopping with the day I bought, so he didn't think me crazy! That was a "God thing" to me and your dad. We already knew we wanted to be with each other, but to us it was an extra gift."

Blossoms after pruning, beauty from ashes, a cherry on top. What's yours?

Purge and Peace

2011-01-21T08:29:00.003-05:00

After the holidays I was full, so full in fact that if someone were to push me over I would spill out; almost wished someone would. It was getting uncomfortable. Purge. Most of my feelings were ones of memories; missing our family traditions, staying in our cozy home, Christmas lights on happy faces, New Year songs and embracing. These feelings are sad. As much as I loath feeling them, I don't mind visiting them because I know it's growth for my soul. Peace.

Yet, I dislike being invaded by the legal issues that involve our tragic event. Most times I just want to scream into the faces and hearts which are void of feeling and love, "I don't think about you! You chose this, not me! Please let me grieve, alone." Purge. But I can't, nor do I believe they will hear what I am saying from deep within my core. "I love people, but choose not to harbor their choices. You left him alone, left me alone. I would have hugged you and you would have heard my forgiveness. Now, your ears are blocked by the lies of your own doing. My heart aches for you." Peace.

A new year brings resolution, right. I wanted a solution. I wanted the story that is my life, not to be my life. During the holiday I had a wonderful meeting with my Holy Father and with Him, he brought my beloved. I silently pleaded with Him, "please take this from me, I don't want this to be my life, I don't want this to be my story. My aches and wounds fall on deaf ears, for my pain is not only the one of losing, but the one of my compassion being misunderstood. At times I don't want to feel sorrow for them, I want to hate, but the depth of lies and wall of pride they have built around them breaks my heart. I don't want the pain, the grief, the horrible flash backs. I don't want memories, I want us. I don't wanna be me." Purge.

"So be Me." Peace.

So I'm sure most of you are thinking, "who does she think she is now, GOD!?!" Those who have heard the term, "living through Christ" might understand me a little more. I have done this before in my walk, loving others through a wall of Christ, instead of my judgemental self. But this was different. So here goes, what I got from this simple three word sentence was, I don't have to be the me of my past or the tainted one of my future. I can be the me of His future. I am able to go to His quiet place and be engulfed by love. I am able to sit in His silence of grace and hear the song of my future. I am able to rest in His arms and allow Him to heal the deepest wounds, we are so easily able to push down, but so afraid to visit. Push aside the doubtful, hurt, bitter, tired me and be everything in Him.

I allowed the shadows to come back in and block the light at my feet. Member that light, Samarah? Don't allow someones choices smut out your light. Purge. Don't be a fool and doubt the power of God. Go back to the beginning of the nightmare when my prayers were lifted up for ALL. When I believed and knew that God's healing grace would heal EVERYONE. When God flooded me with so much compassion for a man who hours before caused the death of my husband, that all I wanted to do was hug him until he felt forgiven. I believed, I had faith, I knew love would prevail, and we would ALL have peace. Peace.

Foolishly, other men and women felt the need to take control. Other men and women tightened their grip and doubted the will of God. They doubted the power of God, His mercy, and His LOVE. Fear and worry took over and now they are not as bright as they used to be. Darkness follows. Peace is absent. Purge.

To me peace is not the lack of pain nor the abundance of pleasure. To me it is embracing the circumstances, release our grip of control, and allow God to intercede every part of our efforts. Faith is restored and we really embrace God's plan for us. Note: I did not say "plan for someone else", "plan for US." Peace.

At the end of my meeting, my encounter, on a winter day, the afternoon light filled my room. On my empty bed, tears covered my pillow and his spirit whispered,

"Come back here, you shine brighter. Come here, come home."
"But it's painful, to feel you here in spirit, but not have you in the flesh."
"I didn't marry your flesh, sweetie."

I am not my flesh. Purge. I am who He says I am. I will walk in. Peace.

Let's Push...Bring the Pressure.

2011-01-04T21:25:00.000-05:00

Alright guys I need you! I need help, and if any of you know me it's rare that I ask...so that means it's important. I am desperate.

On December 21st I received a subpoena for the trial. (If you are new here, this is finally the trial for the man, Todd Michael Willoughby, who wreck his car killing my late husband, Russell Hays. He then ran from the scene for 52 minutes, only to return with lies on his lips about who was driving the car. go to THE TRUTH on my blog for, well the truth; and YES MAN! for answers of prayer!) Yes, after two years, countless interruptions, and one civil lawsuit under my belt , the charged would finally see the court room on January 10th 2011.

Because I am in school and raising two children, I was kinda glad to have some time to prepare. I went to school today and rearranged my classes, in case I would have to withdraw from them because of the length of the trial. I also sent out emails for childcare help. As well as, emotional support; reliving the worst night of my life is VERY EMOTIONALLY draining. So I put on my big girl panties, prepared myself for the future agony I would have to deal with and dealt with it.

This afternoon I found out it was cancelled for reasons I cannot even believe or understand. The communication has been vague and unclear. I trusted that everything would more forward without my having to be a nagging raging widow, but I guess that is not the case.

Sadly, we have hit ANOTHER roadblock and I feel like I am shaking on January 1st 2009 again, with rage, anger, sadness, disappointment, and just plain tired! I want EVERYONE to know I am moving forward peacefully. I honestly, from the bottom of my heart, do not give a rats @$$ if Todd Michael Willoughby is found guilty or not guilty by any jury; CAUSE we ALL know he is far from INNOCENT. I have already WON my battle. I have the kinda peace Todd Michael Willougby, Kim Alexander Willoughby, Joshua Price, and Rachel Diane Epps Price will NEVER have, inner peace. What I REALLY want more than anything is to be done with this whole mess. I thought I could count on the courts, but I am slowly finding that they are slower than snail mail. So, maybe they need a little pressure? A little "HELLO McFLY!" from everyone that loves Russell.

I am begging and crying out to any of you, all of you, anyone who loves and cares about Russell and his children please copy and paste the message below and email it to Danny Porter, DA of Gwinnett County Courts. Send it to your friends, family, newspapers, tv stations, etc. I need help! Maybe if we push and add a little pressure they will hear us. Maybe we can move forward within our peace and happiness without being interrupted by someone who has already taken so much from us. I humbly thank you. Samarah Hays

Danny.Porter@gwinnettcounty.com

Dear Mr Danny Porter,

I am a loved one of Russell Edward Hays. He was tragically killed in a car accident caused by Todd Michael Willougby on January 1, 2009. Mr Willoughby has been charged with the crime of two counts of VH. I am asking and begging you, for the comfort and peace of Russell's wife and children, please bring forth this trial so that we ALL may heal. It has been two years since Russell's death and it is time to move forward. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Thanks again guys. Lock, Load, and Love.

loveIN

2010-12-15T23:50:00.000-05:00

love is patient...and grits her teeth waiting on her children to get out of the house on time for school.
love is kind...da looks over mistakes and won't wait for an apology because it understands the shame.
it does not envy...even when you have lost so much.
love does not boast and brag to others about something that was merely a gift to begin with.
it is not rude and over looks how badly the dish washer was loaded.
it is not self-seeking and gives the coat off its back in dead of winter.
it is not easily angered because it surrounds itself with love to cushion the blows.
love does not compare, which child is the favorite;
we are all God's children and forgiven...remember?...so that no one can boast, right? Right.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the TRUTH.

It protects, trusts, hopes, and endures all things.

Champion. Legend.

Why wait?

Love and be love.

Keep...

2010-10-28T00:45:00.000-04:00

Hydrating,

Eating,

Brushing,

Noticing,

Remembering,

Clownin',

Trying,

Loving.

659

2010-10-21T10:48:00.005-04:00

The dishes, the laundry, I mop the floor,

between the battle of everyday norm;

lump in my throat that ceases to move,

tears behind eyelids have something to prove.

Called out and chosen, quietly I rise

to an occasion I hate to describe.

Swish, swash, fold and turn;

still I ache and heart still yearns.

Breath of His voice heard over the dryer,

"Deep within there still is the fire."

Rested at peace, He shakes my core,

I capture a moment I've known before.

Blessed assurance, not just the melody.

Signed and sealed, waiting on delivery.

Count the blessings to and fro;

it's a routine I've come to know.

First fruits, first thanks not thought of at the time,

when faced with this mountain I am to climb.

Heart and legs stronger, my opponent, I'll outrun;

first blessing of thanks, "it's not day one."

THE TRUTH

2010-09-29T03:45:00.002-04:00

Not so much "my" truth, but THE truth. Sorry, I was sparked to write this after I read a pm from someone sweet. They keep up with my blog and always send sweet notes of encouragement. Yet, one word in her note kinda hit me in a funny way, "your truth.". I wanted to snap back, "It's THE truth. I'm just the only ONE who stands up, says it, and DOESN'T CHANGE it." (But I would never do that and she doesn't deserve my snappness.)

So once again, I'm slowly sharing what I've kept quite for the last 20 months. Why did I stay quite? Because, UNLIKE some people, I don't let OTHERS sway my thoughts. I have never felt I needed to DEFEND my husband, BECAUSE HE DID NOTHING WRONG! (Doth protest too much, comes to mind...wonder why!?!) Plus, I was encouraged early on that my focus should always be on Christ.

So I'm going to take you back to the beginning of the last words I've ever wanted to hear. "Get inside, get inside."-Josh. "What happened, where's Todd?" -Rachel "He's at Grady..."-Josh "Where's Russell?"-Sam "It's not good, It's not good."-Josh "Shut up, where is he?'-Sam "He is gone, sweetie. He didn't make."-Josh
"Shut the fuck up, Fuck you, where is HE!?!" (excuse the lanuage, I'm honest.)

From this point on, I saw everything through a tunnel. I cried hard, punched the ground, cursed, screamed, covered myself in my clothes, stomped my foot repeatedly so hard I fractured my foot, punched the driveway, pulled on my flesh wanting to tear myself apart, rocked back and forth and felt my aching bones want to push out of my skin....and this was in the first 30 minutes. Then I would have moments of clearity, "What do you want us to do, Sam? Who do you want us to call?"-Josh. "Put on a pot of coffee, call my dad, then my aunt she will get here first, my mom is in Louisiana, call her last. Give me a cigarette."-Sam

Then the wave of shock came again, and this one was worse. I screamed at the top of my lungs and punched the sky, "Another ONE, Really!?! ONE MORE! What else, who else!?! Why did you take him from me!" They, Josh and Rachel, stood quietly behind me as they witnessed my anger towards God's will; yet they didn't hear His answer. "I didn't do this to you, baby." It was as loud as the freight train that just ran me over. Then He wrapped Himself around me and reassured me again, that He only creates. So, then my attention was drawn to the ere feeling of darkness on the outside of the Holy. I knew that something wanted to take us down, crush families, and tear apart marriages; something wanted to smut out my light and break my spirit. I willed it away, in the name of Jesus Christ, another thing I'm sure made the Price couple very uncomfortable. Then prayed aloud over everyone envolved, wrapping God's hands over everyone, bring forth healing and comfort for EVERYONE. I was determined to focus only on the Holy Spirit and His heavenly affect on Russell and myself. I opened myself up to God, and HONESTLY from this point on, HE took over my every action.

My family got the Price house, cried, and held me. Everyone was in and out of the house, while I cried myself in various positions. Then my dad came in with a serious face, and asked the question, "Sam, what is Russell's dentist's name." I snapped back into reality and realized a new horror, "If YOU NEED DENTAL RECORDS that means THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF HIM!" This was the straw for the night, and I went into full blown shock. I hardly remember talking to Officer Dukes, hardly remember getting in the car, and I barely remember walking up my Granny's steps to her house. It was 2:00 in the morning January 2 and my arms were numb, I couldn't feel my feet, and my heart felt as though it was going to come out of chest. I thought I was going to die and leave my children parent less. My stepmother Kim told me I was going through shock.

I thought of myself, but then I thought of Todd Willoughby and Kim Willoughby. I thought of the horror he had to witness and his own pain. All I knew was that there was a wreck, Todd was at Grady, there was nothing left of Russell. My imagination ran away with me and this is when I pleaded with my father.
"He can't live with himself Daddy, he's got Russell's blood on his hands, he's got kids Daddy, kids. They can't charge him, he's got kids. Call the police, it was just an accident. I forgive him, it was just an accident." I wouldn't find out until January 5th why my father looked at me so oddly, yet he said "Ok, baby. it's gonna be ok." I cried myself to sleep and woke up crying.

January 2nd, my mom got to me and I went to that place that you go with only your mother. (The "I'm still a baby and totally broken place.") She gave me strength and said the best thing, "God didn't take him from you, honey. He just took him." Yeah! Don't take it personal. Show everyone who Russell was, a lover, father, musician, and a LOVER of God. So with the help of the Holy Spirit, I wanted to give Russell the best "going away party" EVER. He always said he wanted a party when he died and that's where my focus stayed. I don't know why, I guess because I grieving and could hardly walk to the bathroom by myself, I never really asked about anything. My husband was dead and my children lost their Daddy, nothing else mattered. January 2nd I told my children Daddy was in Jesus' rock band. (I can't go there, right now.)

Then we pieced together Russell's funeral in between me passing out because I had cried so much. The music came first, as always, in Russell fashion. I took a nap, woke up grab the first person I saw and said "Call Brandon and Corey. Russell wants them to speak." then I went back to sleep. I cried myself to sleep yet again, awoke at 4am, asked for a pen and paper, and wrote the eulogy. The next morning my cousin, more like sister, Estelle got to Granny's. We had to go to the funeral home to sign papers and arrange the "wake". (I am so glad I had her with me through this, she is my YAYA sister!)

Estelle helped me shower and wash my hair, (THAT'S HOW OUT OF IT I WAS!) I was in my Granny's bedroom, Estelle went to get my clothes, and I drying my hair. I turned my head and saw the corner of a newspaper under the tv. I saw the words "DRIVER KILLED." and I thought "Not him too!" Thinking Todd had died at Grady. I moved one step closer and saw "RUSSELL HAYS" after the word Driver. I lost it and screamed at the top of my lungs, "Why are they saying he was driving!?! WHY!?!" Everyone ran in. My Uncle Yuppie held me down and Estelle held my face, "Shh, it's ok Sam, it's ok." (My Granny grabbed the paper and took it away. I was unable to read anymore) Then my Aunt Alli, looked at me in the face and said "Samarah, I have to tell you something and it's going to be hard. Both the men were ejected from the car, so they couldn't determine who was driving the car." and then my naive ass said, "Well, Todd can tell them. Is he ok to tell them?" They all looked at each other and then at me, "No baby, he is not able to say anything right now." Little did I know that they knew more than I did. God bless them for not saying anything, I don't think I could have taken anything more.

LET'S JUST BREATHE.

Went to get Russell's bible and guitar. Saw Josh, but didn't talk to him. Later that night, I endured the hardest 3 hours of my life at his wake. Tear after tear, hug after hug, I only wanted to hug Russell. I was medicated and out of it, but I had a weird feeling when the Price couple stood before me. Rachel got on her knees and hugged me. I noticed Josh stood 5 steps back. I whispered "He wasn't driving the car...." and she said, "Oh I didn't know, you didn't know." What!?! I let go confused, she was so cold and the words ran off her tougne so easily. I look up waiting for Josh to come over and hug me, but he just stood there as if in a cold daze, watching his moves. So I stood up and walk to him. WEIRD! I decided to not think about them or the confusing words on the newspaper. God just reasured me, "Patience, do Russell good, show them Jesus. Lock and Load. Look at me." So I did. We invited everyone back to Granny's after the wake. Guess who was a no show....

The next day, was SUNDAY! I awoke crying, got in the shower, put on my midnight blue dress and turned on the Falcons Game. Determined to start the day off RIGHT! They lost, but whatever. I went to my husband's funeral and left everything at my Savior's feet. It was the most beautiful funeral I had ever been too. In my mind, it was all about Christ and Russell's love for him. I never felt a cloud of confusion of the words on the newspaper. I knew the truth and a peace came over me, able to focus only on Russell's beautiful LIFE, not his DEATH. Cause that's what God wants us to focus on, HIS LIFE and that Russell's will continue on EVERLASTING. (Not like the other entity who wants us to focus on death and it's falsehood of it being the end.) I walked out of there asking anyone, if we video taped it because it was such a moving and beautiful moment in my life. Thank God my children slept through the whole thing, precious angels. God knows our needs, more than you understand.

Again, we invited the Price family to join the after funeral gathering, once again, no show. I wondered, why, but then again understood school was the next day and they had Jay. Yet still, weird and distance. But now I'm glad they didn't come, cause it just makes the truth even more pure. I never talked about the words on the paper. I never spoke of the few things I knew, Russ is dead, in an accident somewhere, they need dental records, they were both ejected, and Todd can't talk. I just wanted to enjoy my family and friends through this horrible time.

It wasn't until the next morning that everything became SO clear. It was January 5, 2009, I awoke and Rachel called, for the first time mind you after the accident. She asked me how I was doing and I said ok. She said sorry she wasn't able to come to the after gathering, she and Josh had to pick up Jay from Alan and Kaycee who were babysitting him during the ceremony. (An email from Kaycee telling me how beautiful the service was for Russell a week later, told me Rachel was lying. EVEN about something so small. Mandy later informed me, that the Price family went to see Todd after the funeral, so maybe she didn't want to tell me.Why would I have a problem with that? When only 2 days earlier I was asking for mercy over this man?) We didn't speak long. I was still weak, and John and Laura were coming to say goodbye before leaving for Indiana. That visit went well and they were off.

My dad, stepmom, granny, Uncle Yup, and mother came over to Granny's that morning. I was having breakfast and talking over...what do I do now. Then my Aunt Alli and Uncle Jo came through the front door. They both looked like they were on a mission; put laptops, papers, and cell phones on the table. Alli looked at me and said "Where do Todd and Kim live?" Then I answered her as best I could, "Um, you go past the Kroger and turn left, then their neighborhood is on the left." "Where on the left? What road?" she presistied. "Ok, get me a map. You go past the Kroger, and turn left...wait this isn't the road because it doesn't curve past the neighborhood. Wait you go past Ingles, and then take a left. Yeah, that's their neighborhood, because there is the curve and the light shines past that curve. Yeah, there's a park or something past the curve. Cause there's a light over there."

Everyone was quiet. "What light, Samarah?" she pushed. "The light, it's a tennis court or a park or something. If you sit at the entrance, to the left there is a light, and to the right you can see the stop sign." Still pushing she said, "No honey, there is no park right there, no tennis courts...What are you talking about?" Confused, I looked for another option, maybe I was looking at the wrong road. "Well, maybe I'm on the wrong road, cause when I left and sat at the entrance, I looked to the left and remember a light in the sky, and I said to myself, "It's light over there, is that a park, or a tennis court? Is it a car, no. It must be a tennis court." and then Rachel told me, "oh you have to turn right, girl." So I did and we went home."

"No, Samarah you're not on the wrong road. That wasn't a park. What are you talking about? You need to come with me now and we need to write down EVERYTHING that happened, EVERYTHING!" -Alli. Confused and felt I had done something wrong I went to the porch and told her and my mother EVERYTHING that happened that night. Times, remarks, and everything. Some things I will not share, just because it's not important and two the whole court BS.

Basically, that we and the Price's brought both cars to the Willoughby house around 1:00pm. Todd had already been driving his POS around, excuse me. I had determine early on I was the DD for Rachel and Jay. Josh for Russell. Yadda Yadda Yadda, later on that night (disclosing times for trial reasons.) Todd ask Russell, in front of everyone, including ME, to take the car for a spin. "Com'on Com'on real quick, just a short spin." Russell said NOTHING, I know this because I was standing across from him. Kim, Josh, and I all pretty much said the same thing, " NO, it's too late. Make a day out of it tomorrow." I then went over to Russell and said, "Do not get in that car with that man, let's go back to Josh's and chill." and he said back " I know baby, I don't care about that car. I'm ready to chill."
We hung out a for a bit more, packed up our stuff to leave, we all walked out of the house together. Todd first, then Josh and Jay, Rachel, Russ and then me. Kim stood at the stoop. Josh and Russ stood in the middle of the yard. Rachel was talking with Jay on the walk. Todd was already by his POS, it was parked behind Rachel's car in the driveway. His car needed to be moved so I could get Rachel's out. I quickly said goodbye to Kim and went to Rachel's car. I opened the door, started it, checked the mirrors (saw Russ still standing in the grass.) and then stepped out to see if Todd was ready OR if he was going to bullshit some more. Everyone was still in the same postions, Josh, Rachel, Jay in the yard with Russell beside them, Kim on the stoop, and Todd at the driver's door.
Then Todd waved Russell over with his head, as if to say, "Com'on.". EVERYONE saw Todd get in the driver's seat and Russell in the passenger. (Thinking that Todd would only move the car, because WE ALL CLEARLY SAID "Don't take the car out." I thought he would respect atleast his wife's wishes...) Todd, Russ, and I all entered the car at the same time. Todd backed out of the driveway and went to the cul-de-sac; as soon as he was out of the driveway I was backing out with the back of the car facing the cul-de-sac. I could see the tail lights in the side mirriors. I backed up close to the curb and moved up so Todd could get the car in between me and the trailer parked to the left. Josh opened the door, and pushed the passenger seat forward to let Jay in the back, Jay got in. I could hear the POS and seein the side mirrors the headlights reflect around the cul-de-sac. Rachel got in the car. I heard the engine roar and pump itself up to a "high rate of speed" (that's for you Mr. Pines.) Then the car flew past us and driveway, I lost the air in my lungs...why did he go past the driveway? "They went past the driveway." Josh leaned into the car and said something to Jay, Rachel was rambling, I saw break lights near the 1st stop sign. I looked back at Jay to see if he needed help with his seat belt. I heard the car leave the stop sign, so did Josh, I saw his head pop up and look in the direction of the stop sign. I looked at the stop sign, no car. Josh shut the door.
I put down the emergency break, checked my seat belt, put the car in drive and moved ahead to the 1st stop sign. I got there and look right then left, hoping to see tail lights in the neighborhood. "Where are they?" My question fell on drunk ears. Pulled up to the 2nd stop sign (the entrance of the neighborhood) again looked right and then left. I could see farther to the right, all the way to the stop sign on Rockbridge Rd. No tail lights, no tail lights. No head lights, no head lights. I then focused back on the stop sign to the right, any sign of a car...ANYTING!?! Nothing. To the left, any tail lights, any head lights...Nothing. "WHERE ARE THEY!?" I stared at the curve, wondering where could they be? I should see them...atleast to the right. Then back to the left again. "It's light over there? Why is it light? Is that a park, maybe the headlights, no it's not moving...it must be a park or tennis courts." then she interrupted my thought, "you have to turn right, girl."
So I did, I stepped in to her house and looked at the clock instantly....it was between 9:05-9:10pm.
My aunt took my statement, sealed it, and took it to Officer Dukes. (Then 2 weeks later I told him the exact SAME thing, truth doesn't change.) But first she and my mother shared with me the chilling news that Todd was awake and saying Russell was driving. "Why?" "He is saying they switched." "Where did they switch?" Do you hear that people I was willing to accept the worst. "We don't think he did, sweetie." "Why not? I don't understand?" "Cause that light you saw, the glow, wasn't a park, it wasn't a tennis court, it was the accident!" "What? Where did the accident happen? What time did it happen? What happened?" "The accident was heard at 8:55 and police call at 8:56. The car...exploded, Sam, the flames were as high as the telephone polls." (yeah, I didn't know ANY of this before giving my statement! Just call me clueless and naive to the evils of men.)

Then they shared the facts and left out all the gossip at the funeral that Josh and Rachel spread. (Fools) And At this point I'm going to share the FACTS with you and you can come to you own conculsion...like most intelligent people do.
*the accident happened .06 from the Willoughby home in Lilburn on Harmony Grove Road.
*A woman heard a loud noise at 8:55pm and 911 was called at 8:56pm.
*It takes 10 minutes to drive from the Willoughby's neighborhood to the Price address.
*A domino's delivery boy, the Turner's (2), the family (3-4) who live in the house where the accident happened, and a doctor from the neighborhood (1) were all on the scene as soon as it happened.
*they put out the fire on Todd, sat him down, and let him know 911 was on it's way.
*they sat him down 2 different times before HE RAN AWAY!
*He left the scene for 52 minutes. Returned to the scene with a friend.
*"Someone" ,who rename nameless, told my mother and police they heard the car go to the left out of the neighborhood towards Hwy 29, they heard the car go through the gears and then the noise stopped. nothing. The next thing they heard were firetrucks. (only heard the car once.)
*Witnesses say the flames from the explosion were as high as the telephone polls.
*Both men were ejected, the car landed on top of Russell, pinning him under the front tire.
*He did not die on impact.
*The skyline over the two pines trees, row of houses, and around the curve is PITCH BLACK DARK, (I went back one month after the accident, with the same moon, same time, and with no leaves on the trees. And the creamy goldish glow with the other ring of blue was NOT in the sky.) Unlike the huge bright sky I saw over the two pine trees and the row of houses on January 1 2009.
*There is a straight line from the accident sight to the entrance of the Willoughby's neighbor, google earth it; with every fiber of my being I saw a bright glowing light in the sky that night, and I know now it was the accident.

Now here are the lies that were spread by Josh and Rachel Price AT MY HUSBAND'S FUNERAL heard by countless friends and family:
*That they switched in somewhere (countless locations were given by these two.) after turning right out of the neighborhood.
*That Russell was PINNED in the driver's seat and Todd had to punch him in the face to wake him up, that's when the car blew up.
*Todd had to run for help "knocking on doors" because there was no one there to help.
(Where did they hear this from, Todd? Kim? and if not them why would they make up such false statements?) AND mostly WHY in the ever loving hell would you EVER go to someone's funeral and speak ill of the dead. FYI your friend you have known for 7 years, just died....UM how about mourn, be sad, think of the good times. What are you trying to prove. DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH.

And this is NOTHING compared to the 3 depostions by Kim, Josh, and Rachel that YET again tell different stories from their original one AND different compared to each other!!! (All I have to say to Kim Willoughby is *Note: with my hands in a completely sarcastic prayer position * real wives keep their husbands accountable and don't lie for them. It's called love, REAL HARD CORE LOVE, tell the truth and still stand by him...see if you can do that. I felt bad for you, until you lied about my husband. Just sayin'.)

So there it is, if you have any questions feel free to ask. I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. And Please understand my goal is not only to get all of this yucky-ness out of me, to inform those of you who read the false papers or heard the false statements by fools, but also think about this:
*If you DON'T stand up for something, YOU STAND FOR NOTHING! You don't stand for truth you are a liar, cause you are lying to yourself. Hopefully, someone will read this AND ask the hard questions to those who they surround themselves with. Hopefully, someone will start connecting the true dots and do to the DA with the doubts about Todd Willoughby's story. Hopefully a coward will stand up be a man and admit to his wrong doings and not waste ANOTHER 5-8years of my life. (Does everyone understand how long this legal process takes? Yup, estimate of 5-8 YEARS!!! With the compassion I had for him and good behavior on Todd's part, he could have already done his time, because I was willing to ask for the least amount of punishment! CAUSE IT WAS A STUPID ACCIDENT.) Hopefully this can all take place before the Willoughby's "start their new chapter of their life in California"; let's save them some air fare and "clean up these affairs before leaving," Did you hear that, Todd Willoughby calls this horrible tragic life ending event, an "affair". (Btw, someone might want to tell him to change the privacy setting on his facebook. Fool. "best dad EVER" my left shoe! Awesome values your teaching your children!Yeah, takes a GREAT dad to kill one!)

ALL because of a LIE, upon LIES, upon LIES this is dragged out well past it's due date. AND I'm so tired and spent. So yeah, this is not a case of me being mad because of a car accident, it goes SO much deeper. People have WRONGED me and they have NEVER admitted to it, NEVER wanted to get ALL the facts, and NEVER been sorrowful. They seriously want the wool over their eyes. And I just feel that is a coward way to heal, cause you just covering a wound and it gets infected when there is no light. I wanted the truth, no matter what, I wanted to heal, not matter what...so I will STAND firmly in the TRUTH, NO MATTER WHAT!

willow's song

2010-09-28T02:10:00.004-04:00

Oh my sweet
sarcasm,
found me
one very fine day.

For told
a story
by a Cline;
Pasty, be her name.

She sang
something sweet
with moan.
No.

It was a howl,
that she'd go'on
a'walkin'
in the midnight 'our.

And I'd be
a'singin'
to the heavens,
comfirmin' my plan;

that never
I'd go a'walkin'
with only the memory
of your hand.

But
sweet dreams
hold true
and every night

I'ma out
a'walkin',
searching
for you.

Just Saying

2010-09-19T11:42:00.000-04:00

It builds....builds....and builds,

and I want to knock it down, crush it.

Faulted and just plain wrong,

it is the friend I can't get rid of, for right now.

My feelings are anger and rage.

Excuse my honesty, my freedom with a splash of tart.

I wanna to cause a finder binder, jump out the car guns blazing, blaming the other person.

I wanna trip some random person in Publix

I wanna punch people who stand RIGHT behind me while checking out at target;

maybe even push all their items off the belt.
I wanna spit in the face of people who whine,
one because they do, two because I spit well and don't have
many chances to show off my talent.
I wanna get a bar fight ending with burning a cigarette
on a forehead. (Just cause I saw it in a movie.)
I wanna throw rocks through windows,
lots of windows
I wanna argue about politics
even if I agree with other person.

I really wanna
UPDATE
what's one my mind
and throw a couple people for a loop
I really wanna
scream
IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!
to a lot of people

I wanna comment
"no body cares" and mean it
I wanna give the spanking their parents never did.
I wanna reply "Horrible" and walk away
when someone asks me how I am.
I don't wanna use spell check.
I wanna laugh all over again at the boy who
fell from the ceiling, wanting to crowd surf,
at the NOFX show 13 years ago
but I encouraged everyone to
back up, open the circle
and BAM, punk kid.

I don't want to
smile in pictures...
yes,
I really am crying...
deal.

I wanna
cry wolf
get drunk
trip one last time

get lost all over again

not care

not feel guilt

and not look back.

But I won't.

I'm Samarah

I'm a sinner

I am not my anger

I am not my behavior

I am a new creation

and a vessal for

blessing to

flow. AND I WILL.

Yes Man

2010-09-17T10:43:00.000-04:00

It's nothing new, I'm still in the grieving process. I think I've done a pretty good job of kicking grief in the butt. It walks so close to the line of depression, it's scary. At times I feel it's a tool to break your spirit, and having that mind set helps me to ask for coverage of the Holy Spirit. Just a tip, if you're ever wondering. I have one last thing to do. Write the unmailed letter, the anger letter to those who have hurt you. I feel a little strange about that, but I'll do it. I just know they are waiting at their mail box with anticipation....LOL. But before then, I want to focus more on the blessing.

Grief and the healing process are very unpredictable. You never know if today is the day when all rage breaks loose and your mind goes AWOL. OR if today is the day of sweet healing honey flowing from One Holy Spirit that forces you to let go and let heal. Either way, I know glory will shine through this destruction and make a new creation. Over the last year and a half, I have been broken to my core, but I have also been lifted up in ways I cannot take the credit. I was so touched by all the emails and comments on facebook. It felt good to know that those who loved Russell still wanted to know what really happened. I forgot how quiet I had gotten. Pretty funny for a girl like me. Anyway, it was made more aparent to me that this needed to happen. I need to share the pain and glory with everyone. It's not only what we, (Ike, Lilli, and me deserve.) but it's what you all deserve as well. I only know of a few people who want wool over their eyes....and yeah they just look foolish. Moving forward.

Starting from day one I prayed daily for specific things, other than the typical heal me, comfort me, etc. I was thrown into a battle, just as my husband was thrown from the car. Yet, I had a little more time to block the car before it landed on me and burst into flames. I had time to pray and plan. One month after Russell died, my father finally told me Russell did not die on impact. (Yeah, not a fun mental picture. Breath, if I can do, it you can.) Even more enraged, I went to Pastor Jeff; I needed prayer in a bigger way. I needed specific prayer. We can't pray for healing if we don't really know the specifics. All anyone knew was that Russ was driving the car, so I felt most people really couldn't cover ALL the bases. I mean really there was a HUGE chunk of information people were missing; HELL, I was unaware of the misleading information, much less any information, for 5 days after my husband died. (All I knew for 5 days, was that they needed dental records, the papers got it wrong, both men were ejected, and Todd was in the hospital. I pictured him so burned he couldn't speak, because he would set the papers straight, right!?! I'm SO naive or nice!?!) Yeah, anyway...

After informing Jeff of the truth, I first asked that we pray for the children in this matter. Pray for the driver of the car, Todd Willoughby, and his choices he made after the accident...LOOK at him GO! Pray for his wife, Kim, and how she will handle this accident. Pray over their marriage and their family. Pray for Josh and Rachel Price, they were confused, mislead, and involving their family where it should not be involved. Pray for every family mourning this loss. Plus, I guess the devil was trying to attack me that day as well, because I was getting harrassing text messages from Rachel AND her mother...at one point her mother pulled the WWJD...ON ME! I simply wrote John 8:32. So we added her mother in on the prayer list. (Note: these were all the prayers lifted up BEFORE I read ALL the depositions from the civil lawsuit, yeah...WOW. Yeah, we had to dig A LOT deeper after that!)

Then, I let him know,"You can pray for me and my comfort, but I have very specific things that need to happen. Things that I know are in God's will; we've talked this over and He wants this for me. I just need some backup. Pray I find a house, within my budget, close to family, and help us make it a home for the new us. Pray the civil lawsuit would end sooner than the 2 year estimated time my lawyer first gave. Pray that after the lawsuit is over in my favor, I will pay off the house. Pray that I would be able to buy a reliable car, I love my Jeep but it's time. And pray I will be able to start school in the fall of 2010, so that I can support my two children myself."

I have been dragging my feet about sharing this, not wanting to seem boastful. Then I remembered "It's NOT me, who did this. I am only a vessal. It's GOD and He answers. Sharing the pain and the blessing is what He asks from us. Give Him the Glory, don't rob Him of it. I am so happy to share that...

~YES, I bought a house and it is becoming a SWEET Precious Home! The kids and I just spoke this morning that we have been in the house for over a year now. Wahoo, Go God!
~YES, the civil lawsuit ended before Thanksgiving of 2009! After Todd Willoughby was arrested and charged for the crime, ANOTHER lawyer came in from his insurance and kinda set it straight. Telling us he felt Todd didn't have a case (REALLY!?!) and that he should settle with me out of court, 90/10 split. We agreed, DUH. And so did the Willoughby's, admission of guilt if you ask me. Just sayin. I didn't want to "settle" but it was a HUGE load off my broken heart. I did not want to reopen the wounds during a long civil trial. I was healing. I am glad I filed the lawsuit and took action into my own hands; Can't wait on the government. I spoke the truth and those who speak the truth DON'T settle for 10%. Just sayin.
~SO YES, I paid off my house. Not something I want to boast about, but shoot....I'm a widow and we've been burned, literally.
~YES, what's next, a new to me car paid in full. Check.
~YES, I am going to school. Check.
~YES, God answers prayers according to HIS will. 1 John 5:14.

Like I said, I held off on sharing the blessing, because of what it may appear to look like. But the truth is the truth and my prayers, specific prayers, have been answered. I'm not really sure about the answers to other prayers, but from what I read, hear, and see...they are still lying, still fake, and on the run again. SHOCKER. But as for us, our lives are moving forward, not "moving on" or "getting over it", moving forward. We are doing it in the most honest and positive way possible.These are all HUGE answers to prayer, my sweet prayer warriors. Keep praying, God is a YES Man!

Longing....

2010-09-10T01:22:00.005-04:00

...FOR YOU! and the release of my blog.

Really, I long for everything. Mourning sucks, everything changes, and mostly it changes how you view other people. (AND that in itself is SO disappointing. Your view of any human goes down SO FAR, especially when you have been betrayed in such a way, as I have by 4 human beings. It's sad. I feel bad for their parents and pray for their children.) Anyway. So, I miss everything. I miss thinking people ARE HONEST. I MISS my sweet husband. I'm sad, but I'm also REALLY happy (mostly happy I'm not depressed...;)) But then sad again, that I can't call him to relay the great happy day I'm having. Like I told my mom tonight, it's not that I'm not living....it's that I AM. LIVING without.

But that is LIFE. LIVE AND LOSS.

Then, just so happened, I came back to my blog. I've been meaning to post and update, but SO much has happened I don't know where to start. It's almost like when you're in the middle of the tornado, you can't explain it until months later. Well, let's just say the SHOCK has really faded from this nightmare, and at this point I'm just really irritated with FOOLish behavior of other's that continue to interrupt MY LIFE. So, I'm reading my first post and I can totally relate. I know. I wrote the words (yuk) a year ago! But really, I'm living and the grief is still HERE.

You know when you are sick, let's say with the flu....for like a week, and when you start to feel just a little bit better, even brushing your teeth is the most amazing thing ever! Well, it's like that on a even smaller scale, yet I'm tired of making the effort. AND don't get confused, I'm not thankful for every SINGLE thing because it's another day out of jail...like someone else I once met. It's more like, "Okay things could be ALOT worse, let's enjoy the benefit of floss today, because I'm running out of options!!!" That's where I am. I am a professional at distracting myself....something shiney! Where was I!?!

Now, I've distracted myself long enough and cried a million times, I'm done being "quiet". My anger hasn't even touched the surface of my lips, and I'm letting go of my tongue. Let the venting really start. What do I have to lose? (Already lost a husband.) It's not gonna hurt MY case...I already WON! And it's not like I'm banking on the judicial system for any juctice. Just think of this as my day in court, really addressing those who have hurt my children, our families, me, and just being called a human being in general.

So I'm back, but this time.....now that I've WON a HUGE battle.....I'm back with a little more spice. It only helps to taste the REAL fruit; it's called honesty. In the next few post, I'll be sharing the real hard core TRUTH of my life for the past 20 months. No folks, I'm not RUNNING from ANYTHING or ANYONE. I'm not going to VOMIT someone else's story, because I can't think for myself well enough to connect the dots. AND I'm surely not going to LIE on my husband behalf, like someone I once met, just to keep my pretty little package "neat and sweet".

I am going to relay the stages of my LOSS. Saddness, AnGeR, depression, acceptance, and the other one...I can't remember it. Oh yeah, denial, good thing I'm HORRIBLE at LYING, so I could never do that to myself much less others. I'm doing this out of respect for myself, my children, and our families.

Deadication

2010-01-05T00:43:00.004-05:00

"Now's the time to make a dedication
to the life He's calling you and me to live
I've seen the God of Jacob
do mighty works in this heart of mine
Now it's your time to just give, just give in." -Russell Hays

This is a dedication to my late husband, Russell Hays. A loving, bright, deep and passionate man who died to his flesh on January 1st 2009, but lives in spirit there on. A bold young boy with a heart of gold. He loved sports, books, learning, music, and God. He pushed himself mentally, emotionally, and physically up until his death. He loved his friends and family. He loved his children so much and did everything in his power to do anything for them. And he loved me, little ole me. Oh, how he loved me.

Russell loved God first and loathed his flesh second. He saw where his spirit could be and where his flesh tripped him from getting there. Such a challenge for most and for a passionate spirit like Russell it was so irritating. The one thing that God has shown me is that Russell is not suffering anymore. That phrase is used a lot when someone is suffering through an illness, like cancer for my Aunt Miia, and it makes sense. In Russell's tragic death, of course, I didn't see it for a while. It's so clear to me now. Like I've shared in post past, I see Russell now as the spirit his flesh never allowed him to be on earth. He is beautiful, fresh as a baby, and heavenly sounds surround him.

Memories of all the sweet-wonderful words, actions, and songs fill my daily life. As do all the coulda's, shoulda's, woulda's. All of the conversations we needed to have, all the goals not met, the 10 fights we had throughout our relationship. With these memories I carry out an un-finished converstation with my late beloved, looking for resolution. Then I hear a new voice, one of peace, it's him. Through prayer and meditation I've been able to tell him how sorry I am for any failures as his wife. Some will not understand, but through his spirit, Russell has told me the same as my husband. The one thing I hear him repeat is "You will live for me."

So through me I will live as Russell always wanted, free, loving, and peaceful. Free from mind numbing worries, open to loving without fear, and for not feeling guilty for taking peaceful retreats. I will continue to live in the TRUTH. I'm just giving in.

To Russell: My dear sweet music man, thank you. For standing up for Christ. For putting Him first in our relationship. For loving me with everything you had. For showing me that true love is real and it can last beyond the grave. For telling me daily of your love and that I was the sweetest, most wonderful wife ever. For telling me you were crazy about me within the first 5 days we knew each other. For telling me that I have beautiful eyebrows. For hugging me in those first days and telling me "this feels like home.". For wanting to spend the rest of your life with me. For telling me you wanted to make babies with me, and we made the most beautiful babies ever. For writing the most beautiful songs for me to dance to, sing to, live by, and love. For being humble. For looking into my eyes, hugging me, kissing me, and loving me everyday like it would be the last time. I'll never forget the last time. Thank you for sharing almost 10 years with me. I love you SugarBearHoneyPie and miss you dearly.

Peace

2009-11-17T12:40:00.003-05:00

I've been trying to find a way to share the peace that God has blessed me with for the past 2 months. I feel Psalm 85:9-11 sums up what I've felt this past year perfectly...

⁹ Surely his salvation is near those who fear him,
that his glory may dwell in our land.

¹⁰ Love and faithfulness meet together;
righteousness and peace kiss each other.

¹¹ Faithfulness springs forth from the earth,
and righteousness looks down from heaven.

From the beginning of verse 9, He promises us that salvation is near for those who fear Him. Life is so precious, such a gift, fragile. His will is unknown and out of my hands. After Russell died I feared what next!?! Who's next, when, where, and what holiday, birthday, or anniversary will it fall on. Feared I would never heal, that the pain would run my life. Feared I would never remember the good times, and only the tragic night. Feared I would never accept God's will, see His glory, and live in His peace. I knew that He was the only One to heal that which I was fearful of...Him and His will.

Once I confessed all my fears, I could start to see the chance of His glory dwelling around us. Everything that I feared was opened to healing, the promise of healing is here. HOPE! The more I focus on to that hope, the more I see Russell as he is eternally. I remember who he was on this earth, but the spirit that he is finally able to be, is so much more apparent to me. He is complete. So fully alive, Soul-Fully-Alive ;) , his smile is hard to ignore. God shows me daily who Russ is in His full glory and that is a beautiful peace. At times I feel more connected to him because we were united in spirit on this earth under God. What God brings together, no man can separate. It's not just a line at a wedding to me anymore, it's a truth that breeds even more love and faith.

Love and faith meet, and righteousness and peace kiss each other. Isn't that just sweet honey! It's warm, beautiful, and romantic. It's HOME. His glory is love and faith in our lives, and we will strive for righteousness and the peace will over flow. To me righteousness is not about trying to be so perfect you don't live, because you are afraid to sin. It's more about letting go of control and flowing with God's will. Peace and goodness follows. Able to live freely, without worry, without fear, without guilt, not perfect...just GOOD. It is GOOD.

Faith is springing new life, and God is winking from heaven.

Confess

2009-10-18T21:52:00.003-04:00

James 5:16

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another,
and pray for one another so that you may be healed.
The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much."

Ever have one of those days? When you think your life stinks more than the next guy, and you feel you are doing everything you can to just survive the next 24 hours. That you are making every effort to be a responsible and loving human being, but still the world is heavy on your shoulders. Like everyone around you is taking it all for granted and sucking the life out of everyone else, just for their wants.

I had one of those days. After picking my son up from grief camp, I took them to a fast food chain for dinner and playtime. We talked about the camp, goods and bads. What could we do as a family to share feeling, to love, and to heal further in our circumstance.

I'm no stranger to grief; this "ain't" my first rodeo. Losing my aunts and my sister, all at very young ages, was and will always be very painful. The pain never leaves, you just learn to walk with a limp. Of course the death of my husband is totally different, but all the same, a loss is a loss. The only reason it hurts even more is because my two precious babies are hurting and mama cannot kiss this boo-boo away.

So to get back to my point, I am upset and bitter. I am thinking the world owes me something. I then took them to Walmart, one to get some finger nail clippers and two to just get a $3 prize for each of them. (I tend to do that more often, because I just want to see them smile.) After much debate, with Lilli...she is such a girl, we made our way to check out. The lines were full and I was thinking about the meeting at church I was to attend in 30 mintues. So patience was not the first thing on my mind.

I followed a couple into the shortest line and waited. They walked slowly and were even slower to unloaded the few items they had. Then I noticed they were filling out and signing the government coupons for their food. There was a problem, they picked out the 2 Walmart brands of cereal instead of the name brand "government" choices of cereal. The husband ran to get the right brand, while we waited.

THEN I thought to myself, "Great! I'm going to be late, because these "people" can't read to pick out the right cereal. On top of the fact that they are probably here illegally, sucking the tax dollars out of the mouths of Americans."

Please, I do not want this to be a polictical debate, I'm here to confess.

And right there in the check out line, God pressed hard upon my heart. "Samarah, those children need to eat just a much as your's do. Others have helped you, others love you, no matter what their opinion of your life." I am not saying He spoke to me, I'm saying He pressed HARD. Heavier than the weight of the world. Then, I heard Russell, "Buy the cereal."

With tears in my eyes, I watched as another walmart clerk took the 2 boxes to customer service, and shortly after the husband returned with the 1 box of "right brand" cereal. The clerk finished the transaction and the couple slowly put their items into the cart. I told one of the two clerks, "Can you please get that cereal for me?" She said yes and quickly returned. I whispered to the clerk, to please scan the cereal and give it to the couple. She was a little surprised, but was quick to hand it off to the couple leaving the counter.

The wife looked at the clerk and said "This is not mine" and I said "Yes it is." She said thank you. Blessed words, not from her lips alone.

The clerk finished checking out my "wanted" items, then looked at me as I was leaving said "That was really sweet of you." All I could think of were the words spoken by my Pastor not 6 hours earlier, "It was Jesus, baby." (Of course I added the baby, because aren't we all just babes in His eyes!?!) I walked away feeling ashamed. No one knew my hateful thoughts, nor the hard pressed thoughts of the Lord towards them. They all thought I was some sweet lady who bought cereal for a family. But it was Jesus, from beginning to end.

Pastor Jeff asked everyone to find their way to reach others for Christ, mine was serving. I prayed for ways to serve, to give back to anyone the way that Christ has served me. Little did I know that the opportunity would come in way of my sin. Dirty, yet washed clean through Him.

We walked to the car and past the young couple and their two babies. The husband said thank you again, and I nodded "God bless you." Will they ever know how much they have served me? Our eyes will meet across the golden streets, I'm told...I hope. I cried to the Jeep and my children asked why?

I shared with them what had happened. How Mama was wrong and how God, my Daddy, told me I was wrong. My sweet son, precious love, told me "Mom, it's ok. Everybody makes mistakes." It was blessed words, not from his lips alone.

My point being, confess your sins among men. Even if they are your children, they will see, learn, and forgive. In time they will see everyone makes mistakes and everyone can pay for those mistakes, even if it is in the form of 2 boxes of cereal. Even more, when the world is heavy upon your shoulders and you are questioning "Where is my piece of the pie?" It might come in the form of your own faults. In my weakness, He is so much stronger. He presses HARD to serve others and build us up, in HIM.

I am a sinner. I am humbled. I serve. I am humbled. He is glorified.

House

2009-09-21T22:09:00.001-04:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

UPDATE: I think it's time.

2009-09-21T21:15:00.003-04:00

What can I say, I needed a break. It was really out of my control. God put a lot on my plate. I felt like I was at Las Vegas all-you-can-eat-buffet-on Thanksgiving. Then needed to un-zip my pants and nap on the Lazyboy. Looking for a house in the depths of grief was hard and bittersweet. I knew I needed to move, to be closer to family, and leave the home Russ and I shared for almost 5 years. So many memories, it would swallow me when I would go back to pack or clean. They would stop me at the door with a wave of nausea, my breathe frozen, and right before passing out the un-controllable crying would start. (Yeah no way in God's green earth I could live there...ever.) HARD.

But at the same time, I was leaving the memories and starting new ones without him. BITTERSWEET.

When looking for a home I had my must list: good neighborhood, good bones, and something I could take care of on my own. I found everything I needed and more! It was everything Russell would have wanted too. He grew up in a home similar to ours, and I know he loves it. Pictures in post below. It took as long to close on the house as it did to do all the repairs. We removed two trees, several limbs, removed flooring, painted every wall and cabinet, and put in new tile! Thank God I had a 10 day RV-vacation in between all that, but that's another post. Moving weekend was crazy. We had 5 trucks, cabinet men, closet systems installed, re-built stairs, and a few extras. Oh yeah, we also moved furniture and boxes...haha! Doing all this during the summer was fun. Work during the week and LAKE on the weekend. Our first function was Ike's birthday party and it was a success. THEN, I was totally shocked by my surprise birthday/housewarming/fence party. So MUCH fun people! Thank you.

The kids started school and our "new" life started....FOR REAL!

I knew it would happen, I told others...."I'll know what this will REALLY feel like when I'm not living with my mom. When the kids are in school and we are doing the daily life. When dinner is on the table at 6:00, we are sitting down, and Daddy's not walking through the door."

And it has.

I think that because some of the shock has worn off, it's "easier" to handle. But then again, I'm probably just getting used to getting blown away by black clouds. At times, I'm glad that the comforts of home are here to comfort, but at times they are the catalyst to ball-up-on-the-couch-moments. Most people ask "How are you doing?" No lie, it sucks. No lie, I'll get through it. It's just hard to sum up EVERYTHING I've been going through in a little chat. I still get a head ache thinking about everything that has happened this year. The drama alone, whewww!

One constant is and always will be my King. He is my rock, my Daddy, and beloved. He is here. One thing, I haven't shared with many, is that I miss my old relationship with God. I'm not mad at Him and I don't feel that he is punishing me. I just miss the "old us", the way we were. I'm going down a path I never thought He would have lead me down. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained; at times I feel I have nothing left to give. Any time spent with Him, I'm taking and asking for healing peace. He delivers. But there haven't been many days when it's just HIM and ME. Days of pure worship and adoration.
It's usually ME and one of the following "fixer-uppers": ME and my BLAH, Russell, the kids, the family, the friends, the house, the lawyers, the meetings, the police, the depositions, or the "others". I used to go to worship, raise my hands, sing, and laugh. Since January, I freeze. Unable to walk. Tears stream throughout every song and my voice cracks. My hands grip the seat in front of me or each other because I'm shaking. I'm drained, weak, and heartbroken. He is still rocking me, rubbing my cheek, and healing my heart. I am thankful for the handful of "US" days, mmmmm BliSs!!!

I had one Sunday, and someone noticed. I cried when they thanked me.

I know He is not done with me yet, and this trial will display His glory. It's just really hard and tiresome to walk through. I wanna run, but know resting in Him will win the race. So that's the update. Sorry it's been so long. There will be more to come. God bless.

Peace Out.

Acts 1:8

2009-05-19T12:21:00.002-04:00

My meditation brought this to me for the lies told and spread during this nightmare. I asked myself why did "these" people do this to us (our family, friends, and me)? Why lie? Why believe a liar? Why spread what you don't understand? Why protest so much?

"But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you;"

This is why so many of us doubted them and the venom they spoke. That's why so many came running seeking the truth. Those who know the truth will weed out the lies and crush them with power. The power of the Holy Spirit will come upon you and you will know the truth.

Those who do not know the truth will believe the lies, because your heart is filled with lies. You are truly weak and my heart sinks for you. Seek the Holy Spirit.

Stand Still

2009-05-19T11:01:00.005-04:00

It's been a while since my last post, but my last post is so important to me that it needed it's time. Not to mention, I've been busy with home deadlines, counselor sessions, and meetings. Which most are at a stand still. Any extra time is spent with my children or resting my emotional roller coaster ride.

I had a talk with my dad this morning about set-backs, move forward two spaces and back one. Of course, his simple wisdom always helps me. He said "I don't see you moving back at all, we have only made progress. Right now, we are just standing still." It took me a bit to really let that sink in and really focus on all the progress we have made.

Emotionally and physically, I haven't lost my mind and I have hope. I had a wonderful relationship with a loving man for almost 10 years. No regrets. So wonderful and healthy, in fact, that I'm able to be happy with and for him. Happy, because he is where he has always longed to be, who wouldn't? I can be mad for things unfinished, mistakes made, and shortcomings. So I yell and fuss at him (in my car, I'm crazy! But my crazy leads to healthy.). He says, "I'm sorry"; I forgive and move on.

I have hope for myself. It's hard to not get wrapped up in the "roll" of the young widow. "Poor Samarah, and everything she has gone through." Sympathy and empathy are always welcomed; I want to cry, yell, laugh, and heal with everyone hurting. Although, there are times when the lines of sympathy and pity are blurred by my eyes and pity feels like weakness. It's not anyone's doing, it's just an emotion I didn't know I'd feel so much frustration. I know it's just a tactical tool, used by one I will not speak his name, to keep me down. Used to steal my thunder, rob my joy, and put a wedge of doubt in the core beliefs of hope, faith, and love. So, I image Russell cheering me on, "You're gonna Rock this life, babe. Live it. Love it."

It's hard to wait. I want this nightmare over right now. My mother, of course, had some thoughts to share on that. "You have already forgiven "him" for the accident. You didn't make the choices "that man" made and you don't have to live with them. "He" will probably never admit or say "he" is sorry. So, don't wait on it and get sucked into "his" own personal hell. Because no matter when or what happens the only justice you can count on is God's and the power of forgiveness."

My parents rock. Period.

BUT really, it's so true. Whenever this ends, for me forgiveness will be the end. My first pure thought of "that man" hours after he drove that car was forgiveness. I was pleading with my dad; "He has kids, Daddy. Can we not charge him, Daddy? He's got Russell blood on his hands, he can't live with that. I just want to hold him and let him know I forgive him. It was an accident, Daddy. I want him to know he'll be forgiven."

Little did I know, I will have to forgive him for running away from the scene, for almost an hour. Later, lying and blaming this horrific accident on my husband. Then the latest, denying even KNOWING my husband. The lies just keep surfacing and my forgiveness bank is getting low, for "him" and the others who believed him. My hope and prayers focus on forgiving the future pain endured.

I'm at a stand still....

Stand.

"Be on alert, STAND firm in the faith,
act like men, be strong.
Let all that you do be done in love."
1Corinthians 16:13-14

Still.

"Be STILL, and know that I am God"
(Psalm 46:10)

....and I'll rock it, live it, and love it.

Anniversary of a New Life

2009-04-23T09:52:00.005-04:00

It's Thankful Thursday and a "day" for me. Nine years ago today I started fresh. I became a new creation in Christ.

There is a story, but no need to go into detail. I had been longing for something more. More understanding, more peace, more love and more truth. I had so many questions that were answered, and so many avenues I wondered down, but they all left me wanting more. What was I missing? Because I still felt the disconnect.

So I walked alone, looked up at the sky, and asked the question. "If you are who you say you are, then show yourself to me. What am I missing? Show yourself." Oh a challenge!?!

And He did in a big way. BIG! All the while speaking to me in a big gentle voice. "Samarah, you do know me and I am who you know me to be. I am the Alpha and the Omega. I am the Creator of all things. You are missing One. You know me, but you do not know my Son. He IS. See Him now, know Him now, love Him now. Now Go."

I saw His face. I went and told them. I screamed "I'm a fool, I'm a fool!" and Russell knew. He held me and said "Oh thank God you know now." Russell and Corey prayed with me, and we talked about how my old body will become a new creation in Him. I am a masterpiece.

He is faithful to me, He loves me, He trusts me, and He LONGS for me to return HOME. And I will wait for Him. After a few years I thought His greatness and wonder in my life would fade, but it's only gotten stronger. I thought I would turn away after countless worldly disappointments, but He holds me closer. I worried that His truth would go back to the fairy tale, I once thought it was, but His word is REAL perfection backward and forward. One God speaking through many, all telling of The One Love coming to bring back many to One God. I wondered if my faith in Him would be seen as "High and Mighty", but His example of a humble servant has been the broken record in my mind.

Finally, I am NOT in control. I rest in His arms during the doubt and hold His hands when called on His mission. At last my fate is sealed and peace is restored. I lean not on my understanding, but His. It is in His hands. Where He is, I will be, holding Me. My true Romance.

Happy Anniversary my Sweet Beloved.

"My lover spoke and said to me,
arise my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.
See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone."
Song of Songs 2:10-11

Thankful Thursday

2009-04-09T12:52:00.004-04:00

Just one....Russell helped me to become a dog lover.

I was once afraid of dogs, did not like their smell, and never dreamed of enjoying sloppy kisses. Russell got O'hura as a puppy 6 weeks into our relationship, that will be 10 years in October. She is a great, loving, sneaky character. She loves my children. We both love to dance in the yard together. I love her sweet smile greeting us when we get home. The way her tails wags over her back and right side, because it's not just a regular tail...it's curly and precious. She always paws the ground and circles 3 times before laying down for the night.

Cajun, our puppy, was Russell's dream dog. Growing up with labs all his life, he always said he wanted another as an adult. Cajun is precious, my baby boy. I fell in love at first sight. Seeing how O'hura was Russell's first little girl, Cajun was my boy. Our family feels complete with him...it was 3boys and 3girls. I like even numbers. He is fun, happy, loving, and smart. I love his deep brown eyes and love to please. He is super fast, loves to play, and is a so funny in water!

We miss our pups and can't wait to move in with them by our sides. My children miss their playmates; I know they will cherish their relationships with their dogs so much when older. Here's to O'hura and Cajun, no one can pronounce her name and he will forever be a coon-ass. This is what you get when you watch Marley and Me.

More OF Less

2009-03-18T11:52:00.004-04:00

Slacking on posting because I'm house hunting, on top of everything else. (No, I'm looking for a house on the beach. It's a simple picture but there is a lot happening in the simplicity.) House hunting, it's a little stressful, but a great way to move forward. Everything happens for a reason, and for all the times I complained about living in a mobile home, I am SO happy I did. Of course I had other reasons why I did not mind it, low payment that was quickly paid off, small and simple, and NOW small price tag for someone else to buy. In these tough times I'm hopeful that a family would love to downsize into our comfy mobile home. Take it anywhere they wanna BE!

In our new home, that the children are super happy about, we'd still like to keep it simple. I've learned even more in the past 2 and half months that less is more. Russell and I always tried to live a simple life, filled with family, friends, and God's delight. But minds can wonder, we're human. Having "more" seems better, the more the merrier, grass is greener....but it's still the same grass. I have learned this on so many levels and glad it's one area where Abba has really blessed me.

Less stuff. I never really suffered from shop-o-lism, maybe the Goodwill-lism!?! Anyway, I've learn that having 4 pairs of pants, 2 sweaters, 2 jackets, 1 coat, 7 shirts/underwear/socks IS really all the clothes you need. Your children too! It also means less laundry!! I've enjoyed just having what we need all in one room, granted I'm ready for a little more space, but we have everything we NEED. The kids don't have too many toys; they'd rather play outside with sticks and dirt. We've checked out the local library for books, seeing how we are too far away from our regular stomping grounds. Plus, mom doesn't have DISH or cable, so less TV (guilty pleasure) means more reading. Love that.

Less pick up and GO. More relax, stay a while. I've slowed my "roll" down a lot. I like being productive but I'm happy with biting off a little at a time now. At the end of the week, I still got a bunch of stuff done. I helped my kids pick up their toys, instead of ordering them around...I'm kinda snappy that way. I hugged Ike when he got frustrated with Lilli because she talks too much. Sharing her feelings sometimes sounds like she is rattin' her brother out, and the snow ball is rolling. So when my head was about to come off, I started crying, got on my knees, and hugged both of them. (I'm guilty of shouting to take control of the situation...but I'm really out of control.) I forced myself to used the opportunity to teach them. Less shouting more listening, less hurting more loving, and less shouting more hugging-momma.

Less of my mouth, means I hear Him clearly. When in shock, people around you sound like Charlie Brown parents, in case you've never been in shock. You only see emotions and hear what God wants you to hear. "You'll be OK, We love you, You are not alone, We'll help you, I AM WITH YOU!" It's an amazing survival tool He installed. See, I carry on an on-going conversation with God all the time, really. I've even thanked Him for a coupon I didn't know I had, "Cool, thanks dude. You're awesome.", in front of the cashier! She thought I was nuts. So if you have every seen me "talk to myself", I'm not, it's God. Well when I shut up, He'll talk a blue streak! "I love you precious child, go and be a strong woman, I'm here, you need to rest, find joy in the pain and tears, My will, baby...Not yours." It helps the stress.

Less stress. More freedom and truth! It's awesome. When you know the truth, you only have to say it ONCE, to yourself anyways. Not many times, over and over to convince yourself of it. Just once. Say it, live it, and then be done. Even Jesus said "it is finished." He did not have to come back over and over doing the same thing. He just came, spoke the truth, lived it, and went on His way. I'm doing my best to go "net-less" and follow. His voice drowns out all negative voices who scream their opinions to the world for no other reason than insecurity. Which in turn allows me to just simply not listen and not form an opinion on something so ridiculous.

Less of me. Less of me means more of Him. I prayed before Russ passed that we would hungry for Him more, lean on Him more, and love Him more intimately. In a round about way, my prayers are answered. It's not pretty, but it's true. I prayed that Russ and I would be closer than ever. I thought we did a pretty darn good job of being open and honest. We talked all the time, worked on our feelings, and shared dreams. Sat in prayer with each other and for each other daily. We always wanted to be with each other more. He hated leaving for work, wished we could go with each other on guys/girls night out, and even talked on the phone when following each other driving. We simply loved each others company and friendship. He is my beloved help-mate. Now, he is with me 24/7. Can't see, hear, touch him in earthly terms, but in spirit God allows him a direct line to me. A vision of him flying beside my car, seeing a hawk, finding a four leaf clover, having our children sing his songs out of the blue, or share a memory. It's like a unlimited plan!

That pretty much says it, I'm looking for a house and MORE OF LESS making it a HOME. Love to you all.

Thankful Thursday

2009-03-04T21:50:00.006-05:00

I got an idea, Thankful Thursday! A friend of mine blogs, Not Me Monday and Wordless Wednesday. Go Erin! I've tried to play along, but nothing comes out. I've had some wonderful things happen to me in my time of grief. I am thankful, so thankful! ONE, I am still so blessed and TWO that I'm still able to see, hear, taste, and feel the blessings!!!

So its Thankful Thursday! Let's give thanks! (Oh. I must add Russ and my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving...BTW it's always on a Thursday too!)

1. Walking with the kids on Monday. Our plan was to scope out the yard where I picked my wedding bouquet, and pick a couple for my Anniversary. All the flowers were a little chilly from the snow, so we just enjoy the pond and rock garden. We saw tad-polls!

2. Lillian is so honest and pure at heart. We were talking about our anniversary, March 3 2001. They wanted to know all the ins and outs of the day. It was a nice chat. Lillian ended it with, "Mom, I want you to have another husband." I giggled "Oh really, why?" She answered "Cause you don't have one here, on earth." I told her I'd think about it, but I enjoyed just being with them for now. She is so precious, she just wants her momma to be happy.

3. Isaac held my hand for a long time. I love his hands and his quiet nature. As well as, how he answers EVERYTHING with..."Mmm fine, Mmm kay, Mmm sure..." What a man.

4. I'm thankful for my marriage with Russell. It was not perfect, but it was the REAL DEAL. He made me talk so much, about things I just wanted to ignore or blow off. We made each other laugh from the get go, and kept it going until the end. He made our family think about others and try to help whenever we could. Changing tires for older ladies, buying pizza for cops on Christmas Eve, and stopping to thank soldiers whenever they'd pass. He is just a loving, sweet, caring spirit. I'm so thankful I had the little time I did to celebrate life with you, sugar bear. My eyes and heart are open wide. Happy Anniversary!

5. For my ladies! For thinking of me, praying for me, watching my children, sending food, and loving on me. As well as filling me up with laughter on my anniversary. I really am blessed to have such wonderful women in my life. My mom is the best one of all, sorry girls. M'Kay!

6. For little signs and wonders that let me know He and Russ are around. The hawk I saw while I was listening to his music for the first time after his passing! He could spot a hawk from 200 yards; once we saw one fly down and pick up a rabbit...no lie. It was NUTS! The earth-angels that surprise me in Kroger!! Thank YOU!

7. For my little friend Esther, she melted my heart the other night. "It's Marah! Hey Marah!" We read a book and snuggled for a few. She is precious and helped me to re-think my name for my grandchildren, from SamBam to Marah. Is that the BEST or what!?!

8. Speaking of Esther, I'm thankful for my study of the book Esther. It came along at a great time. God's will during a time of crisis and following Him. PLUS...The time to read! My two new books I can't wait to dig into as well...Sacred Romance by Curtis & Eldredge and Sex God by Rob Bell. It's not what you think. (He he he ;))

9. For laughter. I can still laugh and take every chance to do so!!! Mom and Woody are funny. Now that we are "roomies" the on-goings of their everyday here and there are hilarious. It's nice to be around them during this time; they listen, cry, and help me to laugh a lot. Life, it is what it is. LAUGH.

10. Spring! Yeah, the snow was great and all, but I'm ready for spring. Warmth, flowers, festivals, and grilling out with my babies. (It was one of their FAVORITE things to do with Russ. "Dad, Are we grilling out? SWEET!")
I'm ready to find a home and take advantage of my SWEET gift-card to Home Depot! Flowers, plants, or....TOOLS!! Can't wait to build a home full of love.

Thanks for sharing in my Thankful Thursday. Give thanks with a grateful heart. Give a thanks full of cheer, He loves a cheerful giver. He IS.

Silence...

2009-02-26T09:14:00.002-05:00

It's been a while, I guess, since my last post. It wasn't until a friend mentioned that I should "keep up" with my blog. Thanks Erin. I guess one reason for my silence is there's just not more I can say than, "this just sucks. But I must move on. "Live, right!?!" My mother-in-law even agrees with me, this does suck. She is precious and I'm so glad I have such a great family.

Of course, I understand through this, God's glory will prevail and my destiny will blossom. God's will for me is wonderful, more than I could ever image. I just need time, warmth, and rain to bloom. I'm reminded of that every time I see the new growth of daffodils late February, early March. Another reason I loved that simple flower in my wedding bouquet; besides they are hardy, multiple, and surprise the eye with it's brightness around every corner during the late looming months of winter. Hope of new growth.

What I am struggling with is the timing and how quickly I want to move from the pain. Not to mention the silence. That is just not possible; time is out of my hands. Rushing this will only hide the pain and that will turn into anger. It's been very hard not to live from a place of anger, and fully submitting to the pain at every level of this walk. I am in pain because a need or needs are UN-met. Admitting I NEED, is something that is very hard for me. Seeing how my pride has ALWAYS been an issue. A stumbling block that pushes the healthy away, and gives into my "I'll show you..." attitude. Asking Abba for help from Him and His family is nothing to push away, it's like fertilizer!

Last night, I started a new bible study with Beth Moore, LOVE HER! She is guiding us through the book of Esther; I must admit, I've never read it. I'm a little late in the study. (It's been a LONG HARD 2 months.) I'm joining in around the 3rd week. The amazing part to me is she spoke last night about God's will, His destiny for you, and His timing. At the time His will is brought to us is at or through times of crisis; we are struggling and asked to obey, but the timing just stinks! We feel as though we just can't take on anymore and that silence of His will is the only way out. We can remain silent or we can speak. Russ always told me, "if you don't do God's will, He'll find someone to do it. Wouldn't you like to be rewarded for following His will?" It's elementary.

My feelings are, I can see God's will for me. Not the complete picture, but somewhat of the direction He has turned me on my heels. How He has asked me to use my passions, my talents, and love for Him to help others. (Others mostly being my children, that's my focus presently.) BUT the timing and the crisis SUCK! ;) I know it will get better, only by His grace. Other than that the action I want to be taking seems impossible! It's like I'm hooked to six different ropes being pulled and tugged in each direction. Seeing progress in one direction, thinking I'm moving forward, and then BAM I'm slug back to the middle waiting for the next ropes turn.

Then through it all, the moments of silence are SO painful. Mostly, not hearing Russell's voice, his live music, and his giggle when we'd hug. As well as the not knowing about many issues concerning my circumstances right now. New home, job, schools, and other "trials" on the horizon. Blah! I cannot stay silent and sit with His will on my lap. I must speak and stay in motion. It might be slow going, but at least I'm vertical, right!?! I go back to when I first came back to Christ; God told me..."See Him now, know Him now, love Him now, Now Go."

Winter is fading and spring is growing. New HOPE of GROWTH.

Be Childlike...

2009-02-19T08:40:00.009-05:00

Random.

When I picture myself in heaven, which I often do, I image I am 7 years old. Don't ask why, I'm not sure. I don't know if it is because my birthday is on the 7th day, or that my 7th birthday was a fun one. Mostly, I think it has to do with that the age of 7 is a great year to be a child. You still want to cuddle with your mom and dad, but your old enough to run and dance freely without caring what people think of you.
My favorite activity was making mud pies and building forts with cousins or friends. Dancing around in the yard and flipping cartwheels in the grass. My children do the same; act like lions in tall grass, pretend to be hunters in the jungle, and build "cities of sand" where only Matchbox people can go. I also think at this age we leave being a baby behind and work our way further in to "child-hood". I believe it was this age that I really started to hear Him, and prayers were not just a nightly "something-you-just do-cause-you-have-to" kind of thing. I remember my playtime was my prayer time, and He was my playmate.

I notice my children talking to themselves, and most times it's a pretend game sometimes it's not. I'll mistake pretend time for prayer time and respond to whatever they may be chatting about. Most times a "I'm not talking to you right now, momma." will come back at me. "Excuse me?" "I'm just talking to God, momma." I blush, my bad. After my first mistake, I've learned not to answer until I'm called. Isaac is soft, quiet, deep, staring off into space, and speaking sometimes only with his eyes. Lilli on the other hand is loud and bright, singing her love out loud, dancing sweetly pretending all of the birds sing with her.

As of lately, (I always crack up when I say that because lately life stinks) praying, crying, reading, searching, and writing has really left me tired. When I should just have faith like a child, rest in His arms, and play in His creation. Sing brightly of my love, gaze at His wonder for me and me for Him, dance for Him sweetly even when only my heart can move. Speak only with my eyes and heart, because my mind and mouth can bite off too much. Freely love and be loved.

It's warm, let's play.

SpicyPeach

2009-02-13T00:19:00.002-05:00

Sam here.
Starting a blog for many reasons...God, me, my children, family, friends, and life.
They all come to play here.

By the way, it's called Spicy Peach Patch and here is why.
Russell and I were first dating and driving along Hwy 85 talking about the truckers. He told me when he was younger he too had a CB. His handle was Red or something along those lines. I asked him what he thought my handle should be and he said, "Well, you're cajun and live in Georgia. You're kinda of like a Spicy Georgia Peach."

It suck. I liked that I was his SpicyPeach.

Later, while reading Gal 5:22 it hit me but in a whole different way...Be a cute fruit and I am a spicypeach. I like that I am God's SpicyPeach.

If not now, when? LIVE NOW.

2009-02-12T21:37:00.003-05:00

My husband used to tell me in times of stress and disappointment, "Don't re-live it Sam." I find myself saying this phrase over and over again lately. As well as, "Live, Be Here Now."

That is what I am doing, LIVING. Breathe in, breathe out, get up walk to the bathroom, grab toothbrush, apply toothpaste, insert brush and wiggle over teeth. Start your day, all you have to do is open your eyes and breathe. What you choose to do next is your choice, there are many options.

One, we can re-live the memories that block a healthy future, or we can open our hearts and LIVE through the present with our feelings beside us. Some think that because we still "feel" the pain from a tragic event, we have to re-live the memory over and over. The pain and emotions are only a result of the event and it may stay with us for a while, forever. There is no need to deny them and push them deep within. LIVE your feelings, LIVE your "being", LIVE your heart until it feels as though it will burst. BE HERE NOW, LIVE NOW. BUT cease the re-living of memories that pull us away from the path of the future.

The only thing I kept repeating during the first 5 days of his death was, "We had it, we had it. It was gonna be our year, we were gonna do it." I kept going back to one of the last memories I had with him. We were in a yard, talking about Lilli and Ike. I told him "I'm glad we have this time together. I love you so much. I am so happy." and we kissed, held each other tight, and he giggled. He then pulled back a bit and said "I am happy too, I love you. It's gonna be our year, Baby."

Of course, I kept thinking what could I have done differently!?! Why? And what about "our year"? Not to mention, the replay button in my head of the events leading up to the worst sentence I have ever heard in my life. I kept praying, "Lord, what am I gonna do, when I don't even know how to DO. I don't know how to BE" The pain was so intense I thought I was going to die, no really, it was THAT bad. AND then I heard him. Russell, that "him".

During a tearful shower, not sure I would be able to wash between the crying and pleading, I told God of the memory with Russ in the yard. (Like He didn't know about it!?!) Then of how hours later he was gone. Gone in such a way I couldn't say it, but I couldn't get the picture out of my head either. Then I heard Russell, as loud as if he were in the room, "Don't re-live it, baby. LIVE."

It was at that point in my grief, that I knew it wouldn't stop. No matter what I am doing, where I am, who I am with, the grief will always be there. The loss will always be there. To what degree in the moment, who knows what to expect, BUT that it will always remain. From there the only option I had was to LIVE. BE HERE NOW, LIVE NOW. Take that pain and cry until you run out of tears. Then when you make more, cry again. Feel the pain, the hurt, the loss. Allow my Comforter to walk with me through the grief. Then I will know simple peace and happiness, and bless me I do.

During that first 5 days I knew few things. My world was rocked to the core, flipped inside out and back again, then belly up. I hardly knew how to feed myself. The only thing that remained was faith and grace. God was still beside me. Even in my loss He delivered me grace. When the pain consumed me, there came the grace and peace. (Which if you told me a month before I would feel these things, I would have thought you crazy.) But really, it fell upon me. Almost as hard as the pain. God is so much stronger than our worst moment, and He kicks it's snarly teeth in.

So, with all that on the table (the worst is over, I promise.) I am LIVING! I am moving forward, with a "I am a Widow, it SUCKS, but it's OK" badge. (I think my old girl scout troop might just send me one...I did sell the most cookies in 89, for crying out loud.) No really, I am choosing to move forward and live as my sweet beloved lived, HONESTLY and without fear. I am allowing only God to direct my path and He has turned me to the future. A future with some pain, but more grace, peace, and mostly Him.

Welcome to my world. It's still gonna be "our year"