What can I say, I needed a break. It was really out of my control. God put a lot on my plate. I felt like I was at Las Vegas all-you-can-eat-buffet-on Thanksgiving. Then needed to un-zip my pants and nap on the Lazyboy. Looking for a house in the depths of grief was hard and bittersweet. I knew I needed to move, to be closer to family, and leave the home Russ and I shared for almost 5 years. So many memories, it would swallow me when I would go back to pack or clean. They would stop me at the door with a wave of nausea, my breathe frozen, and right before passing out the un-controllable crying would start. (Yeah no way in God's green earth I could live there...ever.) HARD.
But at the same time, I was leaving the memories and starting new ones without him. BITTERSWEET.
When looking for a home I had my must list: good neighborhood, good bones, and something I could take care of on my own. I found everything I needed and more! It was everything Russell would have wanted too. He grew up in a home similar to ours, and I know he loves it. Pictures in post below. It took as long to close on the house as it did to do all the repairs. We removed two trees, several limbs, removed flooring, painted every wall and cabinet, and put in new tile! Thank God I had a 10 day RV-vacation in between all that, but that's another post. Moving weekend was crazy. We had 5 trucks, cabinet men, closet systems installed, re-built stairs, and a few extras. Oh yeah, we also moved furniture and boxes...haha! Doing all this during the summer was fun. Work during the week and LAKE on the weekend. Our first function was Ike's birthday party and it was a success. THEN, I was totally shocked by my surprise birthday/housewarming/fence party. So MUCH fun people! Thank you.
The kids started school and our "new" life started....FOR REAL!
I knew it would happen, I told others...."I'll know what this will REALLY feel like when I'm not living with my mom. When the kids are in school and we are doing the daily life. When dinner is on the table at 6:00, we are sitting down, and Daddy's not walking through the door."
And it has.
I think that because some of the shock has worn off, it's "easier" to handle. But then again, I'm probably just getting used to getting blown away by black clouds. At times, I'm glad that the comforts of home are here to comfort, but at times they are the catalyst to ball-up-on-the-couch-moments. Most people ask "How are you doing?" No lie, it sucks. No lie, I'll get through it. It's just hard to sum up EVERYTHING I've been going through in a little chat. I still get a head ache thinking about everything that has happened this year. The drama alone, whewww!
One constant is and always will be my King. He is my rock, my Daddy, and beloved. He is here. One thing, I haven't shared with many, is that I miss my old relationship with God. I'm not mad at Him and I don't feel that he is punishing me. I just miss the "old us", the way we were. I'm going down a path I never thought He would have lead me down. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained; at times I feel I have nothing left to give. Any time spent with Him, I'm taking and asking for healing peace. He delivers. But there haven't been many days when it's just HIM and ME. Days of pure worship and adoration.
It's usually ME and one of the following "fixer-uppers": ME and my BLAH, Russell, the kids, the family, the friends, the house, the lawyers, the meetings, the police, the depositions, or the "others". I used to go to worship, raise my hands, sing, and laugh. Since January, I freeze. Unable to walk. Tears stream throughout every song and my voice cracks. My hands grip the seat in front of me or each other because I'm shaking. I'm drained, weak, and heartbroken. He is still rocking me, rubbing my cheek, and healing my heart. I am thankful for the handful of "US" days, mmmmm BliSs!!!
I had one Sunday, and someone noticed. I cried when they thanked me.
I know He is not done with me yet, and this trial will display His glory. It's just really hard and tiresome to walk through. I wanna run, but know resting in Him will win the race. So that's the update. Sorry it's been so long. There will be more to come. God bless.